Hi Maria,

Where would I even start w/my story? It falls along the same lines as the rest: A. was perfect, charming, easy to talk to, agreeable, so very good looking. Just the perfect guy. That should have been a clue, but I had never known what narcissism was, so it never crossed my mind. I just really thought he was my king. We lie on the beach and look at the houses there, picking out which one we’d pick if we could have any. I know, sounds crazy. But that’s how goofy we’d be able to get. We get hotel rooms, move the couch to the windows and just sit there and talk for hours over wine. The sex was great, but after a while it got a little odd (more about that later). He was just my dream come true. I will say this, I was really, totally in love with him.

I’d start to notice that after we’d get extremely close and intimate, he’d find some way to put distance between us. Either by just not calling for a few days, starting a fight, or whatever he had to. And when he’d do this, he’d shut off his phone so there’d be no way to reach him. When we’d get into a fight, he hang up on me and it would be a day or two before he’d turn it back on. It just seemed so extreme since they were usually fights over such unimportant stuff. It wasn’t like I had cheated on him, but that’s sure how he’d react. His reactions to the arguments just never matched what we fought over. But I didn’t see this as a sign of anything…

In time, he bought a house near my daughters schools and we moved in together (remember, he was perfect). He bought me a ring and we were engaged. We were going to the Queen Mary to make wedding plans. I bought my wedding dress, which still hangs at my parents to this day. And overnight, literally overnight, he became someone else. The man on the beach? He was gone. The man who sat on the couch near the window? Gone. Did he ever even exist? That’s the question I still, to this day, cannot answer.

Suddenly, it was a huge deal how I’d decorate. He’d follow me around as I put things here and there, telling me if it was okay or not. I’d then give up out of frustration. If I opened the blinds too much or too little, he’d adjust them to the “perfect opening”. And he’d do this EVERY DAY. I didn’t catch this right away, but when I did, I gave up and just stopped opening them at all. Fine, you want them a certain way? Then YOU do it! But no, that wasn’t enough. He then got angry that I wasn’t opening them at all. I couldn’t win w/this guy!

There were just little things, like me wanting to fix the yards up and remove unsightly plants. He’d always have some reason why he didn’t want to do it. But then suddenly, he’d wake up and it would be HIS idea to remove them and within days it was done. And he’d be so proud of himself for making the decision. There were some tall flowers in the backyard that I really liked – and he knew it. He had the gardeners come out to mow the lawns and trim the plants. We agreed on the height of those tall flowers, told the gardener this and off we went to do our thing. Later, he comes in, all excited that the work was done and wants to show me. And what do I see? The flowers were completely trimmed back! Nothing even close to what we had decided. But because he changed his mind as the work was being done, he made the change w/out asking me. I was beyond pissed. That was the last time I ever gave my opinion on another thing in that house. That was the last time I ever worked in that yard.

A.’s explosions were something else. OMG, the rage!! The venom! He was making all of us a big dinner of spaghetti one night and it was getting later and later. We’re all getting hungry, the water is boiling and the sauce is done. The bread is out of the oven. He’s on the computer and watching the football game at the same time. I’m in a decent, fun mood and decide (how dare I???????) that I’m going to put the pasta in to get it started. That was a MAJOR MAJOR crime. I was supposed to let HIM do it. It was HIS dinner!! He was SO pissed, he got up, slammed his computer door, grabbed his keys and left. He then turned his phone off for the next 3 hrs. The girls and I ended up going to McDonalds. When he got home, he was livid, just so hateful. The look in his eyes scared me to death. I thought I was dead. He didn’t speak to me for three days. And this was over me putting the pasta in the water? Wow….

The next incident that should have been a sign is when my parents came over. I was playfully grabbing the remote out of his hands so that I could “mute” it during the commercials. He was going along w/it, or so I thought. When my parents left, he wouldn’t even speak to me. When I asked what was wrong, he gave me that evil look and said “Don’t you EVER do that again!!” And of course I had no idea what the hell he was talking about. He was mad that I was grabbing the remote from him.

There were more incidents, more arguments. It always came down to me having to explain why I did this or didn’t do that. He didn’t want me to listen to my music (it was shutting him out), so I quit. It bothered him that I read so much, so I stopped. He couldn’t understand why, after work, I just needed some quiet time to myself. I just didn’t have anything to give him yet and needed to recharge. This bothered him to no end. I’d then fake being okay, but it was killing me. By the time each Friday came up, he was so angry over how “I treated him” all week, that he’d take off for the night. And turn his phone off. And then come home and we’d argue, fuss and fight for the next two days. No joke, each fight would last two to three days. The entire time it was me defending whatever I had done wrong. In hindsight, I see it was his way of putting space between us. But at the time, I really did think it was me.

The other area was in how I dressed. If he was okay w/what I had on, he’d compliment me. If he didn’t like it, he’d just give me a look and I’d know. Why I did this, I don’t know, but in those cases, I’d change my outfit. And then he’d say “Oh, that looks much better”. If my makeup or hair didn’t look right, he’d always have to make a comment. I just always felt like I had to be perfect, act perfect, look perfect. But of course I didn’t realize this at the time. I just knew my real self was dying and being killed off. I no longer spoke up, no longer gave my opinion, no longer did the things I enjoyed, no longer wore the things he didn’t approve of, etc. I was gone, killed, put away.

Sex? It was great in the beginning, that’s for sure. But in time, it got to where he couldn’t look me in the eye. It was like he had to concentrate on whatever he was thinking of it in order to continue. He’d get a very odd look in his eyes, and he didn’t seem to be “there”. It was weird. But I just passed it off as being “his way of doing it”. He told me later that he’d have to concentrate and imagine things in order to orgasm. (Yes, I had to ask…ha)

The ending for us is when I had my hysterectomy. I had months of healing to get thru. My hormones were a mess, my sex drive was AWOL and I just didn’t have the energy to do things. He started going off and doing things on his own, which was fine, cause I got tired of trying to keep up. The arguments got so much worse and I’d sometimes go get a room to get away from his anger. He was just scaring me too much. Six months after my surgery, he said he was done and that it’d be a good idea if the girls and I moved out. By the end of the month, we were living apart. There was no decline of our relationship in the classic sense, it was just that he had made his mind up that we were finished. So what he wanted, he’d get.

And that was the worst of it. I didn’t know who I was. I’d sit on the couch for hours in a daze, lost, afraid. I didn’t know how to shop by myself, fix meals, pick my clothes out, clean house anymore. I was so used to following his guide, that w/out it, I was lost. I was a zombie and in a complete, total daze. It took me YEARS (no, I’m not kidding) to find myself again. I had just altered so much of myself that the things I used to do when stressed out (music and reading) no longer worked. I hadn’t been to church since I was 12 or so. Here I was at 48, going again, just to be around people. I sure wasn’t going to start dating cause I was too messed up.

I found a group that discusses domestic abuse and that’s when I found out that I had been abused, not physically, but emotionally. I had never known this kind of abuse existed. It has taken me years of being alone (7) since this breakup and I’ve moved several times to find the “right place”. But I have become independent again. I knew this the day I went by myself and purchased a new refrigerator. I knew that day I was going to be okay…. But sadly, it has been 7 years since this ended and I still have no desire for a relationship. I’ll go on a date but find all these reasons why it won’t work and never see the guy again. Then I’m still safe and single. I just never want to trust anyone again. In a sense, I also don’t trust my judgment either. I will always wonder how I got caught up in his trap, how I could have let him change me.

And what about him? Well, within 3 months of our breakup, he found someone online in Oklahoma. Even though we were “so in love”, engaged to get married, had all these dreams and were such soul mates, he was able to replace me within months. He was online within weeks of me moving out. I think that’s one of the things that hurts the most.

He has still tried to get me to return but I was too afraid. It took too long to get on my feet again and this time I knew better. This gal now lives here with him, they’re going to buy their own place locally. As of today, “our” house is for sale. He tells me that because she is affectionate and always in a good mood that it works better for him. But then he’ll add that it’s me he “really” loves, not her. She just fills his needs better than I could. I think a lot of it is because she left her kids in OK for him so he doesn’t have to share her w/anyone. She’s also very dependent on him since she didn’t grow up here so has no friends/family here. His perfect mate. The only problem? She has gained over 30lbs since moving here and he hates it…!!!! So the joke is on him.

But sadly, I still can’t seem to let go of the person I thought he was. The illusion of who I thought he was is the man I fell in love with, and he disappeared overnight. I can’t seem to find closure because I went to move in w/my dream guy and yet there was another guy walking in that door in his place. It was bizarre. I guess my biggest fear is that I never want to be so entrapped again. I’d almost prefer to stay single the rest of my life.

Anyhow, that’s my story. I look forward to reading all of yours… Thanks!

Thank you for your letter. I am so sorry that you ran into this kind of a person who has caused you so much misery. Getting involved with a narcissistic or otherwise emotionally disturbed individual can be compared to getting into a serious car accident. A good thing is that you are now free of his depressing influence. Trust me: In time you will find your happiness again. Thank you for sharing your story, reading about your experiences will help others who have faced similar issues in their relationship. To read more about narcissism in a relationship and how to recover after ending an abusive relationship, please see section Narcissism.

It sounds like this man indeed has some serious issues in the relationship front. He appears to be looking for a "perfect" woman, and ideal creature that does not exist in reality. He told you that he likes his new woman "because she is always in good mood". No one is in good mood constantly, 24/7, year after year. When routine steps into the relationship he will see that similar problems resurface with this new woman.

You wrote: I will say this, I was really, totally in love with him. This summarizes the feelings of all of us who have been in a relationship with a narcissistic person. We all fell very deeply in love with our partner and our love kept us "captured" in the relationship. If is was not for the love, we would never have allowed ourselves to be treated so badly by another person.

So many people have written to me saying that they always thought of themselves as strong, independent people, until they ended up in a relationship with a person who had narcissistic tendencies and suddenly realized they were no longer in control of their lives. A person who used to be strong finds she is slowly becoming more and more depressed as a result of constant emotional (and often also physical) abuse. This is no wonder: If one hears negative things all the time, one slowly starts to believe those things are true.

Why it is so dangerous to remain in an abusive relationship - Adaptation

We humans are built in such a way that we adapt to changing circumstances. If we could not adapt, merciless evolution would have terminated our species long ago. So, in a way adaptation is a positive thing, but in the same time it can be used against us. A good example of adaptation that is often used in the text books of biology is the following: If you place a hand in a bowl of water and the water is gradually heated up, you can stand much higher temperatures without pulling your hand out than if you would abruptly place your hand into hot water. The phenomena is called adaptation: The nerve endings in your hand have slowly adapted to the heat and do not signal of danger as effectively as before when the water starts to be dangerously hot.

The same thing happens when you are staying in an abusive relationship for a prolonged period of time: Your sense of what is normal and what is not becomes blurred, and as a result you tolerate things that you would never tolerate if they occurred in the very beginning of the relationship. If your abusive partner would have behaved badly from the beginning of the relationship, you would have realized that you are dealing with an abnormal individual and most likely you would have ended the relationship immediately. This kind of "adaptation" is the reason why it is so dangerous to remain in a relationship with a narcissist: These people can render one seriously depressed without one even realizing what is happening until the condition is already quite advanced. 

Narcissists and the need to control

You wrote: He’d shut off his phone so there’d be no way to reach him. This is a form of control. Deliberately shutting one's phone for a prolonged period of time is an extremely disrespectful thing to do in a relationship. If you truly love your spouse you do not want your spouse not be able to reach you, and most of all, you do not want your spouse to suffer. In some sick, twisted way these people appear to receive some sort of pleasure when they keep their phone shut while they know the other person is suffering while trying to reach them. Somehow these people need this sort of "confirmation" of the love of their spouse. In some ways seeing the pain their rejecting behavior is causing to their spouses appears to prove to them that their spouses love them and hence serve as means to boost their own ego and validate themselves as human beings. We need to remember that narcissistic people are deep inside very insecure individuals who need constant external validation. This is the reason narcissists end up having affairs (to read more about this topic see page Narcissistic Personality Disorder).

So many things you point out in your letter fit to the definition of a narcissist. The way your husband was constantly trying to control you, by showing you were not able to do things to meet his satisfaction (him constantly adjusting the shades after you had already done so and many other examples you gave). This is something so many people who visit this website have experienced in their relationship. It is so helpful to realize that we are not alone with these issues and that the fault is not in us, but that we are living with an abnormal individual who is behaving in an abnormal way.

Another thing that you mentioned is also so typical for a narcissistic person: The rage. Please see a definition of narcissistic rage on the page Narcissistic Personality Disorder for more details. This is also something that most of us have experienced in our relationships with a narcissistic person. Another thing is the constant need to defend our own actions. You wrote that at some point you noticed you were constantly defending your behavior to your husband. This is something most of the visitors of this website have experienced as well.

The way you told your husband reacted when you decided to prepare the pasta when he was on his computer was simply ridiculous, but also quite alarming. You said you were afraid of the look in his eyes when he returned home and that he was not talking to you for three days. This is absolutely abnormal behavior, there is no question about it. All you did was to put pasta in water. No adult human being behaves this way over an insignificant tiny matter such as that.

Normal people do not behave this way. Unfortunately narcissists often do. It really sounds like you were dealing with a person who had lots of issues. I strongly believe it was a very good thing that the relationship ended. You tried all you could. With this kind of a person, it is impossible to make the relationship work.

A narcissist can render even the strongest person depressed

You wrote: I no longer spoke up, no longer gave my opinion, no longer did the things I enjoyed, no longer wore the things he didn’t approve of, etc. I was gone, killed, put away. This is exactly what I mean when I say it is dangerous to remain in a relationship with a narcissistic person for a prolonged period of time. They have the ability to slowly render their spouse depressed with ongoing emotional abuse. Dear Friend, overall your story is a perfect description of how a relationship with a narcissistic person can be like. It serves as an important source of information to all those people who are in a relationship with an abusive person and are trying to understand what they are dealing with. Thank you for sharing your story. It is greatly appreciated by all those who are still struggling in their relationships, not knowing what they are dealing with.

You wrote that it took years for you to find yourself again. This is exactly why it is so very helpful and important to share our stories: It often takes years to get over a relationship with a narcissist and reading stories of others who have experienced a relationship with a similar person can help some people to break free sooner rather than later.

Thank you again for sharing your story. Always remember that in the end of the day, you have done all you could in this situation. You tried all you cold to save your relationship. There was nothing more you could have done. I am so glad to hear you are now free of this person who was making your life misery.

To read more about these topics, please see section Narcissism.

Warm hug,

Maria

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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• |2012-04-22 17:32:31 ms rose  - done in by an NPA
  I should have listened to my gut feeling in July 2009. Had just gotten on Facebook to locate family members when someone from my school past said 'remember me'...now i wish i never had...
  The Signs were there from his first deception:
  a. neglected to mention he was married when we spoke; yet sucked up compliments i gave
  b. emailed me worried about his 'integrity' as he was married yet focused on wanting to pick me up in school, false flattery and vague innuendos his wife and he were in rough straights...
  c. claimed off the bat he was a 'best friend to women especially his ex's',
  d. started relentlessly pursuing me/calling me regardless of his status convincing me that part of his life was over and he was just making his exit,
  e. blamed 100% of everything wrong in his marriage on his wife - she is frigid..maybe she got abused...rah rah rah...she has undiagnosed bpd,
  f. called incessantly the 1 time in 3 yrs i went out before a relationship was established and again at 6 am to be sure i was alone - yet his wife was in bed next to him...
  g. broke my boundaries by convincing me 'he was so worth it, going so far as to sleep with his wife repeatedly, tell me in detail his advances to her then getting feircely angry at me for wanting to back out as I knew what he was doing was wrong to talk to me and I felt dirty..
  h. gave accounts time and time again of things he did to sabotage his wife, taking great pride in his cruelty and reacted badly when i said it was 'cheating' it was cruel etc..
  i. he said he cheated on her with someone else for years but was more upset she in general mentioned men who cheat 'why would she say that..he said?'. when i pointed out he was cheating he got very angry..not the point...
  j. he kept repeating 'am i scared of his intensity' but when i started to respond in kind he would back off or get moody...
  k. we had an ldr as i was in australia and he in california. he came down several times and acted downright bored and half interested except in bed...and was all moody about his separation..his life...his this his that...i never felt first ever...
  l. once he got his divorce...i went to a massive backburner...his work his house his dog his friends his coworkers became tantamount to his success...i was accused of getting needy and needing too much...(long distance in australia..go figure)..
  m. he actually sabotaged my bid to go home on a relocation in family court after he witnessed me battling court (i am american/children american australian) and the basic human rights violated time and time again...then rest the relationship to ???? and went home not understanding why i was so furious with him...
  n. started telling me i changed..i was angry..i wasnt 'the girl he met'...invoked fights by purposely not acknowledging any milestones of relationship as in anniversaries, bdays, valentines day..any day at all..but celebrated them openly with others for other similar reasons...i didnt 'deserve' it. i had done nothing to earn his respect'....
  0. if i tried to draw him closer, he sabotaged it, went missing in action, got sulky, turned to others and purposely made plans with anyone but me and couldnt even give me free time on the phone preplanned...i became an end of the night or in between other priorities call...
  p. as soon as he knew anything i needed, no matter how tiny..a facebook post...a hello on skype (where we met..facebook...skype)...a happy bday...to have transparency and openness and a meaningful talk....he made sure i never saw it...when i would react..with growing anger...he blamed the anger..as if the outcome after the fact caused the rudeness he put on me...
  q. even though he stranded me in australia by sabotaging my court case, he started saying 'what do you want me to do i have to live a life you are down there' claimed i was jealous and ..gee..like his ex...suddenly had bpd..
  r. withheld sex, something in the beginning he was begging for due to his alleged bad marriage...
  s. withheld..everything...and despite knowing i was in australia against my will, in extreme poverty due to the situation down here and desperate to go home...he lived it up big time doing what he wanted when he wanted with who he wanted...knowing i couldnt even go to the salvation army to buy my kids clothes...'not his problem'. 2 1/2 yrs into using me for his narcissistic supply...'not his problem'..
  t. if i ever said 'put yourself in my shoes' he said that was stupid he didnt see the point and i was just trying to 'trap him'...
  u. if i ever said..please dont gawk it really hurts my feelings, the few times he ever saw me in person..he screamed he wasnt when it was so sickeningly blatant and constant and then said 2 yrs later...doing it worse than ever...EVERYONE DOES IT SO WHAT I AM WITH YOU WHATS THE BIG DEAL
  v. visited me and refused to take me on planned dates, was stingy and even made me share a coffee at a kids play area...then ran home and bought himself a $2000 coffee machine...
  w. if he ever got me anything on a few birthdays...(he flat out ignored the existence of the last one) he made sure he had the same thing if not more!!!!
  x. told me i lived in chaos (it was called poverty) and was too generous (kiss of death unless it was for him)...
  y. never bought me a luxury item yet was very picky when i bought him things..he had to have the best of the best of the best
  z. complimented himself by going..'what did the girls say about me' when he did anything for me..or 'wow i am good in bed huh' and i didnt even exist!?!?!?!
  
  now i am here 3 years later going ..what the hell was that? he fast forwarded the relationship, future faked what we 'would do' together yet any time we had the chance to do it he backed out sabotaged or forgot he ever said it...he rewrote history....trampled all my boundaries and some i didnt even know i had at the time..(I sure as hell know now!?!)...and blamed me for 100% of anything wrong...gaslighted out of any intelligent deep conversation or when i wanted to set boundaries or goals for the relationship or dared ask 'where do i stand?' so how exactly do you now see me getting out of australia? if i even asked why he felt he was worth so much more than me...he went silent and sulked.
  
  so exhausted from it all and having been used yet blamed as if i was the manipulator and user...yet i was the clear concise one up front and all the way through and had the same up front agenda from the day we allegedly 'fell in love'...to be together in my home country...
  
  go figure...he didnt mind the attention spoiling and me bringing him out of his shell so he felt important...
  
  I broke it off last week. Said I needed a real relationship with someone who wouldnt leave me in poverty in a foreign country stripped of my rights on purpose...I suspect he had already gotten his optional source of narcissistic supply lined up...I saw him do it to his mistress and to his wife...of course i was next...
  
  But you know what..I feel relieved but shell shocked. It wasnt that my gut feelings weren't ringing loud and clear from day one or that i kept silent and didnt assert my rights...its that I allowed him to trample me emotionally and I didnt walk away the first time it happened..which was when we met and he had lied about being married off the bat...the red flag was up...
  f.
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• |2012-04-16 05:59:28 shalane
  Thanks so much Becky for sharing and the book recommendation. I still waver with the blocking thing - I have unblocked him a few times and then about an hour later, I reblock when I come to my senses. LOL. I guess I want him to be calling me frantic. I will order the book now because it does sound great! Thank you again. These guys never seem to form a healthy bond. I just don't get it after the age of 30!
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• |2012-04-12 16:32:17 Michelle  - confused or stupid
  I am hoping that someone will comment or give me some plain old good advise. Twelve years ago,I ran into an old friend....handsome,very sexy, charming, attentive and made me feel like a million bucks. We were both recently divorced and found something in common with each other. We have great conversations,he seemed to give the perfect advice and knew just what to say at the right time.There was not a day that went by that he did not make me feel special. I had found my COMPUTER GENERATED man. He was perfect in every way almost too good to be true. After a year of dating he proposed in the most romantic place with an amazing princess cut diamond ring. I was on top of the world and was determine to not let this marriage fail. I tried to do everything perfect but it was never good enough. Shortly after getting married red flags began to appear. I found out he hit on my sister (maid of honor), there was excessive drinking, womanizing, flirting and with every action of his there was that explaination that just made things right again. He had the perfect lie for the perfect action and never uttered the words "I'm sorry". Whenever I would express concerns about our marriage his head would go in the sand like an ostrich and his respond was...it must be you, we are fine..with no fail. I've been told I need counseling...I'm crazy, I make hills into mountains. I believed him...went to marriage counseling by myself (he would not)..sought counseling from my paster and even went to the doctor to get on anti-depressents.Remember, I had just had a failed marriage (unexpectently). I was not about to let this marriage fail. He was never supportive of his advice to me..he would laugh and make fun of the counselors advice. He would late use not taking my anti-depressent as the reason why we would fight. Tired of always being made fun of I went off my anti-depressant. He knows what buttons to push and its very hard for me not to feed into his drama. He has told my young son at one time (wispering in his ear) that the boggie man was coming to get him and when I confronted him..he would say my kid was lying and actually convincing me he was telling me the truth..he would never do that. He has cheated, been presented with the proof, looked me in the eyes and said it never happened and convince me that the proof I had was wrong/mistake. He has managed to con me out of a lot of my inheritance (charming and convincing ways) and always some excuse why he could not pay the whole thing back. Then tell me later that I do nothing for him and that I'm selfish and self-consumed. There is never a quite moment in our house. He is a heavy drinker so its not uncommon to come home from my job and have to deal with drama from him...he always has a story to tell with drama and his stories usually end with him being the superhero. He is vendictive in a sneaky way. The last job he was fired from he still had a key to the office and later that night after being fired returned to the office and pee'd on everyone's office chair before giving the key to the owner. To this day, they do not know why their chairs were wet. In closing, I want a divorce. I'm a beat dog...I don't know if I'm right or wrong anymore. I do not have the confidence to follow through on my threats and he knows this. How do I slowly exit out of this..I'm exhausted trying to make something work. My spirit is slowly dying.
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• |2012-04-12 16:51:12 cdmarie  - you are worth so much more!!
  Michelle
  
  He has you in a tailspin of confusion. I was with my N for a year and I went through the exact same thing. My therapist explained to me how this is what they do. They break you down and confuse you so you dont know what is right anymore, and you become dependent on them! Run-dont walk from this. He is truly abusive in so many ways.YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE!!! Have you read anything on NPD? I dont know if he has the disorder or just some characteristics of, however reading will empower you. The more you read, the more you understand this whole situation and you begin to get yourself back. My N did the exact same thing with making me feel like a million bucks and it is highly addictive. I was always chasing that feeling; always longing for him to be that way with me again. It is routine for them -- he does this with you, and he will also do it with other women...it is a craft. You have to realize that it is not REAL and TRUE. My therapist also tells me that silence is my best weapon - especially when he is raging. Plan out what you need to do and do it. Try to detach as much as you can and start to look forward to a new life for you and your children. It can only get better from here!!! Best of luck!
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• |2012-04-14 15:03:22 Un-Done  - Run!
  It sounds as though you do not have children with this man, so this is a good thing! Gather up what you absolutely need and get out! Preferably while he is away. Cut your losses, and I promise you being away from him will be your greatest gift. Normal people do not act the way he does and once you are away from his control and start speaking out about his behaviors (don't be shy about it!) you will see the shock and horror on peoples' faces. I'm not saying bad mouth him around town, just talk with your friends and family. Tell them what he has done to you. It really helps to know there are happy, normal couples out there that do things to boost the other, not drag them down to the horrible depths of hell. As I said, take the things you love (before he breaks them as my N did) and money you need and get out. Do not tell him where you live, do not answer his calls or texts. This type of person as you have seen, will promise you the world to get you back. I read on one website that usually their last resort is to try to make you feel pity for them and this is difficult because most (normal) people do feel pity and want to help the N. But they don't mean it...it is one of the many faces they put on to lure you back in. I wish you well. Read all you can about this personality type, gather your strength, and stick close to those that love and know you. Talk to people. And then get away!!
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• |2012-04-16 09:24:45 Becky
  Michelle-
  
  I have been in your shoes somewhat. My ex-husband was a "closet" drinker (would find bottles hidden), drug addict, liar, cheater, bad credit, on his 3rd marriage, thief and a whole host of other things. He would lie and make you think you were the crazy one. I used to tell my brother he could be standing over a dead body with a knife in his hand and tell you "I didn't do it" and make you believe him. He was a sociopath. He also told outlandish stories to make himself look bigger/better. He was lazy to no end. After I had found out he cheated on me, I still hadn't the confidence to leave him or throw him out (the boys were still young yet.) I stayed married to him for 13 years before I finally said I'm done. I hit 40 and told myself I cannot spend another 13 years married to this idiot. He had been on worker's comp., his dr had released him and he still did not get the letter to give to his employer and we could not make it on my income. What actually threw me over the edge was I woke up one morning and there was no bread in the drawer. I thought to myself "this lazy man who lays around the house all day doing nothing can't even go to the dollar store to get an .89 loaf of bread for the kids!" I said "ENOUGH!" I went to see a divorce attorney that day.He drew up a dissolution. When he got the papers in the mail, of course he said he would change and didn't want a divorce. I gave it a shot. A few months later, we had been watching tv. I was eating some tortilla chips. He had the nerve to say "you tramp. you ate 1/2 the bag of tortilla chips!" I knew right then he wasn't going to change....a tiger cannot change it's stripes. We were divorced in April 2009 and it was the best thing I ever did. Unfortunately, I am still tied to him because of the boys. His oldest son does not want anything to do with him because of the way he has treated him. He is 16. I have tried to talk to both about this. He is also already in arrears because he does not want to work, will take short calls on purpose (2 or 3 weeks--he is a union electrician) and goes back on unemployment. By the time I call child support to tell them where he is working and they catch up with it, the checks are cashed. He has also stolen money and items from his kids. The sad thing is his mother had warned me about him before we were married. I saw red flags, but chose to ignore them. I wish I would have paid attention but I also would not have had my two wonderful boys either.
  
  If I were you, I would contact a divorce attorney now even to just see what your options are. You don't have to follow through yet. Tell him/her what has been going on. They should guide you. Also, I would keep up with the counselling if you can. This can help build your self esteem.
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• |2012-04-16 18:02:58 Becky
  Thank you for your comments and advice. I have been reading all the stories posted and each one is so similar to mine its scary....The word socipath is how my counselor defines my husband. It took my breath away the first time she said it. My life was so normal prior to marrying him. The counselor said he will never change and if he does it will be for "the moment". Not knowing the true defination of a sociopath..I left the appointment dazed and confused as to how I could let myself fall for someone like this. For 13 years my life has been filled with turmoil/drinking/lying/stealing/cheating by him and I always seem to forgive him....WHY WHY WHY. Because he MAKE me feel like I'm emblishing and my perception is off. I'm not a stupid women but I'm beginning to wonder why I put up with so much...is it self esteem/co-dependency or just plain old stupidity. I do not know much about N and or sociopath behavior and I'm so glad I found this site. Thank you for your guidance.
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• |2012-04-17 07:35:03 Becky
  Michelle
  
  Actually, I got out of a relationship with a narcissist last December and came across this sight purely by accident. I've been doing so much research on the internet about it. I didn't realize he was an "N" till a psychologist friend defined his actions. I too thought I was crazy. They can fool even the best psych dr's. I know I have self esteem issues. I wish I knew how to tell someone to get away or don't get involved in the first place as I saw red flags, just ignored them. I stayed with this N for a year and put up with his name calling and disappearing act and personality changes till I finally had enough. I still think about him and miss him or what I thought was him in the beginning. I think we also become numb to the behavior as we are so used to it. I know I did with my ex. I was so used to him lying and being lazy I just ignored till I realized my children were seeing this.
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• |2012-04-11 02:32:05 Taz
  Hi Rudra,
  
  What you wrote is so true and written so well- thank you. I left my N 7 months ago and it still hurts and I battle every day to detach from him and get my head around the fact that I love something that isn't real. It's very hard as he still calls me and says that he loves me, always has and will till the day he dies and that now all of a sudden he is contemplating fathering kids as hes seen from friends how it changes people in a good way. We never had kids because he said he didn't want them and couldn't cope as he had "depression" and couldn't give the time needed (he turns really verbally aggresive when he doesnt get his way).I came across (stashed in his car) log in details and passwords for numerous dating sites he had signed up for and I logged in to discover he was using fake names and looking for an affair or long term relationship while saying he was seperated. He made excuses first denial and then that he was just looking for friendship and he blamed me because apparently I wasn't there just for him...that I was too busy running our three business' while he didn't work or help me(instead possibly meeting up with women from dating sites).
  Now he's being very nice to me but I'm guessing it's because he wants half of my business' and house, even though he sold his business for a hefty price without me knowing until two weeks later. I've been left with high debt items that aren't worth much and he still wants money off me and calls me unreasonable and unfair (despite me not asking for anything from the sale of his business and I'm still paying for his car, insurance, gym etc).
  How long will it take me to get my head around all this and shut off completely from him, when will the manipulation stop....it just hurts so much!
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• |2012-04-17 07:53:57 Becky
  Taz
  
  I only read your last post but why are YOU still paying for his stuff? If you are not liable, STOP! One thing a councelor told me years ago is don't take their calls. ANY attention (even negative) they thrive on. They think you want them back. They will wear you down till you take them back. If this man was separated and using fake names on a dating site, what will he do to you. Having children with him would be a HUGE mistake and I think you know this. You will be tied to him for the rest of your life and what kind of father will he be. I was involved with a narcissist for a year and both his kids are messed up. He ignored them growing up and now wants nothing to do with them since they are over the age of 18. The manipulation of an N will NEVER stop unless YOU make it. This is what they do, what their goal is...they don't care about you. It's all about THEM! Cutting all ties is very hard but you have to take your life back. It hurts already and it will hurt cutting ties but it is SO WORTH IT! I still think about my N but it is becoming a passing glance. Any minute a person who hurts us stays in our head is a minute too long.
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• |2012-04-07 14:27:13 CM
  Wow did we know the same man??? The resemblance is eerie.
  
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• |2012-04-07 21:40:32 Un-Done
  There must be a text book these monsters read. We DO know the same people. I'm so grateful I found this site. The words they use, the games they play, it's all the same and very scary.
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• |2012-04-05 22:31:34 Un-done  - @Andrea
  Andrea - know that you are heard and understood. Your "issues", the fact that you should "concede", the creating of reasons you are apologizing for...I understand them all!! Sometimes I would be so tired and lonely from the silent treatment I would BEG for forgiveness for something he did! Knowing all the while I hadn't done a thing. They are cruel monsters with no hearts, no love, no empathy, no love of anything. Just empty shells of human bodies. My father died when I was 24 and I remember once, the meanest thing I could ever say to my monster was "My father would HATE you. He would absolutely HATE what you have done to his little girl." This seemed to get him. How could he show off and act charming to someone that was dead and that was SO VERY important to me? He couldn't. And he knew, even though my father was dead, there's one person you'll never pull the wool over their eyes. I have found my monster to be so afraid of death, of losing control, of not knowing what's waiting for him at the end. At any rate, Andrea, know you've been heard and validated. And again, I'm sorry we've all met the same monster and believed in their faux love.
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• |2012-04-05 20:05:53 andrea  - 21 years of never feeling good enough
  This website helps dignity to rise up and become accountable.
  
  Typically I was in love and loved for the first few years. And saying this I will share
  that the red flags were ignored. I was 32 years old with a two year old beautiful daughter. Not married and living alone in a house with amazing nature surrounding us. I switched from training horses to computer courses. He was the computer teacher and basically I was hand picked. Wow and I loved the attention. We dated for three years and married. I took care of his rental apartment while he travelled for 2 months to China. He was adamant I change my name and my daughters name to his. I did. While in the hospital giving birth to our daughter on the second day he phonned the hospital telling me to come home he couldn't cope. I never fogot that day. And he would wake me up at 6 am and ask me to iron his shirts. If it was not perfect he would hand it back and watch while I re-ironed. It did not matter if I was feeding the baby in the middle of the night his demands were more important. I was raised in an all girls school and was not sure what my place in marriage was.
  He worked his way up the corporate ladder and became CFO. 24 years with the same company and would often remind me that he worked because he had to take care of me. If dinner was not on the table at 6 pm he would take the kids our for dinner and I was not invited. Over 20 years he came home for dinner without arriving once with pizza or just something. Issues were not discussed. They were swept under the rug. I tried many times to get issues resolved and it was brutal. He would demand that "he would have this conversation with me when I agreed with him" He would set up the video camera and film me and then write a letter to me belittling what I said. He would tell me I need to be punished and there would be consequences when I challenged him. He would say I had 5 minutes to discuss issues and would set his watch. Over and over I was responsible for why we had issues. We shared alot in common as we liked the same authors, we skiied, played golf, tenniss, loved nature except it was always how fast he could get to the top of the mountain and down again. I was competitive and could keep up with him. Yet there was no enjoying the view at the top of the moutain, sailing, or walking. His body fat was 12 percent at all times even today at 50 years old. He was incapable of hugging his children but spoiled them with money. Unless they challenged him and if they did the wrath appeared. The wrath was dishes for a month, washing floors for a month rediculousy malicious. His best friend was on welfare, his best best friend worked for a nursing home. He rock climbed and ice climbed all over the world. Not once did I receive a thank-you for being with the children and taking care of the house. I was energetic, loyal and somewhat of a rebel. I loved my husband and loved my daughters. Most important I would not allow anyone to raise my daughters and was not about to leave the marriage. I was always plowing forward trying to improve and fix everything. At the beginning I protected my ideas and ideals but they were slowly being replaced. At the beginning of marriage I believed everyone had a right to be heard, listened to and to be acknowledged. Afer 10 years of marriage I stepped back, quit with the confrontations, with having my own thoughts and words. I was being re-programmed by his demands as I think as he did and my rebellious side switched to compliance.
  
  His narcassitic mother explained to me that I had to act a certain way to be a member of the family. Not one of the aunts or sister-in laws like her. She told the four daughter in laws seperately that she was "intimidating". Unbelievable. She never laughed in the 24 years that I knew her,she dressed and acted like she was the Queen yet had no friends. Her husband came from a well known Canadain family, was corporate yet he was in her horrible clutches. He was smitten with her and today he has parkinsons. Dis ease from this horrible relationship. In 2005 I met this amazing Doctor, in her eighties, I was eating to much soya and my estrogen went from 300 to 3000 and she saved the day. She also taught me to become the rebel again and stand up to my husband. He did not take this lightly.
  I had become weak and narcaciss feed of the weakness. In 2006 he stonewalled me for four months, the longest period in our marriage. When I did not conceid and apologise as I always did for example I would say "I would like to apologise for whatever he wanted to hear" and when he thought it was not sincere enough he would say "leave the room and come back when you are sincere" Most of the time I would have to ask him what I was apologising for. The stonewalling would quit when I apologised. I knew the rules that you don't apologise unless you truthfully mean it but a narcassis has their own rules. So I played by his rules until I met the wonderful doctor who explained how I was compramising my beliefs in myself to keep his peace. I started to challenge his authority and by 2007 he was consistantly ignoring, yelling, leaving and belittling me because I would not yieldto his authority. I hated his arragance, his cold, aloof body language, the way he smelt his food before tasting it even if it was run of the mill food. I had to initiate the intimacy and found myself sleeping in my daughters bedroom while she was at university. He controlled the financials, the travelling the decisions and our time together. Every other decision regarding household, children, social and family were mine. He basically came home for dinner, went to the gym, or played tenniss and rock climbing gym and this was acceptable. In 2009 he started travelling around the world and I was not invited.Previously he would travel for three weeks, fit it one week with me and one week at Christmas with the family. He had five weeks of holidays every year. In 2010 he showed up with his kyack and said he was leaving for good. I had broken into his filing cabinet while he was in Patagonia and copied whatever I could. He drove up the credit line before he left, stacked his credit cards, his insurance, took me to court to kick me out of the house pleading he was poor. He was travelling in Turkey, Israel, Egypt while his lawyer was crying hunger. Narcassist of course are above the law. While I was driving winter tires to my daughter he drove a truck to the house and hand picked everything of value. I am now in a divorce group and talk with men who have left their wives or had been left and it is interesting to see these men helping thier wives to accept their changes. Narcassis move on literally without a thought for the person they sharred 26 years of marriage with. There was not a day this man did not show up for dinner. Today I am living in an apt. in the city realizing I survived an incredible journey. 24 years of literally a non emotional marriage and at times desperately keeping myself grounded while recognising there was a sadness to the point of possible depression while keeping the false pretence that my family needed me and I had to betray who I was while making sure everyone else surived. (I need a Breth of air.) Today my youngest daughter is still looking for her father to love her while the oldest was spoiled to the core because she grandilized her father rather than challenging him as the youngest did. There was little emotion in our home thus my girls grew up never getting to know each other. No yelling, little laughter so how do you get to know somone. They are six years apart but emotions are how we get to know one another. Oh I do know everything about my husband. His dreams, his favorite food, colors, future goals. Narcassist love to share.
  Epilogue
  I wish I would have left two years after my second daughte was born. The day he asked me to leave the room because I had to much emotion I should have taken this very seriously. When he told my to go to my room that I had my period. The day he took a picture of my daughter when she was crying to show her how horrible emotions were. I ignored me, I ignored that I had to love myself or I would create a future of ???. Over twenty years of asking for love and not receiving it is a bitter pill to swallow. I realise I have blessings from this marriage with my daughters and life experiences but nothing beats love and being love. Nothing.
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• |2012-04-04 23:47:01 Un-done  - The Monster
  I have been with my monster for seven years. I thought we had hit rock bottom many times, or should I say, I had hit rock bottom, but it was just this past weekend that finished it for me. I have been put somewhat at ease finding these sites about NPD. I've looked at bi-polar personality traits and other things, but the more I search NPD the more confirmation I receive that this is the person I have been dating. I have been made to feel I was insane, been made to feel less that zero, taken on the crazy conversation train that circles and circles and never gets to the point, thought of suicide, had my personal items broken in front of me, been kicked out of our home, begged for his forgiveness, and then gone back to the whole vicious cycle. After all...he said he loved me! He claimed I was his best friend. These vampires know nothing about love. And, well, I guess I don't know too much either. Perhaps to many of you my last weekend won't sound like too big of a deal, but for me, although it wasn't the worst thing he has ever done, it was the final. He is better off financially than I am. Although I am not "poor" he makes well over what I make. My good old dependable car that has served me well for 12 years was on its last leg and his mother was buying a new car right about the same time. She gifted her old car to him, which in turn, he "gave" to me. I'm crying typing this. It was only 2 weeks ago. I was thrilled to have a car where the window would roll down and the interior lights worked. Such small things! To make a long story short, last week he got mad at me because his driving was making me nervous. I didn't shout it out or give directions - I just hit my imaginary break pedal and looked over my shoulder as he was changing lanes. HE FLIPPED! I was telling him he was a bad driver! I didn't trust him! I could get out and walk if I didn't like his driving! He took me home, made me get out and started with the silent treatment. I received a text two hours later that I was to put the car keys in my mailbox so he could pick them up. He took the stupid car back. Fine! But all the while knowing mine wasn't starting anymore. So for a week now, I've been riding the bus to work. I'll think briefly of some errand I need to run, and then remember I can't. He's a monster. A cruel, mean, monster. And yesterday when I realized I needed to run to the store and couldn't, it put me in a state of complete anger. I can't forgive this time. I wish all of us well. I hope we are all able to move on. And I'm sorry we've experienced these devils incarnate.
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• |2012-03-26 20:43:57 John  - It happens in gay relationships, too.
  I'm an older gay man and I had three relationships and all three parnters have died of AIDS. Luckily, I'm still HIV-.
  
  When I met my narcissist, I wasn't looking for him. And frankly, in the gay community, some narcissism is a given. We met and he persued the raltionship. I was unexpectedly enthused about this guy. He was ruggledly handsome, much more financially well off than I, and we just had a good time together He introduced me to many of his friends. And it turned out that my prevous neighbors had been friends his for twenty years. They did warn me that he gets close to people and then ends the relationship I didn't understand why.
  
  After a month he was suggesting to me that we both sell our homes and buy or build one with him. That seemed a little quick from me.
  
  For the first few months, everything was perfect. The, suddenly, the sex stopped. I also realized that I had never been to his home or to his farm. He always came to my house. And he rarely drove. Instead, he had this couple drop him off and pick him up. And he owned a huge black Hummer. Why wasn't he driving it. Then he would start these controversial politicial discussions, say that I was arguing and telephone this couple to pick him up. I didn't consider it an argument at all. It seemed so trivial.
  
  Then, the verbal abuse began. And little by little it increased. I couldn't understand what I had done to deserve the abuse. I just knew that I had this queezy feeling in my stomach when it occurred and I realized that I was in danger of losing someone I had never felt so stongly about. Finally, on a Cristmas Day the abuse had starte again. It occurreed because I had ironed a pair of lounge pants that I had bought for him.
  
  The outrage was much greater than any offense that I could make. After 45 minuters of bitching, I told him to put the damn things on and get over it. That didn't sit well with him.
  
  The next day I realized that this wan't right and I called him to request that he come pick up his Christmas gifts that he had brought me becuase I couldn't accept them because the retionship was ended. I did not deserve the abuse.
  
  After a few months, I had discoved that he had a parrallel realionship with a HIV- man going on at the same time. And he had been cheating on me the entire time with other guys, too.
  
  Oh yes. When we met, he was in nuring school. He said that he was graudating with his R.N.degree. I found out he did graduate and took his boards. But, he was not an R.N. He was an L.P.N.
  
  I also leaned that he wasn't driving because he didn't have an operators license for some reason. Although, he drove sometimes. He said that it was because he was waiting on his birth certificate. He had the documents to get a state identifiatoin card, so he could have renewed his license.
  
  Like one of you other reader wrote, I'm grieving the loss of someone I really cared about. But, I don't know who they really are. That makes it difficult to let go because I don't know of whom I'm letting go. It through me into a significant depression towhich I'm already predisposed. And it impacted me much more than one would expect it should. It's like he ripped out my self-esteem. He difinitley injured my sense fo security and confidence.
  
  I finally got some prfessional help and I was told that he had all the traits of a narcissist and they thought that I was experiencing PTSD. I thought that diagnosis was a little over the top. I also saw a psychiatrist who gave me the same diagnosis.
  
  All that I can say is that this person is exteemely charming and yet dangerous. He's gone and hasn't been back. But, I miss him. Isn't that sick?
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• |2012-04-02 04:14:12 ChrisAustin  - Still recovering from my experience too!
  Hi John,
  
  I know exactly how you're feeling, had a 1 1/2 year relationship with a Narc and I just found out about it after he ended with me to date the ex- boyfriend of one of his friends who had just ended the relationship. The guys was already living with him. During the relationship I started to notic some very bizarre behavior, some stuff just didn't add up, he constantly reinvented the past, fabricating facts and making stuff up. He was checking my emails,text messages on my phone, try to steal my Facebook email, etc... The guy is a pain management doctor and on the board of some Aids organizations, very respectful profile, but between four walls he is a monster. All his past bf were evil according to him, the longest relationship he had, a 5 year relationship, the poor guy ran away while the narc was traveling - I always though that it was a very mean thing to do, but now I completely understand his reasons - he wanted to survive!
  But things get better, there is a reason why narcs get in our lives - to show us some stuff we need to work on, the Narcs breaks some illusions, and from devastaded land that they create, we can start a new garden that wil
  Attract the righ kind of butterflies and not a plague of locusts.
  Be strong and do not get back - although you can and will change - they do not have the tools to do so.
  Big hugs
  
  Chris
  
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• |2012-03-20 17:35:54 Cathy  - onward
  i write this while checking the county court docket to see if my (soon-to-be) ex-husband will be convicted of felonious assault for beating up his current girlfriend's boyfriend. we have been in the process of getting divorced for 18 months. we have one child together and we both had others from first marriages. it wasn't until about a year ago when i realized what i was dealing with.
  
  i could not understand how i had been the love of this life, the woman he had to have and spend his life with forever--the 50 year plan. When i agreed to marry him, he had gone around to all my family and friends saying how he would take care of me and my children, how he loved us and his intentions were good. we all believed him, we all thought he was the greatest guy. So handsome, so strong, so loving.
  
  but then suddenly he hated me, he was emotionally abusive to my children, he was remote-distant-angry-mean-controlling and yet would do nothing to improve how unhappy he was. i spent a year trying to get our marriage back on track. when i had packed all his stuff and insisted he move out 18 months ago, he was on match.com the next day. the next day! i was bewildered and shocked. the disrespect, the irrationality--who was this person?!?! now i know what he was. what he is.
  
  and the lying lying lying lying that i now know was going on! i was so niave! i continue to learn about more lies, including the most recent that he was "out of town on business" and missed his parenting time with our daughter last week and instead was out drinking at a bar on a weeknight--in town--with his on/off/on/off too young for him girlfriend which has led us all to today--waiting to hear what his fate is.
  
  i am an upstanding citizen, i have a full time job, i am on boards in my community, i owned a home (which he borrowed against and now i have lost) he has/had a good job. he was fighting with me for a year refusing to pay child support insisting on equal custody, spouting abusive and extremely hurtful words at me, trying to control our divorce. now i have to figure out how to live with him in my life as my daughter's father with my other children who hate him. they hate their sister's father, the man they lived with for 7 years! how awful is that? every piece of advice is run, run away. i can't run away. he may be in jail (jail!?!? this is a 50 year old man, with a good job, three kids, in an affluent suburb, 2 ex wives...). will this be a wake up call for him about the state of his life? it was wake up call for me. i am beyond sad, beyond comprehending how a person could live like this. how did he get this way? is there any hope for him? is there any hope he could have any semblance of a decent life? the agony he must be in, i cannot imagine. he probably doesnt realize he is in agony--but i think he does. he certainly has moments of clarity, when he is remorseful for the nightmare he caused me and my family (i havent written the half of it). this was a man who had nightmares, waking up sweating, yelling in his sleep, fighting in his sleep. how awful.
  
  all we can do is continue to live our lives and be happy and know that we deserve to be loved and we are loveable. a friend who knew him in his first marriage, when i told her of our impending divorce and his antics, she said "he is so ugly". that has stuck with me, it is an ugly, debilitating state to live in. we dont have to have that ugliness invade our lives. we have the power to have beauty and love in our lives.
  
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