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Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism in a Relationship
Healing after Cheating and Narcissism Print E-mail

 

 

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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. 

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Learn to Control Your Emotions 

 

You have navigated to these pages because you are dealing with narcissism or cheating in your relationship. You are going through all sorts of negative emotions due to problems related to your spouse. Some of the emotions you are experiencing may include:

  • Anger
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Humiliation
  • Severe mental pain

The most important thing for you to do right now is to get rid of the mental pain caused by the memory of cheating or unhappy events related to your narcissistic spouse. After that you can decide what you wish to do with your relationship. You may wish to stay with your husband or wife or you may wish to go your separate ways. Whatever you decide to do it is best that you make your decision with a clear mind and not when your thoughts are clouded by pain, depression, anxiety, anger and frustration.

The aim of the book Healing After Cheating - Learn to Control Your Emotions (see the review article at the end of this page) is to speed up the recovery process after mental tragedies such as cheating or living with a narcissistic spouse. The goal is to give scientific insights regarding the mental pain and to introduce ways to help the mind and the brain to heal faster. The book includes practical tips and information regarding what one can do to speed up the mental recovery after experiencing emotional trauma such as cheating or mental abuse performed by a narcissistic spouse. 

Getting rid of the mental pain

Imagine if there was a button you could push to make your painful feelings go away. Most people who are in a relationship with a narcissist or who are dealing with emotional pain due to cheating and betrayal would not hesitate to push that button. Unfortunately there is no such button, but there are other methods to get over the emotional pain. 

It is crucial to understand the actual source of the pain. When you are walking on the street, no one is aware of the pain in your mind. Your friends are aware of it because you may have told them, but they cannot personally experience your pain. You are the only one who is fully aware of your pain. In other words, the pain only exists in your mind, it is the product of certain kind of activity in the neuronal networks in your brain. Once you understand this, you are one step closer to getting rid of the pain. The aim of the book Healing After Cheating - Learn to Control Your Emotions (see the review article at the end of this page) is to help you to learn to control negative feelings and to get rid of the emotional pain you are now experiencing. 

Teaching your mind to let go of the pain

If you understand the biological and psychological basis of the negative emotions, you can learn to control them and hence get rid of the emotional pain. If you are in the middle of the emotional storm, before you are capable of functioning logically you need to calm the storm down. You cannot function properly while you are going through an emotional turmoil. One of the aims of this book is to teach you to calm your mind and to shut down the emotional pain so that you can see your situation more clearly. The goal is to teach you to get rid of the pain, so that you can make the necessary decisions with a clear mind. In order to get mentally over cheating or a narcissistic spouse one needs to regain the mental balance and peace of mind. Only then one will be strong enough to break free from a relationship with a narcissist and walk away without looking back.

Understanding the behavior of your spouse

This book will help you to understand why a narcissist or a cheater is behaving in a certain way. When you understand the real reasons for your own behavior and for the behavior of your spouse, it will be easier for you to deal with the situation. This book will help you to recognize certain behavioral patterns and teach you how to deal with them. If you are dealing with a narcissist and wish to leave, this book will help you to end the relationship. If you are forced to stay in your relationship, this book will help you to learn how to co-exist with a narcissist. If you are dealing with cheating in your relationship, this book will help you to get over your negative feelings related to the memory of cheating and helps you to understand the reasons why your spouse cheated on you. 

In the end of the book you find section "Survival Package After Cheating" with instructions of what you can do to ease the immediate pain after finding out about cheating or betrayal. The book is easy to read and emphasis is on practicality. You can start the recovery process right now by downloading the book. Tomorrow you will have a whole new view of your situation and a clear idea of what to do to help yourself to get better as soon as possible.  

To find out more about the book, see the review article at the end of this page. To download the book, please read instructions below.

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Download instructions

You can download the book by clicking the download link below to go to secure Paypal payment service page where you can make the download payment. The download fee for the book is 20 USD. Download fees are used for the maintenance and development of this website. The payment can be made with your existing Paypal account or with all major credit cards or via bank transfer (if this service is available in your country). After your payment has been received you will receive an email with a link to a private member page on this website where you can download your copy of the book (the book is in pdf format). You should receive this email within 24 hours after completing the payment. Should you encounter any problems at any stage of the download process, please contact me at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
 
- Maria
Searchforbalance 
 

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BOOK REVIEW

Healing After Cheating - Learn to Control Your Emotions

 

In addition to getting over cheating or an affair, mind control methods described here can be used to teach the brain to cope with the stress and depression caused by a relationship with a narcissist. In order to heal you must learn to let go of the negative memories. Controlling your emotions will help you to see your situation objectively. The aim of this book is to help you to get rid of the emotional pain you are now experiencing and to regain your happiness and mental balance.

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You have navigated to these pages because you are experiencing negative emotions related to narcissism, cheating or an affair. Your husband or wife may have left you after cheating or an affair occurred, you may have left your spouse after you found out about cheating or you may have made the decision to try to save your relationship after cheating took place but you are having hard time forgetting the memory of cheating. You may feel extreme anger and pain when you think about the matters related to cheating or an affair. Painful memories may come to your mind at unexpected times, causing you emotional suffering, anxiety, depression and sadness.

There is a biological basis for your painful emotions related to narcissism, cheating and other tragedies in life. If you understand why you feel the way you do it will be easier for you to control your emotions and get over the pain. If you wish to learn more about this topic please read article How to Control Negative Emotions. 

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The Amazing Brain - How to Suppress the Pain

I know exactly what you are going through right now, I have experienced the same emotional pain. I am currently doing brain research in university in my home country. I became interested in the mechanisms of the mind and the brain which are responsible of the feelings of depression, anxiety and sadness related to tragedies in life such as cheating or living with a narcissistic spouse.

Think of the pain from an evolutionary point of view. If you accidentally place your hand on a hot stove, you feel the pain. The pain serves as a biological warning mechanism, informing you that something in your environment is harmful for you. The pain is forcing you to act: You quickly remove your hand from the stove. Mental pain also serves as a warning mechanism. For example, you feel the pain after finding out about cheating because one of the basic elements in your life has changed: You thought you could trust your spouse fully but that turned out to be a false belief. You cannot continue your life as if nothing has happened. The pain you feel forces you to act: You will either try to stay together with your spouse, regain the trust and mend the relationship or you will leave your spouse (you remove the element that is causing your pain). 

Human brain is more flexible than one would think. We have the power to influence the way our brain is working in certain situations, in same fashion as it is possible to teach the brain for example to get rid of various phobias, such as the fear of rats or snakes etc. A good example of the mind control is the ability to block the sensation of physical pain from entering the brain. In same fashion one can learn to suppress the mental pain related to the emotional withdrawal symptoms after ending the relationship with a narcissistic partner or to suppress the pain related to the memory of mental abuse, cheating or betrayal. We do not have to go with the flow, we can control the way we feel and the way our life will evolve.

There is a physiological basis for the mechanism of the voluntary control of the brain and the mind. It is possible to teach the muscles in our body to move in new ways while learning to ride a bicycle, to dance etc. In same fashion it is possible to "train" the brain to react in certain ways in certain situations. It takes time for the brain to change, for better or worse. Your behavior will determine how fast or slowly you will recover after cheating or stressful relationship with a narcissist.

If you dwell on negative memories related to cheating and try to drown your grief into alcohol or isolate yourself from the world, you can be sure that the neuronal networks in your brain related to negative thoughts will be strengthened and your recovery will take longer. But if you decide to "force" your brain to adapt different kind of approach by using simple mental and physical exercises you can significantly speed up your recovery and learn to deal with negative emotions related to the memory of cheating or an affair. To understand better what I mean by training the brain to adapt different kind of approaches in certain situations, visit pages Mental Tools Help to Suppress Emotional Pain and How to Control Negative Emotions.

The most important thing for you to do right now is to get rid of the mental pain caused by the memory of cheating or unhappy events related to your narcissistic spouse. After that you can decide what you wish to do with your life. You may wish to stay with your husband or wife or you may wish to go your separate ways. Whatever you decide it is best that you make your decision with a clear mind, not when your thoughts are clouded by pain, depression, anxiety, anger and frustration.

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Survival Package after Cheating or Mental Abuse

The aim of this book is to speed up the recovery process after mental tragedies such as cheating or living with a narcissistic partner. My goal is to give factual scientific insights regarding the mental pain and to introduce ways to help the mind and the brain to heal faster. The book includes practical tips and information regarding what one can do to speed up the recovery.

 

The most important thing for you to do right now is not to let the actions of your husband or wife influence the quality of your life any more than they already have. The aim of this book is to help you to get over the feelings of anger, depression, anxiety and sadness and gain control of your emotions. When this has been achieved you can decide what you wish to do with your life and with your relationship. If your husband or wife has left you and is not willing to continue the relationship, this book will help you to get over your grief and move on with your life.

If you wish to read the book you find download instructions in the beginning of this page (book is in pdf format which makes it convenient to read). In the end of the book you find section "Survival Package After Cheating" with instructions of what you can do to ease the pain after you found out about cheating or betrayal. The book is easy to read and emphasis is on practicality. You can start the recovery process right now by downloading the book. Tomorrow you will have a whole new view of your situation and a clear idea of what to do to help yourself to get better as soon as possible.

The download fee for the book is 20 USD. You will receive your copy of the book within 24 hours after making the download payment. Payments are processed through a secure Paypal payment service. Payment can be made either with your existing Paypal account or with all major credit cards or via bank transfer (if this service is available in your country). If you are not familiar with Paypal and wish to know more about the service, visit www.paypal.com. For more details of the download process of the book, please read the download instructions below.

In addition to getting help for your own situation, by downloading this book you are helping me to maintain and further develop this website so that more people can find help from here. If you wish to participate in the development of this website for example by producing content to be published, please feel free to contact me by email. I would be happy to hear from you and get your feedback regarding the book and this website. 

- Maria

 

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Personal advice and feedback

Please familiarize yourself with the book Learn to Control Your Emotions (see previous chapters for more details). After reading the book please send me email by clicking This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it and describe your current situation. Tell me if you have been through some of the emotional phases described in the book. I will give you my feedback regarding your situation. You are not alone. Together we will get you through this difficult phase in your life. Please do not hesitate to write.  

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Download instructions

You can download the book by clicking the download link below to go to secure Paypal payment service page where you can make the download payment. The download fee for the book is 20 USD. Download fees are used for the maintenance and development of this website. The payment can be made with your existing Paypal account or with all major credit cards or via bank transfer (if this service is available in your country). After your payment has been received you will receive an email with a link to a private member page on this website where you can download your copy of the book (the book is in pdf format). You should receive this email within 24 hours after completing the payment. Should you encounter any problems at any stage of the download process, please contact me at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
 
- Maria
Searchforbalance 
 
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Comments (98)
  • Jen  - I love your book!
    Maria, I love your book, thank you for helping so many people to cope with their pain. With your help I am going to get through this nightmare. Love, Jen
  • totls
    I want to leave my husband so bad but all the drama and begging and lies, I visited this web site for the first time today, I have finally realized that Im am married to a man that is not capable of love. He has no respect for me and sometimes I doubt he see's me as anything more that an animal!! He has brought women in my home my childrens home and used he was fixing their computers as an excuse, only to find out that alot more was going on. These 2 women I set I talked to them in my home, then one day in march he didnt log off his computer and I found were him and these 2 women and 2 others where sending pictures of their privates to one another. The same day I found out I had to go to work He had my car, I tried to call him for a couple hours and he wouldnt answer or it would go straight to voice mail his excuse was oh his phone was dead well I hacked into his cell phone account and discovered him and one of the other women had talked and text during the time it was suppose to be dead his excuse for not being home was he went to a friends house that he hadnt talked to in weeks and didnt call or anything on a saturday before heading to a single mans house on a saturday night. He told me he never did anything with these women just the naked pics and assured me he wasnt talking to them I found that to be a lie as well. This web site has helped me really want to get away from him he doesnt love or respect me or my kids. Why did I ever feel sorry for him or care if he had a place to stay when I left him before? Now me and my kids have to leave our home that I have paid the rent and bills, he hasnt paid but about one bill in a year not even the car payment that i pay and never have use of my own car. I wont feel sorry for him again I want my life back and me back, but how do I leave and get him to leave me alone He is really good at lying and charming, how did i get in this fix!! My kids deserve all of me but he has demanded all my time and money and made so many promises. Oh the cheating he blames me I havent tried to be a good wife I dont listen, these arent the first the first he admits to her but says they only had sex one time even though her son told my daughter that his mother and her step dad were dating!! I know that its not my fault the way he is but why have I stayed so long invested so much time I honestly havent gotten anything out of this relationship but drug down he doesnt show me love. duh he dont love me!! am I right!!
  • BBG  - There is no excuse for Cheating
    There is no excuse for cheating. To those that want to justify it because they didn't get more attention from their partner, the solution is not to get attention somewhere else. The solution is to talk about what is missing in the relationship and decide whether its fixable and fix it, or talk about leaving the relationship to be free to pursue other interests. Never to cheat. I say this because I cheated. I felt the neglect from my boyfriend and instead of talking to him, I wrongly chose to get the attention/affection I was craving for from my ex-boyfriend. Needless to say I paid the consequences. My boyfriend forgave me, but I couldn't help feeling disgusted about myself for a long period of time. I changed my behaviour radically to slowly regain his trust. Changed phone, e-mail, avoided situations of temptation, cut complete contact with the ex and showed my affection to my boyfriend at all times, didn't rush him into forgiving me, knowing that it takes time to regain trust. We got engaged a year later, and then he started cheating on me. I tried not to stir the waters, even though I knew he wasn't faithful, because I felt that I deserved to be cheated on, but that is not the case. I showed him complete love and devotion for 5 consecutive years after the cheating took place. I found out that he was cheating on me even before I cheated on him and during the engagement period. I confronted him about it, and went to therapy for over a year. He'd been cheating for all 5 and a half years of our relationship. All he said he would do to regain my trust were lies. I recently found terrible e-mails, photos and videos of him with someone else, and he kept denying that he cheated and begs me to marry him. He justified getting messages from girls on his phone ans "being social", and almost everytime I was brainwashed to believe him, but he would not let me even go near his phone. And whenever I opened his phone there was always a message from a girl sending him kisses of inviting him to meet up. Every promise he had made to me, he has broken the very next day. Needless to say that I broke off the engagement and am resolved to never see him again in my life. I am going to therary to make sure I don't make the same mistakes again and try to accelerate my recovery.
    These are 2 examples of how cheating is NEVER good, but if you have cheated, you need to go above and beyond to regain the trust of your partner. Otherwise, it's not worth keeping the relationship. I am currently horrified with images of the two of them together, I wake up with anxiety attacks and my body is suffering the consequences of his abuse. Images follow me during the most unexpected moments, and I burst crying. I have to deal with my grieve, I will give this book a try. I agree, cheating is for the weak. It requires strenght to nurture a relationship in good and in bad times.
  • Lily
    You go girl! He is not worth the time, effort and pain. Don't let him in your life again.
  • Cole Taylor  - I'm married, he's not ...
    I have been with my N boyfriend for 16 years. I remember our very first night ... it was magical as was that first year, but ... he went from his last relationship, of 12 years, to me ... from her house to mine. I should have worried then.

    Now, all these years later, there are so many women, Jessica, Miracle, Kwanza, Carrie, Elizabeth, Jenny, Kelly and now Megan. Megan is my son's age ... she's 23 and my boyfriend is 44 ...

    I don't know what happened in all cases. I don't even know if I want to know. I always believe his 'story'. That it was she that wanted him. That he met with her simply to tell her he couldn't see her (yeah, my favorite). He says it was a kiss ... just a kiss ... oh, then the love poem, he was drunk that night ...

    I don't know what to believe, but I know that I'm not stupid, and I wonder now why I've acted like I am.

    I am looking for strength to get away. I finally walked out of his life three days ago, when at a party someone asked for Megan's phone number. He didn't offer it, and I knew he had it ... he knew I knew, but he tells me he didn't want everyone to know he had her number. So, if she's simply a friend, why not? The next night he let the same guy use HIS phone to contact Megan.

    Wow, I feel so stupid, even as I type this.

    I know he's a very smart guy. I know too he can win me back if I don't watch myself very carefully ... and part of me can't wait to forgive him and feel the sweetness he can serve up, when trying to get me back.

    But this time, I'm thinking back, to all the times before. The lies. The secret phone, secret email, secret Facebook ... what ? Why all the secrets if all is well in paradise?

    It's not well and I'm not stupid.

    Thank you for this site, and if I can get my money back from Mr. Wrong's bank account (we've shared one for years now), I'll buy your book.

    Cole
  • jennifer  - xx
    My boyfriend of 2 years decided to cheat on me 5 months into my pregnancy with his child. To be honest at the time i fell pregnant, i wasnt sure wether to keep it or not, but he promised me he would always be there and never do anything to hurt me or the baby...well guess i was the fool for believing him!..

    And to top things off he now will not give me any of my things back or any money he owes my family, AND hes with the girl he cheated on me with

    I feel so hurt and betrayed right now and also sooo angry that i ever trusted him and to think now my poor baby has to witness what a waste of space he really is :(

    my lesson learnt? Never trust anyone 100 %
  • 2ne Life  - trust
    Jennifer... My husband of 13 years cheated on me the whole time. He ended up leaving me at the end and now left me with 3 kids, all the bills, responsibilities, etc.


    I hate to see that you dont want to trust anyone again.
    YOU should trust again. You deserve a great guy. Just take your experience and learn from it. See the signs.

    I found a great guy and will not let him suffer because of what my ex did to me.

    Enjoy life!
  • kelly jones  - ,,,
    ,,,help
  • San  - For Kelly
    Kelly: What do you need help on?
  • Heather
    thanks....i am dealing with the aftermath of a cheating husband and the pain has been almost unbearable. I constantly have been thinking about it and its been hard to trust and go on with daily life in general. It's nice to know i am not alone and there is help out there.
  • yorkie2  - Heather
    How long has it been since discovery day? For me it has been 8 months... I still have mixed emotions about leaving...staying..but am waiting for 1 year before I make any rash decisions. Why am I still here...I love my husband...we have been together for almost 30 years...and they were good years..that is until last July 2009 when H decided to have a 6 month affair with a coworker who was same age as my daughter...46...he was 60 at the time and I 65... It has been a whirlwind of a year since I discovered it in Nov. but couldn't prove it until Dec. and confronted him Dec. 27.... I must admit the pain is not as crucial as it was back then...there are days when I can tolerate it and then there are the bad days.... We have been working at fixing the marriage...myself more then him...he is not a romantic person to begin with so I have been trying to change this and to some degree it has been working. He however, would like it all to be forgotten about and to go on the way we were but this will NEVER happen... I can accept what happened but cannot at this time forgive him nor do I trust him 100%... Probably never will..as I will NEVER put myself in that position again... I'm going against my beliefs now that I have always told him...better make it worth your while because she can have you..but when it actually came to the crunch I couldn't leave... |He is my soulmate...the love of my life and I have been married 3 times..one cheated and the other passed away... Life can be a real bitch at times..but it is nice to have sites like this to fall back on... Good luck and think about yourself...put yourself first now and heal yourself..but don't do anything rash...
  • MiMi  - Don't know what to do
    I've been in a relationship with a guy for 8yrs. I found out he has been cheating for the past year. It's been about 3 months since I discovered the cheating. He started to act angry all the time. He was diagnosed with Diabetes and had a blood clot in his leg. I kept telling him to get help for depression. He met a gal 20yrs younger than him in a bar while he was on business out of state. he bought her a car, furniture, cell phones, trips to Mexico,even an engagment ring. While this was going on, he kept telling me he loved me, but wasn't feeling well, I kept thinking he was ill, not knowing that he was actually screwing someone young enough to be his daughter. Suddenly he shows up at my door confesses all of this and begs me to forgive him. He kept writing me letters and begging me. I'm so hurt and confused. He was trying very hard and was very sweet, but now he's changed. He gets angry everytime I question him about anything. He won't give me his cell phone statements etc. Not sure if he's telling me the truth. Do I give him a second chance?? I love him, but I don't know if I respect him. He's lied so much. His friend told me he also cheated on his deceased wife. Not sure what to believe. When he's not angry,he tells me he doesn't want to live, and he cries alot. It's like he blames this situation on me and tells me he can't live like this. What do I do???
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