Thank you for your email. I am sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like you are married to a person who indeed has some behavioral issues. It is clear from your story that you have loved your wife dearly and probably still love her, regardless of the way she has behaved. If you did not care for your wife, you would most likely not have felt the need to write to me, you would have just ignored your wife and moved on with your life. I know how difficult it is to think about divorcing someone we have loved very much even when we know the separation would be for the best.

You wrote: "She goes to the counselor the day before our joint appointment and tells the counselor who knows what and says the counselor will not see me because I am an abuser". I strongly believe your wife made this story up. Did you check her story by calling to this particular counselor? This is not the way counselors usually behave.

People who have no problems in their marriage usually do not go to see a counselor. Marital counselors are professionals who are specialized in dealing with people who have problems in their marriage. They are dealing on daily basis with abusers and victims of abuse. The best possible outcome of marital counseling is that the abuser realizes he or she has a problem and decides to start to work on the problem. How could this be possible if a counselor would refuse seeing a couple simply because one of them is an abuser (Obs! I am NOT saying you are an abuser)? If counselors would refuse to see people who have narcissistic or abusive tendencies most counselors in this world would be out of job.

I just wanted to make sure that you understand that most likely what your wife said about the reaction of the counselor is not true (unless your wife made up some story that you have seriously assaulted her and the seriousness of the incident requires the attention of police instead of a counselor. If this is what your wife did, her problems are quite severe).

You said you went to see a counselor several times before together with your wife. You wrote: "After about three sessions and finding out our dynamic the counselor usually starts to see her issues and we begin to focus on them and then she seems to be too busy to go anymore or the counselor was incompetent". Several different counselors have seen that the behavior of your wife is the main source of the problems in your marriage. Based on this you can feel quite certain that you are not to blame of the situation. If you end up getting a divorce, this knowledge will help you to recover. It helps to know that there was nothing you could have done to save your marriage. You cannot change the behavior of your wife against her will, and it seems your wife in incapable of seeing any flaws in herself.

Inability to accept and deal with criticism is one typical sign of narcissism. You also said your wife is not very warm person, that she has never shown you much (if any) affection and that she also treated your friends disrespectfully. Your wife seems to be quite self-centered person. She also seems to be unable to experience empathy, another typical trait in many narcissistic people. If we care for someone we often do our best to behave in such a way that we do not cause sadness to that person, even if we do not always agree on everything with him or her. Even if we do not like the family of our spouse, we usually do not wish to (constantly) hurt the feelings of our spouse by treating his or her family disrespectfully.

You also wrote:

She would be terrible to me about 60% of the time and I would eventually become angry for her trying to control or manipulate me and I would have an angry outburst.  Even going to the point of pushing her.  I would immediately feel extreme guilty for this and know it is wrong.  I am guilty of losing my temper and feel awful about it.

I can understand that one can become extremely irritated while being constantly treated badly. I am very glad you wrote that you understand it is never right to physically attack (or even push) another human being. The fact that you feel guilty about doing this shows that you are not a cold person. Based on your story it also seems that you understand that this kind of a situation cannot continue. If you were to remain married to this woman and if she does not change her behavior, most likely you both would end up living a very unhappy life. Dear Friend, I do not wish that for you. It seems that your wife is unable to accept the help of a counselor. This is unfortunate, for I strongly believe that is the only way your marriage can be salvaged. It seems clear that the situation is not going to change unless you both actively work on problems, and so far your wife has not shown that she could do this.

You said that when you agreed to divorce, your wife immediately changed her mind and wanted to remain married. It sounds like your wife in a way "panicked" when she felt she was losing her control (you did not come to her begging that she would change her mind, but instead you agreed to get a divorce).

It is not possible to know if your wife is a full blown narcissist without knowing her personally, however it seems she has issues that are clearly interfering with your family life and your marriage. The exact "diagnosis" is not important, the most important thing is that your wife's behavior is making you unhappy and she does not seem to be able to change. Based on your story it sounds like the divorce is the best solution.

You asked how to deal with a person like your wife if you end up having a divorce. It is very difficult to deal with someone who is incapable of feeling empathy. If your wife wishes to remain married but you insist on getting a divorce (because you can no longer tolerate her behavior) there is a danger that your wife will become very vengeful. Some points you made in your story already suggest that she is a quite vengeful person: You wrote that she would not forgive those who disagree with her and she was able not to speak to you for a week in a row if she felt mistreated by you. You need to plan in advance how you will behave if she tries to cause you trouble.

If your wife indeed becomes vengeful, she will most likely try to make you miserable by trying to separate you from your children by reducing your visitation rights to minimum or even to zero. If she does this, you need to be prepared. I recommend you to go to talk to a lawyer to find out where exactly you stand. I also recommend you to call the counselor who your wife went to see alone and to ask the counselor if he or she truly refused to see you or not. If you end up in a legal battle regarding the visitation rights, this information could be useful.

If you end up having a divorce, of course the ideal situation would be that you are able to maintain a relatively good relationship with your wife, for the sake of the well-being of your children. In order to achieve this, try to avoid behaving in a way that could make your wife feel the need to be more vengeful. If she tries to irritate you, do not get into argument with her but instead try to be civil. Do not ignore her either, for ignorance can be extremely irritating to a narcissistic person. Try to be as neutral as possible.

Dear Friend, stay strong! Your situation is not an easy one, but trust me, you WILL get through this! The most important thing is not to let this situation continue as it is. You need to consider all the aspects and then decide if it is worth it to try to continue the marriage. If your wife does not agree to seek help together with you, it is not very likely that she will change her behavior in the future. This is something you need to take into account while you make your decision regarding your future.

• |2012-01-26 03:41:54 joe in texas  - Recent Post Divorce with ex-wife narcissist with 1
  Hi- Thank u for this outlet. I just divorced a narcissist after 24 years together. 3 affairs she had. One with my #1 customer and 1 with the best man in our wedding.
  1 child 15yr old beautiful, smart, female.
  Custody is 50/50 (friday to friday)
  I moved into apartment. we are still co-owning the house to keep daughter in the only house she has ever lived in.....
  
  Struggling with wife's brutal narcissistic traits now being inflicting on my 15 yr old daughter..
  1. We cannot communicate on the phone, or in person for 10 seconds before she essays about her life, pain, tiredness, etc...Then any real topic that does comes up is treated as an attack on her (for example.. I paid &% for the dentist, she legally owes me 50% of that). Instead of discussing normally, she will rant about her problems and past issues that have been resolved already. I have resorted to email communication exclusively with a txt here and there for urgent matters.
  2. She refuses to take daughter to target, mall, grocery store, nail salon, as she is "too tired". Daughter calls/ txt's me for those rides/ needs while ex has custody...I feel those "no i can't take you" replies are felt as a reject in my daughters head. So much rejection
  3. Every weekend (so far 5 weekends since divorce) that daughter is with me, wife has men (variety) sleep over at the house (we co-own for daughter reasons) and daughter not allowed to some by & pick up missing items she needs. More rejection.
  4. Our new apartment is really a comfort zone for my daughter but is really lonely for me when daughter not here.
  
  I guess I want to ask you for advice on what type of therapist can I talk to to help me help my daughter, who still loves her mom, but I see and feel her rejection are hurting her...
  
  My number is 713-443-4995 Thank you!!! Joe
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