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Hi Maria,
This is is a follow up to the letter I wrote back in June. I tried to stay away as advised but found myself feeling like this man should get one more chance to make things right. He told me that the wife was gone and he had filed for a divorce. Well... I made a surprise visit again in September and I saw the wife outside taking a smoke! We had a few minutes to talk and I apologized for the situation, letting her know that when I met her husband he not only said he was single, but he said he had never been married before in his life!
I let this man into every aspect of my life. He even sat in on my appointments with my oncologist and told her he would be there to support me through chemotherapy after I had the baby. That's when she rolled her eyes and said, "Never been married?! I'm his SECOND WIFE! Of course I was stunned, once again. He was supposed to be "at work" and I found out that he doesn't even have a second job. He has been going back to the house 2 to 3 days a week, where his wife was living.
When he stepped out on the balcony and saw us talking he came out. What followed was his usual aggression and verbal abuse, he even took my cell phone and refused to give it back unless I did what he said. A nearby neighbor helped me escape the situation. I later filed a police report and got an emergency order of protection. So THEN I decided stay away from him for good. No contact.
There has been no contact since that very day. I am trying to move on with my life without the emotional abuse, bullying and constant manipulation. Even my children's lives have been changed. They had to leave their friends and school behind due to us having to be uprooted to avoid his stalking.
So now he has the nerve to send me this message when there were a million excuses for not meeting his family before. How can a person be so cold and think that the way he treated me does not matter? I was still pregnant when all these shenanigans started, which put me into pre-term labor.
I tried to give him the opportunity but he would use it to threaten me by saying, " I am going to be in my baby's life one way or the other and not just some every other weekend visitation". That's the only semi-reasonable plan, being that this man is still married and at times sounded like he wanted to take my baby. I turned down several houses and did not renew my lease because he said WE needed more space, and the whole time he knew he was not capable of being a family with me and the children and he was still tied to someone else.
I've spent ALL my savings just trying to relocate and and find a place to live before the baby was due. I did not want to be living in a shelter when she was born. I don't think he needs to see the baby until she's old enough to even understand who he is. For that matter I don't even know who he really is. He lied to me from day 1!
What should I do?
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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
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Dear Friend,
Thank you for your email, I am glad to hear from you. I understand why you felt you wanted to give your ex another chance, please do not blame yourself for not being able to stay away. He is after all the father of your child, everyone can understand that it is not easy for you to walk away from him. I can understand the pain you felt when you found out about his betrayal and lies regarding his marriage and his wife. It never ceases to amaze me how some people are able to treat others this way, to lie and live a total double life and not see anything wrong in their own actions, instead when they are caught they get angry and start accusing others around them. It is hard to get over an emotional trauma caused by being involved with a person like this. To read about emotional wounds and tools that can be used to help one get over emotional pain, visit page Ways to Overcome Emotional Pain - Mental Tools and page Controlling Negative Emotions.
The way this man treated you and his wife is totally unacceptable. He seems to have no conscience nor respect for people around him. I am glad to hear you have been able to stay strong and have stayed away from him after this last incident. I know how hurt you have felt due to his actions, but trust me: Your bad feeling will not last for the rest of your life. It will take some time but eventually you are able to see this man as he is: A pathetic dishonest person, who's life is most likely never going to be very happy, because he keeps repeating same mistakes over and over again. No woman can fully trust a person like him, and trust is the basis of a balanced, happy relationship. It is very likely that this man is never going to have that kind of a relationship in his life due to his dishonest and abusive personality.
 I understand how distressing it can be to receive a message from your your ex after you have just started to recover emotionally from all the lies and abuse. In the message (not published) your ex boyfriend said he wishes to see his child. I understand well why you do not wish to see your ex or let him see your child until the child is old enough to understand who this man is.
On the other hand I understand that your ex boyfriend feels strong urge to meet his child, especially because this is his first child. He is most likely also feeling pressure from his family's part, they must be exited to see his first child as well. This is a very difficult situation for you, as you need to find a way to reach a mutual agreement regarding the future relationship between your ex boyfriend and your child.
Dear Friend, I do understand you do not wish to have anything to do with your ex boyfriend after all his lies and abuse. But because he is the father of your child, you cannot prevent him from seeing the child in the future if he wishes to do so. It will take a huge amount of your energy and might prevent you from moving on with your life if you are trying to prevent your ex boyfriend from seeing his child. In a long run it is also better for the child to know who her father is, even though your ex boyfriend is not exactly the best role model for a parent.
The best thing you can do now is to make a clear plan for the future regarding the presence of your ex boyfriend in the life of your child. If you make this kind of a plan it will help you to deal with the situation better when you know exactly what to expect from the future. It is very unpleasant for you to be in a state where you do not know what is going to happen.
I recommend you to go to talk to a representative of child protection services in your country to find out about different options that you have. Those people are familiar with the laws in your country regarding these matters and can give you best advice regarding what to do next. Laws vary between countries, this is why it is difficult to give you a specific advice as to what to do right now. I am sure you do not have to give your child to your ex boyfriend against your will especially when the child is very young and with the background of you reporting your ex boyfriend to police in the past, but as your child gets older it will become more difficult to prevent the father from seeing the child.
There will undoubtedly be times in the future when you must let your child spend some time with your ex boyfriend without you being around. Luckily it is not very likely that your ex boyfriend will act in a similar abusive manner towards his child since that would not serve his own interests in any way. I do not think you need to be afraid of your ex boyfriend treating your child badly.
Dear Friend, I know how difficult this whole situation is for you. Please stay strong. I know that your child's well-being is your priority. The most important thing is that you are no longer living with your abusive and dishonest ex boyfriend. Having a father like that present in her every day life would be more harmful for your child. You have done the right decision when you left your ex boyfriend after all the abuse you experienced and after finding out about his dishonesty. Never doubt your decision.
Warm hug,
Maria
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
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Hi Everyone. I was lucky enough to recognize my Ex had NPD the day we got married. The moment we married, it was the most bizarre Jekyl/Hyde transformation. The chase was over, the prize was won; over the next 2 years I was emotionally and verbally abused to an extent that gave me suicidal thoughts; the gaslighting caused that "you're Crazy, you need help, you have no friends." I left a beautiful home w/ all 3 of my kids (2 from another marriage, much happier one). That was 5 years ago; distance (emotional/verbal/etc) has helped a lot but sometimes I have to speak up; now he is smoking in the same car / apt. as my daughter. No regard. Burned her 2x w/ his cigarette "accidentally" (yes, it was documented). Doesn't do her homework when he has her, grades suffered, she and I suffered, he rolls along w/ no remorse/problems in life. I know full custody is the ONLY answer; for me at least. I've tried everything else; humanizing him...making him the focus (reverse psychology); nothing works. I pray hard not to "hate" but its hard when you deal with a narcissist isn't it? 
I do not know your complete situation but, I have tried to collect "proof" of this man's wrong doings. It won't relly matter if he is an N or has some other behavior issue. It all boils down to being in a situation that you feel you need to get out of SAFELY. The cour just saw him as abusive not a N. I had text messages, voice mails, police reports, and e-mails of him trying to justify things he had done when he was trying to get me to forgive HIM. We did not live together so when I cut off communication (which N's hate unless they are doing it) he started stalking. I asked the neighbors to watch out for him creeping around so now I have witnesses to that. I hope that (God forbid) anything happens to me, all the information I have collected will help put him away. Most N's will not do anything in the public eye because theywant people to believe that they are an upstanding person. They want to be adorned. Focus ALL your energy on how to protect you and your children. I had to spend a couple of thousand dollars to relocate but the peace and lack of drama is sooo worth it. If you are going to leave and go through the trouble of relocating be very sure that that is what you want to do. Beleieve me, you do not want to go through all of that trouble, and waist time and money just to het back with him. I contacted an agency that speacilized in information on how to "Start Over". They do not advertise on the web but I refered via word of mouth. Unfortunately there wasn't an opening at the time I needed to get away but they gave me lots of helpful information. It is sort of like a modern day "undergoung railroad" but I am on the waiting list and eventhough I will have to leave behind my friends and family for a while, it will give me a chance to get stronger, learn some tips on how to spot these people in the future, how to defend myself and so on... I look forward to a new life for me and my kids. One day I will be better equipted to deal with this man but now is not the time. Until they come up with a way to put a undetectable location device on my baby, he is not going anywhere near her without supervision. But the agency told me why that may not be wise right now. Again I do not know your whole situation but, legally I can go where I please becaus not paternity had been established yet. He is no where on the birth records and the doctors bammed him from the delivery room and OB office after he showed up pretending to be my husband to get information. Your case may be different. I hope this has helped. This agency has GREAT advice on how to start the healing and knowing that you are not alone and that yor actually NOT crazy! 
If you have the patience to stay, that's fine but when it's tme to ge it's time to GO! If anyoe else has any advice or experiences to share PLEASE comment.