Maria,

I have been married for 40 years and am just now beginning to see that my husband is more than likely a narcissist. I have thought I was crazy for quite some time. I went through a serious depression which lasted for 10 years. during that time my husband berated me and was not able to have any empathy for me at all. I accepted his sentiment that I was to blame for what was happening. I recovered and have been fine for ten years. However due to stressors I again suffered from a form of depression. I found out that my husband had been going to places where there was pornography for 18 years. My counselor suggested I look up narcissism and so much of it fits. But I do not know what to do with this information. Can you give me any insight?

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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

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Dear Friend,

Thank you for your email. I am sorry to hear you have been suffering of depression and have not received support from your husband during your recovery period. That is an incredibly difficult situation to be in. It is very hard to try to cope with depression alone. I do not know your situation in detail, but it can be that seeing your husband's lack of support and hearing him blame you for what has happened may have prolonged your depression. People who have a supportive family or a strong network of close people around them tend to recover faster from depression.

You said you think your husband may be a narcissist. You are the best judge of character regarding your husband, you know him best. If you feel based on what you have read that he is a narcissist or has strong narcissistic tendencies, you are most likely right.You said he has been unable to feel empathy towards you. That is one of the indicators of narcissism. I am sure you have been reading carefully about the various features of narcissists (for those who are not familiar with the most common behavioral signs of narcissism, visit page Narcissistic Personality Disorder).

You are wondering what you can do now after realizing that your husband has narcissistic tendencies. This depends entirely on what your goals are. If you wish for the improvement in the behavior of your husband, I must warn you that it is often very difficult for a narcissistic person to change, especially as one gets older. You said that you have been married with your husband for 40 years. The older one gets, the harder it is to change one's habits. This does not mean your husband cannot improve his behavior. However it is good to be realistic and not to expect too much.

If your goal is to stay with your husband and help him to improve his behavior and learn to understand you better, the best way to start the process is to talk to your counselor about the situation. Has your counselor met your husband? If your husband is willing to go to meet the counselor (either with you or alone) that would be a very good start. Unfortunately many people with narcissistic tendencies have difficulties to see anything wrong in their behavior and hence they feel they do not need to look for help. It can be that your husband is very reluctant to go to see a counselor. In that case just go alone, and talk with the counselor about the situation and what your goals and wishes are. A counselor knows your situation in detail and can help you to plan what is the best way to proceed.

If you feel you no longer want to put up with your husband's behavior and wish to leave him, it is also good to discuss with your counselor about it. It is hard to leave a person with whom one has shared 40 years. Perhaps you are not even thinking of that as an option. You are not telling very much about your situation, but whatever you wish to do, it is good to think about different options and their possible consequences carefully before taking action. I am sure it will clarify your own thoughts if you share your thoughts with your counselor.

Basically you have too choices: You can stay or you can leave. If you decide to stay, you need to accept that your husband has some behavioral traits that are not very pleasant and that it might be very difficult (perhaps even impossible) for him to change his behavior significantly. If your husband cares for you and wishes to stay together with you, he might be motivated to try to improve his behavior. This would of course be an ideal situation. In this case I recommend you both to go to see your counselor to discuss what is the best way to proceed.

If your husband is unwilling to admit that he has any problems, it is up to you to decide can you live with a person like him for the rest of your life. You have already been seriously depressed for a period of ten years. That is a very long time. You said you have also recently been depressed. Was your recent depression triggered by you finding out that your husband has been going to those places you mentioned (places with pornography)? You are not telling much about your situation, but if your husband truly is a narcissist, it is very possible that his behavior has contributed to your depression, perhaps even caused it.

Have you discussed these possibilities with your counselor? If your husband's behavior towards you has played a role in making you depressed, I recommend you to consider carefully if you are willing to take a risk that you might get more depressed in the future. Your health is the most important thing. I know how hard it is to leave a person with whom you have shared so many years, but you must put yourself and your health as priority. In this regard you need to be "selfish".

I recommend you to discuss all these things with your counselor. Whatever you decide to do, stay strong! You are not alone.

Warm hug,

Maria

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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