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Dear Maria,
I am drowning, going crazy, there is more to this that just normal end of a relationship. The more he hurts me the more I feel the need to explain things to him, to make him understand.
He left me two months ago, or rather I should say he said that we should end this relationship. That happened after 1 year and a half of struggle. He has always forced his will and his wishes were the only ones that counted. I quit my job, moved into a rural area. Then as per his wish, we moved into another country. He isolated me from my family and friends, and made me do all the physical labor in our business (he said he was good in marketing so needs to concentrate on that and can't do the other work). Whenever I said something about the situation not working for me or being hard on me (missing my daughter and my grandkids) HE SAID NOTHING OR said that there is no other way, he is happy the way things are and he will not change anything.
Then the business started bringing more revenue and he hired poor people to work for him. They were very happy to have a job and now I realize that he found his new narcissistic supply, they truly admired him and also exaggerated the admiration to get more money, they knew how to play him.
Shortly after that- summer 2009- he changed towards me, became distant and angry. I asked why he is like that, he said this relationship does not work for him anymore. He said he does not know if he wants to be in this relationship. And my hell started. Instead of letting go I tried all I could to change myself to please him, but he has not been changing. I became depressed and suicidal at some point, extremely codependent (I went through codependent crazies) and I have been extremely jealous, I have been suspecting that he has something going on with the woman employee. He has been cruel, said things like "I like her very much and no, there is nothing between us now but who knows maybe in a year it will be different".
Still, I have not left. I do not understand why!!! It is like some force was holding me in this misery of a life. I have been thinking that if I leave I would feel better. I came back to my daughter's for her birthday while he stayed in Mexico (that is where the business is). Initially I felt better, then I started going crazy again. That was November of last year. He was supposed to come within 2 weeks, he did not, he stopped writing or calling and I was begging him to call. I have used all tricks, including telling him I have been in a hospital because of heart problems and finally he came.
He was even more distant. I was truly believing he started a new relationship. When I asked he said "do not ask, I would not have told you if I did".
I tried to make this work for about 4 weeks, he was there in body, if I did not say anything we could have a nice relationship just like roommates. He has not been intimate with me for a very long time (6 months) and before only sporadically. I missed him, intimacy, closeness, I was jealous, I was sad and depressed. We went together to our country (in Europe) for Mew Years and here he said that he needs time to think if he wants to be with me.
So I came to my Mom's place and he stayed in his city. He was going crazy, inviting friends to restaurants, renting hotels, playing rich and successful. I know that because I have spoken to his friends, they know me and like me. I explained the situation to them.
In the beginning again I felt better - no more cold shoulder from him, no more looking at him checking e-mails on his password protected computer. He sent me a few funny pictures, I responded thank you. Then all this stopped. I asked if he knows now whether he wants to be with me and he responded that now he is happy and for the time being he does not want to be with me. And he left for Mexico.
He is there now. I am left without anything. He is sending very little money, everything is his: business, house in North America, money in the banks. We have never been married. I will go back to North America, I have to get a job, I am scared, depressed and out of my mind. We have been together for 20 years, I have worked very hard to have what he has now. He has been very smart. I have been very stupid.
But the material things don't hurt. The emotional pain is worse. I too, discovered he is a narcissist after he left, I too, would prefer to stay be with him even though I could not tolerate his behavior. I am writing to him begging to take me back, telling him not to destroy our life and what we created. He ignores my letters or says no, he will not come back. He also does not show any signs that he wants to legally divide our assets. He says he will give me half but he needs to finish the house and sell or maybe he will keep it and pay me off.
I just need to make a decision in my head to stay away from him no matter what. The abuse was so long (my father alcoholic, first husband abusive alcoholic) that I am not able to make any decisions. I am lost, in my forties but feeling like 5 year old.
Life is somewhere but I do not live I just exist to beg him to take me back. I went to therapy, here, it did not help, I go to Alanon and ACA meetings, they help but only for a while.
I need to stop the obsessive thinking and plotting how to get him back. The therapist said I am on a verge of breakdown. I am thinking about going to Mexico and finding him and asking him again.
Why am I like that? What is keeping me in this misery?
Please help if you can.
___________
The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
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Dear Friend,
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry to hear what you have been going through. I know the pain you are feeling, I have felt it myself when I was in a relationship with a narcissistic person. Please trust me when I say this: You WILL get over this. I have been where you are right now and I have survived. You will survive too. Never doubt that. To read more about how to recover after ending an abusive relationship, please see section Narcissism.
You wrote: "The more he hurts me the more I feel the need to explain things to him, to make him understand."
 I know exactly what you mean when you say you felt the need to make him see that he has misunderstood you. Unfortunately it is very difficult to get through to a narcissistic person in this kind of a situation. It is also important to be aware that if he hurts you like this, he does not truly love you. Furthermore, if he does not listen to your explanations, he does not truly want to mend things and help the relationship to survive. If he would, he would listen to you instead of hurting you.
Ask yourself how you would behave if you were together with someone who you love and despite the problems you wanted to make things work. You would not behave in a way that would chase your partner further away from you. I am saying this to help you to see that the feeling this person has towards you is very different from the feeling you have towards him. It is possible that he is not capable of having a normal respectful relationship with anyone.
You wrote: "Whenever I said something about the situation not working for me or being hard on me (missing my daughter and my grandkids) HE SAID NOTHING OR said that there is no other way, he is happy the way things are and he will not change anything."
Dear Friend, please look at what you wrote carefully. You wrote "he said he is happy". This small sentence summarizes the core of the problem with a narcissistic person. He does not seem to care about how you are feeling. This is typical for people who have an impaired ability to experience empathy. For him, it is all about him and how he feels. If you love someone, the feelings of that person are very important to you. It seems that this man is not capable of taking your feelings into account.
You wrote: "He changed towards me, became distant and angry. I asked why he is like that, he said this relationship does not work for him anymore."
Again it is all about him. He said the relationship does not work for HIM anymore. As if you are something that has been self evident to him, and whenever he feels he has had enough, he simply walks away, without looking back. If there is caring and respect in a relationship, in this kind of a situation a couple would together try to work on the problem and see if the relationship can be saved. If it seems that nothing can be done to salvage the situation, of course it is the right thing to do to end the relationship. However, after being together for several decades it is careless, thoughtless and cruel to say "this no longer works for me, goodbye", without even trying to understand what caused the problems, especially when one knows how painful the separation will be to the other partner.
You wrote: "I have been suspecting that he has something going on with the woman employee. He has been cruel, said things like "I like her very much and no, there is nothing between us now but who knows maybe in a year it will be different".
This comment from him was incredibly cold and cruel. He knew how much you love him and care for him. It was clear to him how much that kind of a comment would hurt you and yet he said it. This supports the assumption that this person is incapable of empathy.
You wrote: "He was even more distant. I was truly believing he started a new relationship. When I asked he said "do not ask, I would not have told you if I did".
The way he speaks to you shows he has no respect toward you. This is not the way to talk to someone with whom you have shared 20 years of your life. This comment is very cruel and insensitive. It also sounds like he has something to hide. If he did not have anything going on, there would be no need for him to talk this way.
You also said he no longer wanted to be intimate with you. This is one common sign of an affair (however it is not a "proof" of an affair). Even if he was not hiding anything, it is very cruel to talk to you this way. Why would he want to hurt you like this with his words if nothing was going on behind your back? He knew this kind of talk from him would make you even more suspicious. Why would he want that and all the trouble it would bring him, if nothing was going on?
You wrote: "I asked if he knows now whether he wants to be with me and he responded that now he is happy and for the time being he does not want to be with me."
 For him, this really is all about him and his happiness. I am sure you have told him how bad you feel about his behavior. He does not seem to be able to take your feelings into account. It also seems clear that he does not have the desire to be together with you. But even in that kind of a situation he should have had more respect for you than he now has shown. The way he has been treating you is very cold and rude.
You wrote: "I am left without anything. He is sending very little money, everything is his: business, house in North America, money in the banks. We have never been married. I will go back to North America, I have to get a job, I am scared, depressed and out of my mind. We have been together for 20 years, I have worked very hard to have what he has now. He has been very smart. I have been very stupid."
Dear Friend, I became so angry on your behalf while reading this part of your letter! First of all I want to make this very clear: You have NOT been stupid, you have been trusting and loving. There is nothing wrong with that. Someone might think that it would have been wise to secure your assets instead of allowing him to have the official ownership of everything, but how could you have known that the person you love and who you thought loved you back could treat you this badly?
No one can blame you for trusting that this person would treat you fairly, even if you one day would separate. If we cannot trust to the one we love, who can we trust? It turned out that this person was not worthy of your love and your trust, however it is better to maintain a good faith in people instead of becoming bitter and suspicious towards everyone. You trusted him and he let your down. That shows the way his personality is.
You wrote: "I need to stop the obsessive thinking and plotting how to get him back. The therapist said I am on a verge of breakdown."
Dear Friend, you are dedicating all your time for this, that is why it is consuming you. You need to direct your attention elsewhere at list for part of the day. To find out how to get started in this, I recommend you to read this article of Training the Brain.
You wrote: "I am thinking about going to Mexico and finding him and asking him again."
Dear Friend, I strongly advise you against doing this. If you go to see him against his will, it will make your situation worse. If he does not wish to see you and you show up unexpectedly, he will most likely react very badly, leaving you with yet another unpleasant memory. It is not worth it. Furthermore, you will feel worse when you think you have invested financially for the journey only to face rejection.
You wrote: "Why am I like that? What is keeping me in this misery?"
Dear Friend, there are many reasons that are currently preventing you from letting go emotionally. You spent 20 years together with this man.That is a very long time. He has been part of your life most of your adult years. When you are now thinking of life without him, you are feeling as if you have lost a blood relative, as you in a way have. Separation after spending decades together is like facing a small death.
 It will help you when you know what is causing your painful emotions. You are right now experiencing strong emotional withdrawal symptoms. If you did not feel the pain you are now feeling there would be something wrong with you. It is not possible to separate from someone who you have loved for 20 years without feeling pain.
On the other hand, it seems like your ex partner is not feeling the same way about the separation. Based on everything you have said in your letter, it is very likely that he has been having a romantic relationship with someone else. If that is true, it explains why it seems to be so easy for him to deal with the separation. Of course it is not possible to know with certainty if he has or had another relationship. I do not recommend you to spend time on speculating on that matter since there is no way to know for sure. In the end of the day, from your point of view it does not matter if he had another relationship or not. Even if he did not have one, the way he has been behaving toward you is still unacceptable.
You mentioned co-dependency in your letter. This is one reason for the severity of your withdrawal symptoms. It is good that you are aware of what is causing the painful feelings in you. Right now you need to be patient. You need to trust that this painful feeling will eventually disappear. It will not happen overnight, however if you observe your feelings you will notice a decrease in the intensity of the pain after some time has passed. Remember that if you did not feel the pain, there would be something wrong with you.
I recommend that in addition to reading article Training the Brain you will familiarize yourself with my other support website that is dealing with depression caused by problems in a relationship: www.brain-depression.com. It is important that you do not get stuck in this painful phase. The more you understand of what is causing your pain, the better you can help yourself to heal.
You have already taken a huge step towards recovery by writing to me. When you did that, you were forced to analyze your situation and process your emotions. You are on the way toward recovery. Trust me, you WILL get there. Please write to me whenever you wish. I will be here for you. You are not alone.
To read more about these topics, please see section Narcissism.
Warm hug,
Maria
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
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