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Hi Maria!
I read your articles online and I really like what you have to say. I am at the point where I absolutely know that I need to stay away. The problem is that knowing it is not enough. I am still reaching out to him trying to see what was real and what wasn’t. The very funny part is that I know better. Nobody can tell me that staying with him is the right thing to do yet that is what I keep fighting for.
Your article about the addiction really made sense. I think for me that I just don’t have the support needed. My family and friends just think I’ve gone off the deep end with all that I have taken and still wanting to be with him. I joined an online support group the last time we broke up but it just got to the point where it was the same old thing over and over again and I needed to get away from the negative .
I started keeping a journal after a couple of months because I knew something was off. I did learn fairly early on that he was a Narcissist but I keep learning every day about the whys of the things he does. I think that helps to have the knowledge but right now for me, I can’t get motivated to do what I know I should be doing.
I would appreciate any books that you suggest or any ideas. Thanks for your great articles online.
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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
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Dear Friend,
Thank you for your email and for your positive comments regarding my website and articles. I really appreciate positive feedback from my readers, it gives me energy to keep doing this work. I wish to use this opportunity to thank all those people who have sent me emails and thanked me for creating this website, your feedback is very much appreciated! I am sorry that I am not always able to respond to everyone in person due to large amount of emails I receive, but I do read all emails and your positive comments always make me feel so good, thank you! I will do my best to respond to as many of you as I can personally.
Dear Friend, I know exactly how you are feeling because I have been in a similar situation. I was in a relationship with a narcissistic person and I knew I had to leave, but I did not have the strength. I was struggling for a long time trying to make the relationship work, but eventually I had to admit to myself that if I remained in that relationship, my life would be ruined.
 The emotional abuse that I experienced affected my life in various negative ways. I could not concentrate on my work, my friends and relatives told me I no longer smiled as often as before (or hardly ever, to tell the truth). I found it hard to find joy in things I used to enjoy, I felt depressed and unhappy most of the time. My physical condition started to deteriorate since I had no energy to take care of myself. I slept too little and was not eating enough.
All these things are signs of depression. Everyone around me could see that my negative relationship was ruining me, and yet I was hanging on to it as a drowning person grasps on a straw. Until one day I realized that if I did not break the negative cycle, I might end up becoming very severely depressed, up to the point that I would fail in my work and might even lose it. That was when I made the decision to leave. It was not an easy thing to do. This is why I said earlier that I understand exactly how you are feeling at this time.
Based on your email it sounds like you are in a similar situation as I was. You know that you need to leave, but you find it so very hard to do. You are not alone with this feeling. Most people who visit my website are feeling the same way. It is a good thing that you are keeping a journal. It helps you to see the progress of your situation and helps you to understand that things are not changing for the better unless you take matters into your own hands. I recommend you to visit this page to read about the methods that can be used to improve one's mood: Training the Brain.
It helped me to break free when I learned to detach myself emotionally from the situation and look at the things as an outsider. Emotional addiction to our partner is keeping us in negative relationships. When we try to break free, we feel similar withdrawal symptoms as drug addicts are feeling when they are suddenly denied the access to drugs. When we return to our narcissistic or abusive partner, we feel momentarily better, as drug addicts feel when they are given a single dose of drugs while in the middle of the pain caused by the withdrawal symptoms. However, the relief does not last long and soon we are again feeling miserable in our relationship, we attempt to leave, we experience again withdrawal symptoms and return to our abusive or narcissist spouse and this negative cycle continues until we either finally find the strength to leave or we become severely depressed.
A narcissist or an abuser can very rarely change his or her behavior (although sometimes this can happen). If you have tried to make your relationship work for a long time and there has been no clear progress, I strongly recommend you to leave. I know exactly how difficult that can be. You asked for some tips regarding how to break free. It helps when you know the true source of your negative feelings. During my recovery period I wrote a book about this topic, aiming to help others who are going through similar painful period. I believe reading about the experiences of others who have been in a similar situation and who have been able to leave can help one to break free from a toxic relationship and to recover faster. To read more about the book, visit page Healing after Cheating and Narcissism.
I also recommend you to read these two articles (if you have not done so already): Controlling Emotions and Getting Rid of the Emotional Pain - Training the Brain.
If you have not already visited my other support websites, I recommend you to do so. I believe articles that I have published on these websites will be helpful for you in your situation. I wish from all my heart that you are able to break free! Please write to me anytime you wish. You are not alone!
Here are links to my other support websites:
www.brain-depression.com
www.peertopeersupport.com
I especially recommend you to read the following articles:
Mental and Physical Abuse in a Relationship and the Development of Depression
Learning to Control Your Feelings Helps to Overcome Depression
Warm hug,
Maria
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
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