I've only just discovered what a narcissist is, having been married to two and growing up with one as a father. I'm a co dependant, no doubt, grateful to be seen and to feel special, which is how it is in the beginning with narcissists. Having grown up wanting my N father to love me, i had the blue print for inviting these monsters into my realm. I wish i'd understood it before, but better late than never! Leaving a N is very difficult and is akin to getting off a drug because you've become the supply and lost yourself completely. Identifying with your 'special' N and waiting for him to throw you a little kindness or charm to keep you going. your also an extention of them and didn't notice when that occurred, the bounderies are blurred with constant lies and manipulation. YOU FEEL CRAZY. Of course when you're broken down, your N devalues you and keeps you captive by little put downs, telling you are imagining it, and are probably just depressed. These are very sick people, who make you sick by being with them. It's difficult to reconcile the intense love you felt for them, and come to terms with the fact that it was an idealised fantasy created to feed their insatiable appetite for approval and to fill the empty void that's a bottomless pit.
I have found that doing visualisations of cutting the cords and actively healing my soul has helped because it feels a little like soul rape. I know that sounds drastic....! Goodluck to NPD survivors, in getting whole again. Lee

Very well put !

If you are in a relationship with one of these people, get out, no matter how much it may hurt. I stayed too long and now mine is a stroke patient and totally dependent on me. He is still manipulative and abusive, totally narcissistic and controlling. He can't cheat on me anymore, and he can't control the finances. Since he has had several seizures he can't even drive. That makes him angrier than anything. His friends have abandoned him. He has no family. I am all he has. Our grown children feel sorry for me and still love him, but are in no position to offer any help. Get out while you can. Don't get stuck in a situation where you feel worthless if you stay and guilty if you leave. It's a never ending treadmill of despair. Get out NOW!!! Never look back.

Two years ago. I still can feel the total immersion in her love, as if I was in the womb, loving and being loved totally. Accepted totally. Sex like a wonderful passionate delicious drug, lying there half asleep my body tingling with natural brain chemicals. I was home, home in myself, home with her. Two souls that have wandered for many lifetimes that have found their place and time. Depth and meaning in and for my life beyond any prior dreams or aspirations.

Last night. The fact that I'm home during the day is such an irritation to her that she's in a state of continuous rage. The abuse is so constant that I live for the periods of calm between them. I crawl back begging for scraps of kindness, moments of closeness. I have accepted that what I see and feel and taste and know are only correct if they don't conflict with her imagined reality, and yet I stay and give and try and empower and enable. Do I really spend a couple hours a day under a blanket in tears? I do. I need to look at that and consider if something is amiss in my life.

Yes, something is amiss, it is me. I know that because this woman with whom I've been more honest and more open and unguarded than any person my entire life tells me at every opportunity. Her facts are beyond reproach or question, even though I've searched and strived to see what she describes in myself in vain. That's just another example of my invalidity. Nobody can be as cruel as she seems to be, nobody could hurt me and strike out and undermine and demean and belittle unless I deserved it.

When this started I was a giant among men, she was desperate for my attention and approval. She glowed under my compliments and cowered at my frown. Now I cower all the time, it must be because I've become deserving of her loathing. She knows me so well, if she treats me this way it must be because I deserve it.

But still I analyze, look, remember, at least I think I remember because she's attacked and confronted so much of what I've dared to describe when I see it that I mistrust even my eyes and ears. But somewhere deep inside I know there is truth in my mind and senses. I beg her to stop the hostility but that just makes her more cruel.

Finally last night it was too much. She was deep in one of her frequent total rages, tearing me limb from limb emotionally. I decided that she should get a dose back. I let go of my self control and went into a rage myself. I screamed at the top of my lungs. Let the spit fly from my mouth a few inches from her face and told her this is what she must want since it's what she gives. When there was not enough in her face i spit directly. Told her to stay ten feet away and not say a fucking word while i filled a bag with clothes and grabbed my toilet kit.

Did I mention that I've run myself $35,000 in debt giving her a nice hope while she didn't work and tried to "heal" and "find herself". That she's known this all the while she actually spent my money to schedule a vacation for herself alone....

I went to a safe house of a friend who's in the hospital. She texted me an hour later and asked if I wanted to have dinner, she's making pasta and made enough for two.......

And I wanted to go. To sit and have her gaze at me with that look in her eye. Wanted to feel that sexual openness she brings to our lovemaking. That look of vulnerability, hope, wonderment, love.

It's like a mythic story where the mariners are drawn to the song of the beautiful creatures but the creatures are on the rocks and the ship is lost with all souls. I don't hear the swan song now but I have. The memory alone is so delicious that I yearn for it, it makes me forget all I've experienced.

I've quit addictions before, alcohol, tobacco. I know what it takes, coming to accept the yearning and gnawing as a transition, maybe a long transition. But this yearning is for my deepest most precious hopes and dreams. This dream life we planned together. Letting go of that, turning my head away from the sirens song and seeing the raw waves and rocks and realizing I'm afloat in a stormy sea and she sits on the rock amused but detached from my plight.

So now I'm swimming. I'm looking around at the wreck of my life. My children who feel abandoned, her family who think I'm a scoundrel for not keeping their precious safe and well. The friends I've completely lost track of from the isolation.

It sucks. I've never felt so alone. Humiliated. Still I want her. Still I swear I'd take her back for a single night of the delicious immersion in total love. Heroin. She was addicted to heroin for many years. This must be what it's like. Drawn into the warmth and comfort, only to wake years later to see the squalor and harm and pain.

I still love her, care about her. I cannot heal her. She will not care for me or about me. I can not hate her, she is a victim of how she's wired, or the product of how she's wired. I must accept my folly, accept her limitations, be the adult and move away. Let my rational self guide the damaged emotional self away from the rocks. Like a pilot in a storm, trust my gauges and ignore what I feel and see out the window.

Be well my friends. Heal, forgive, accept, but don't forget.

Love to all

David

Hi David,

I'm responding to this post because it was so articulate and encouraging. It's always nicer to hear and see someone coming to clarity -- however painful it is-- than swimming in confusion, indecision, and a craving for love that's based in abuse. And yours is.

I lived in a relationship that sounds extremely similar to yours and you describe the attraction and needs perfectly -- like a drug -- like being in the womb. I know its cliche and much easier said than done, but the more you provide that womb for yourself the further away you'll drive any attachment that causes this much pain.

What struck me was the point that you describe reacting back and leaving. No one should ever have to devolve into this type of behavior to communicate and be heard, and it is obvious that you communicated -- however dramatically-- to a wall. As extreme as your exit was and as much as it should have been a huge wake-up call, this woman then called to invite you for pasta. She obviously has an arrogance regarding her influence over you and has zero regard for your bottom line. You drew a line and she disregarded it. If you look at it from the outside its almost funny in a very sad way. I spit in your face and you make me pasta...You should NEVER have to spit in anyone's face ever again.

As someone who has overcome addictions you are a strong, resourceful, and health-minded individual capable of extraordinary personal growth. Your debt, your friendships, and your parenting will all resolve themselves as you drive this toxicity out of your life and reconnect to people. Addiction thrives in isolation. Connect back to yourself and your life.

No matter how soulful, how deep the sexual connection was, this is not a soul love -- no one who comes into your life to nourish your soul will ever rip you apart. She may have come into your life to wake you up to yourself and prepare you for the relationships that will follow.

Continue forward and have total faith that you'll find a healthy and honest love once you complete this chapter -- look at this as your most difficult learning experience that will make things easier in the future because you'll never have to repeat it. I have no doubt you'll encounter someone that will be ready to accept and reciprocate love and affection.

I have a fiance' we live together, he has some symptoms of narcissism, as I read some of the comments I now wonder if there is more? He is very controlling or tries to be, I have learned lately to stand up to him and not take the abusive behavior and words. He acts like a child sometimes, if he is not the center of attention you can see him get very irritated. I can't go anywhere without him except to work.
Issues I see in him: Controlling, child like attituded, tells me numerous times a day he loves me, like he is trying to convice himself, or make himself belive it. I am trying to read everything I can, we see a counsler once a week and all he wants to do is visit, not listen to what she has to say. I would like to go talk to her myself, but know that is he finds out he will be furios. Any ideas, thoughts would be very appreciated.

Not sure where to begin, but after reading much of the information on this site, I realized my husband is a Narcissitic. We have been together 13 years and married for 5.. With one child. He has spent most of our marriage playing video games (his down time), working (where is miserable) and sleeping!! I made the mistake of complaining because he never lifts a finger to help around the house and now has led to him leaving the house overnight to allegedly sleep in hotels! He claims he is going to bars and then hotels. I highly doubt that. He has lied that he is at work and in fact has taken vacation days to be out. I'm almost positive that he is cheating bye has always been a cheater. Never thought He was until the last few weeks. He received some monies from suits and now thinks he's invincible. He had blamed me for our marriage being a disaster. Oh yea, did I mention that he does not go out or take our our daughter. He doesn't spend family time... Ever.. And if he does he's miserable.. Late or rushing back. He has been sleeping with his phone in his pocket and has even gotten to take it in the shower. His phone is his primary tool when he cheats. I know his routine. But I'm the crazy one, making up stuff. It's really driving me insane and I feel stuck and was obsessed tryingnto prove he is cheating. This weeken he just packed up clothes and walked out and said he was not going to be in the house to be scrutinized... He left and didn't show up for over fourteen hours later. Oh yea now he's acting normal. Like nothing ever happen. He's out of his mind. He believes that he's not doingnanything wrong. Everyone else that sees a problem with his behavior is crazy. Oh he also makes a ton of blocked called and hides in the batheroom for hours to call and text!! That's just the short end of all the drama in my life!! I need to get out but don't know what step to take next!! Help!!!

I am just beginning to learn about this. I am married and have three kids with my narccisistic husband. He is not violent although has put bruises on me once. He controls everything. He isolates me from my friends and family. Controls all finances. He seems completely normal to most people and he has told me when we speak of seperation that if i leave i will not be allowed to leave with my three small children...all under the ages of five. He is a great father...but a terrible husband. I have become depressed, have anxiety attacks daily, and no self worth...because of him. He sees that he is rational, logical, and fine. He tells me that i am crazy..he makes me feel like if i were to take him to court for custody..that he will win..because he is extremely intelligent and knows how to manipulate very well. He is very convincing. How do i leave? I will not leave with out my kids. But i refuse to live my life this way. Pleeease help me.

Another useful resource seems to be this site: www.angriesout.com/family1.htm

(It helps explain some possible reasons why "we" still love "them" when it "makes no sense"...)

In addition to the wonderful resources at this site (www.cheating-infidelity.com) I would suggest that people trapped in painful related site for some great insights about what makes "us" choose "them". You can see more at www.angriesout.com/family1.htm

That is so true I was in a relationship for 4 years with my narcissistic boyfriend. When he "give" it was his benefit not mine. Burden is the right word for them...because that's what I felt like to him was a burden. Its funny all the signs are there early in the relationship, but somehow we are already entranced by them. Yes, if your into let me "give" you love, and let me take it back thats for you. .I tried to remain friends with him..but even at that he still wanted to play that game. Right before Christmas, I told him I met someone new, and I havent heard from him since. Its a good thing I know. But its kinda sad, that I miss him, why is it I miss someone that made me feel like a burden, not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, that didnt want to know me, my family. Hoping this missing goes away soon...because I want to finally get on with my life, that has been on hold for 4 years.

The book The Betrayal Bond, Breaking free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. , does an awesome job explaining why we still feel attached or yearn for people who have betrayed us, it is called a trauma bond. For better or worse, it was created and reading this book and doing the exercises will help remove that bond and will free you. Best of luck.

Relationships require give-and-take. Narcissists are only interested in taking. Relationships are a burden to them because they are required to "give." They can't be bothered. If you want to be in a relationship and get nothing from them, that is their idea of a relationship.