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Dear Maria,
I stumbled upon your website a few months ago and have been reading a lot about narcissism and it has helped me out. Thanks for the website, it is so enlightening! It gives you tools to help get through this tough time and the feelings that we all have being with a narcissist.
My story is that I met my handsome, kind husband back in College. I met him one summer, he was strong and yet kind, he "rescued" me from my controlling sister or that is what it seemed. He helped me to stand up for myself and didn't care if I was fat or thin, he accepted everything in me, or so it seemed.
We spent one glorious year together. He took charge of my money from summer jobs and I would write down the money and subtract it from his account, he thought of this and pushed me to take over. He said I was being taken advantage of by my sister and wanted me to be strong. I saw him as the answer to my prayers. He didn't chase women, he was clean cut, didn't drink or smoke or do drugs.
After a few months we talked of marriage and decided after 12 months to secretly get married, his parents from the Middle East would never accept it and mine weren't too excited either. So we basically eloped and kept it a secret. This seemed at the time to have been my idea, I wanted him and was happy to do this. All of these years he has joked and told me I tricked him into marriage.
After about a year he moved schools and called me one day telling me about his religion. He had gone to the mosque and realized he had to pray and fast etc. He was frantic and pushed me to convert to his religion. I was scared. I had been married secretly going against my family and now this. I was a spiritual person and under his great pressure I soon decided I would do it. So I converted to his religion. He became very "religious". We went along pretty good and I strived to be the "best" wife and perfect mate for him.
We finally got married for all to see and started our life. He was again clean cut, careful with money and said mostly all the right things. It was great. I pushed my parents away more and more. He told me that my parents were great, but that they didn't love me as he or his family did. He constantly pointed to the inequality between my sister and myself. My parents treated her better and cared more for her. This became a huge heartache for me. It was something that had never occurred to me before he pointed it out to me. He was my savior!
 After 4 years of marriage we started actually living together, we had been students and moving from place to place but finally settled down together. I can still remember it so well the day it all started to unravel. we had two very small sons, my husband came home from work and asked me why there were two dish soaps on the counter that were open. I said "oh I don't know" and this started a huge rage. My husband screamed and yelled, telling me how disrespectful I was.
I was literally shocked. I didn't know what to think. My husband was a rational, calm, smart and a very religious man. This had to be my fault. So, I decided to fix myself. I already was supposed to keep a spotless home, children perfect, homemade food including sauces, bread etc. I was the "perfect wife" but my husband just couldn't see it. We had several kids. People marveled at my calm, my ability to cope and my perfection.
All the while my husband's criticisms got worse and worse. If I had a dinner party for 30 people and worked 2 days in advance, and two days after while taking care of the house and kids, he had numerous complaints. I had to take them nicely and calmly and do better. If I seemed sad or upset my husband would be furious. Those days were the easiest in the beginning. He raged maybe every 3-4 months. He told me for years, "you have this problem, you are the perfect wife, then every few months you get in this mood and make trouble". I agreed and tried to hold back this uncontrollable anger, this bad side of me. The harder I tried the worst it seemed to get.
I remember my 8 months old daughter getting sick. She had a fever of 106 degrees. I spent two weeks taking her to the Dr. with my other two small children. She was vomiting, having severe diahrrea and had a urinary tract infection. I was alone trying to juggle all of these responsibilities. My husband was out most nights with his friends. When I asked him to stay he would be angry and say "what will I do at home" and this meant he would be unbearable if staying at home.
So I relented and told him to go and have fun. They were not out going to bars, but religious lectures and visiting. My daughter got sicker and sicker. I had no sleep and was falling apart trying to care for her. One day I wrapped her in a towel to giver her antibiotics. My husband told me to take her out of here because she was crying when he was watching tv. In the end she had a kidney birth defect and needed surgery. Again I just felt I was too needy and clingy and needed to just deal with it. This is just one of thousands of stories.
My husband never wanted to buy anything. He was from a poor country and told me all the time "you are lucky, a rich American". He didn't buy household items, my parents bought them. My husband never bought me or our kids gifts, he said it was a waste. He used to say "do you want me to be mean to you and then once a year buy you a gift or be nice all the time?". So I relented to his logic.
He always asked my opinion on many subjects but never took my advice, in fact he would ask if I wanted something and when I would tell him what I wanted it had better be what he wanted or he would convince me otherwise. I don't think I ever made a single choice during our marriage of almost 30 years. My husband always said he was "doing things for me to make me happy", but they seemed to be things that served his purposes. He never bought us furniture. When his friends left to go back to their home countries, he got their old stuff. Still it was not much and not enough for out house. My parents finally gave us their living room set.
My husband finally convinced me to move to his home country. His family was not happy and he said that if they weren't happy, HE WOULD never be happy. I thought that maybe if we moved the man I loved would come back. Maybe he was stressed or sad about being away from his country and family so this would possibly help. So I agreed. But as with everything if I didn't agree it would be a huge problem. I guess I was afraid he woudln't love me or I wasnt worthy so I always agreed in the end.
I arrived to his country, 8 months pregnant, 4 kids ages 6 and under. My husband had gone ahead to find a place and make the paper work. I stayed behind taking care of the house and moving arrangements. We arrived to the top half of a villa, no furniture, no bed, no a/c it was about 100 degrees. I thought it was a joke but said nothing. I slept on the floor and finally my husband got us thin pads that they use for maids and drivers.
We lived like this for couple years. We had no refridgerator or stove or kitchen cupboards. Finally after a few weeks my husband got a refridgerator and a stove. The stove had two working burners. My husband told me one day "if someone didn't know you they would think you didn't know how to cook". I said "the stove shocks me when I stir the food". He said "use a wooden spoon then". This is the best example of our marriage that I can think of. I sat in our little place day after day, no way to go out, my husband wouldn't allow it, no phone (shortage), no way to communicate with my parents, and no friends. I walked my sons to arabic school, they didn't know arabic. My husband said I was babying them, they got hit by teachers, screamed at and other kids threw rocks at them. My husband denied all of this was going on. I pushed for my kids and he did try to help them in ways. We switched schools each year for 4 years. I put my foot down and insisted that they have good treatment, it was a long road.
 Finally we moved into a luxury compound provided by my husband's company. This was the best time for us all. My husband didn't have to do anything for us. It was all provided, furniture, store, parks etc. Those years were pretty good. My husband never helped with the kids and constantly criticized me but at least we had a decent life. I never dared to question where he went or what he did and he told everyone I was the "perfect wife" I went along wondering what was really wrong with me.
My kids were growing and had no feelings or attachment to their father. They started telling me that he was not good to our family. Other men were there for holidays but my husband was off in his home country while we sat alone. I had several children then and during pregnancy my husband was the nicest to me. He never pampered me and expected me to do my usual work, but was nicer and less demanding. He had me write memos, edited friends books, make elaborate dessert trays for friends while usual pregnant and caring for small children.
I woke at 5 each day, made lunches, breakfasts, took the kids to school, came home cleaned, made home made meals and went back on school trips, back home and all the while my husband was out and doing his own thing. He never seemed to like one thing I did. He would rag and I then was so tired I just stood, tears dripping. This made him mad and he would say" I can't say one thing in my own home". There was never an apology but he acted nicer and if I rebuffed this there was hell to pay.
Finally in my forties I got tired of all of this and started sticking up for myself. This is when the real trouble started. I usually agreed to avoid conflict but then it became too much for me to bare. My husband told me "TURN back into the real you right now!". I did try to turn back and couldn't figure out what was going on.
I was not allowed to move a chair near the wall, eat at the family table, drink a cup of coffee, say certain words, I felt as if my whole world was crashing down. Why did I keep resisting and making trouble? I couldn't just go along any more. It was like I was not even a person, I was a nobody. I asked my husband one day what do you know about me? Name one thing. He couldn't name even one thing!
I kept getting more and more resistant and that made my husband angrier. My sons were grown and wanted to go to the U.S. to school and I had to support that. I fought against my husband as he saw it and helped them to leave. It was the hardest thing I had ever done. Each step of the way he got angrier and more frustrated and I sat many days tears leaking down my face, wondering why I was so horrible and hard to get along with. My kids supported me and told me that it was not me. My husband says the kids are the most important people in his life, but he never spent time with them or me and was always mad while he was with us.
To the outside world, we were the perfect family. My husband told everyone how great we were on daily basis. But to all of us, we could never do anything right. My parents became his arch enemies and so did I. anything I said or did was watched and dissected. He called me to "the room" for lenghty hours of discussion. I tried to keep up but never knew what he was saying in the end. It always came back to me and why I was insisting to make everyone live in hell. Hours of screaming and yelling and me crying. My kids meanwhile sat out in the living room worried and scared.
My husband told me he wanted our daughter at age 17 to get married when I asked him about her going to University. For years he had said his daughters should be doctors, now when faced with it, they should get married. I decided at that point I had to leave. The next few years were hell. He got madder and threw things, swore, accused me, woke me in the middle of the night for rants and basically showed me no mercy. Sex was done on time, how he wanted and I was blamed for any and all delays in fulfilling his needs.
I finally could take no more and pushed him to take us to the States for my son's graduation. At that time I stayed with all of my kids. He went back to his country. I wrote him and asked him to help us and we would stay for a year and help my daughter get adjusted in school. Now he said come back and we will be a happy family again. He never told his family I left and told friends we would be back.
He came to visit after several months of no support and not much communication. He pushed me to "make up" and then left. I told him we would never return to his country and then he started conflict and ended up not speaking to me or communicating with the kids. He sent money, then quit. He told me I could not let my kids see my parents, his enemies. Finally he asked God to destroy me! He then wrote me after months and said he was getting married.
This has broken me down. I tried and was the "perfect" wife. I went without and helped my husband to be the person he has become as far as jobs and saving money. I gave him a citizenship. How could he do this to me? how? He wont divorce me and I need his help in this and also want my share of our money. My husband rants and rages when I speak of this diverting the subject to my family and how he will not give me a cent until he dies. He says this lady has nothing to do with us, our marriage is awful and was and who cares. Let's continue on and not worry about her. What does she have to do with our marriage. It is his right from his religion etc.
He has had clear moments where he tells me that no one can be like me and that I did it all and no one can replace me in his heart. Does he even have a heart? I just feel as if our marriage and his abuse was not resolved and now this.. I didn't get any healing from all of the craziness and now this? He immediately said he would buy us a house and support the family and he has. Why do I care and why am I so devastated? I do not think I love him, but where did that man go who made all of those promises and was I just worth nothing to him? He married his second cousin who represents all that he hates, she is divorced, left her child with her parents to marry him, worked at a job etc. All things he cannot stand. I am confused by all of this.
We have many children together and none of them wants to see him or talk to him. I was always the one helping him to have a connection with them. Now they are fed up and have told me for years that he doesn't care about them and they don't care either. They are loyal to me and always have been. It is like they see right through him.
Sorry this is so long but hard to put into words.
My husband has not told anyone of his new "wife". He tells me he doesnt want to talk about her and wants our life to continue as normal. I went up and down and now have cut communication with him except to help him talk to the kids. I am totally financially dependent on him.
Thank you for your time.
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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
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Dear Friend,
Thank you for sending your story. I know how much you have been suffering, my heart goes out for you. Based on the way you write it is clear that you are a very smart woman and you have a clear insight of what has happened to you. Deep inside you know that the problems occurred because of your husband's personality, not because of something you did. I know that this knowledge does not take away the pain of almost 30 years, but it will help you to recover faster.
It is important that you understand that you could not have done anything differently. You could not have been "more perfect wife". You did all you could, and when you realized your husband was not capable of changing, you were strong enough to finally leave. The first step is always the hardest, and you have already taken that step.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. You write very well about these extremely difficult things. In your story you are describing the things that so many women go through every day in their relationship. Some of these women will be reading your story while they are trying to find the strength to end their own abusive relationship. They will get encouragement and strength by knowing that they are not alone in their situation and that the fault is not in them.
 Now let me give you my feedback. First of all let me congratulate you because you had the courage to insist moving back to your home country. Allow yourself to feel proud of yourself. You have done a great thing not only for yourself but also for your children. You have given your children an important example of how a person should behave if one's partner is behaving in an abusive manner, that one should never succumb to the will of the abuser.
Dear Friend, I can understand fully why it took this long for you to leave your abusive husband (I know you are still married to him, by leaving I mean that you had the courage to move back to your home country). You were put into an extremely difficult situation. First of all, it is clear from your story that in the beginning of your relationship you loved your husband deeply. Your love towards your husband helped you to endure the emotional abuse that started from the day when your husband shouted at you and raged at you for the first time. You said in your email that you do not think you no longer love your husband. This is no wonder. His constant emotional abuse has slowly killed your love over the years.
I can understand how shocked you were when the emotional abuse occurred for the first time. You thought you knew this man, and suddenly he was behaving in a strange, unexpected and illogical way. But your love towards him was still so strong that you could not bring yourself to leave him, even when the disturbing behavior reoccurred.
Dear Friend, so many people have gone through the same thing you have gone through. Many of the visitors of this website know exactly how hard it is to end an abusive relationship. It made your situation harder that you were living in your husband's home country, far from your own family and friends. Please do not blame yourself for staying in your marriage for this long. Many would have done exactly the same thing. It is very hard to break free, especially in a situation where you are living far from your home country. In the end you were strong enough to leave. That is all that matters now. You are finally free, and you still have several tens of years of happy life ahead of you! You have the love and support of your children, relatives and friends. Do not let your husband affect your life in a negative way anymore than he already has. Right now you need to be patient. It will take a while, but eventually you will start to feel better. Trust me.
It is clear that your husband's behavior towards you was totally unacceptable. Had he started to behave this way in the very beginning of the relationship, I am sure you would not have stayed with him. The contrast to your previous, peaceful life without him would have been so huge. But since your husband started to misbehave gradually, you had time to "adjust" to his bad behavior.
The effect of gradually increasing abuse in a relationship
Think about putting your finger into a cup that is full of hot water. Hot water burns your finger and so you immediately remove your finger from the cup. However, if you put your finger into a cup full of cool water and the water is very slowly heated up while your finger remains in the cup, you do not feel such strong pain and you are actually able to keep your finger in a cup for a very long time, even when the water eventually is as hot as it was in previous example when the water was burning your finger. If the heating of the water happens slowly, thermal receptor cells on your skin have time to adapt to the new situation and hence they do not get activated as strongly as they do when you suddenly put your finger into a hot water.
Same thing often happens in a relationship with an abuser. If constant abuse would start in the very beginning of the relationship, most people would immediately end the relationship. But it the abuse starts gradually and there are good times between the episodes of the abuse, one may slowly "adjust" to the abuse. Good times between the episodes of the abuse render one emotionally "hooked" and as a consequence of this it is very difficult to end the relationship.
The first step in breaking free is to understand that the abuse is never acceptable. Dear Friend, you said you used to wonder what was wrong with you. You said you tried to be a "perfect wife" but nothing seemed to please your husband. You can feel at peace regarding this matter: There was absolutely nothing wrong with you. You did not cause the problems with your behavior.
It seems clear that your husband's behavior towards you was disrespectful and abusive. When you are dealing with a person like that, it does not matter what you do, there is often no way to get through to such person. The only way such person can start to improve his or her behavior is if he or she first admits there is a problem. This is often very hard for most abusers. Most of the time an abuser fails to see anything wrong in his or her behavior and tends to put the blame on others.
It seems this was the case also with your husband. Your husband was not able to put himself into your position and to understand how painful you felt when he raged at you and shouted at you over insignificant small things. Your children were also able to see the true personality of their father and you said that today they do not want to have anything to do with him. I wish this strengthens your belief that there really was nothing wrong with you, the problems were the result of your husband's personality. You could not have done anything differently. You tried all you could for almost 30 years, and finally you gave up. It was the right decision, there is no doubt about that. You could not have done anything more. I am so glad that you are now free and can start to pursue your own happiness.
 You say you are financially dependent on your husband. I understand perfectly how uncomfortable this makes you feel. However, the most important thing is that you are now far away from your husband and you can concentrate on your own life. You need to give yourself time to recover. After a while you can start to think about different options regarding the financial situation.
I recommend you to go to see a counselor to talk about everything that you have been through during last 30 years. Right now your feelings are very mixed. You feel anger towards your husband, especially now when he has taken a new wife. You have the right to feel angry. Anyone would feel angry and betrayed in your situation.
There are many other emotions that you are going through in addition to anger. You need to process the negative and sad emotions that are related to the ending of your relationship. If you do not process these feelings, they might eventually make you a bitter and a depressed person. I do not wish that to happen to you. You need to allow yourself to mourn your loss. A counselor can greatly help you in this process. A counselor who knows the circumstances in your area can also give you good advice regarding your financial situation and point you to right direction where you can find help. I believe you will benefit very much if you are able to talk about all these issues and process your feelings with a professional.
Dear Friend, you have been through so much during last 30 years. The negative things that have happened have left deep scars in you. But those scars can be healed. The most important thing is to take the first step, to make the decision that you are not going to allow your husband to hurt you any more than he already has. You have taken the first step towards recovery by moving back to your home country and also by sending your story to me. You have a clear insight regarding what has happened to you and you said you wish to help others who are going through similar problems in their lives by sharing your story. That is a perfect place to be to start the recovery process.
It will help you to recover faster when you know that many others will benefit from your experiences. At this very moment a woman in a foreign country might be reading your story and might recognize similar behavior in her own husband. Reading your story might give her the strength to follow your example and to break free. Thank you again for sharing your story. Please write to me anytime you wish. You are not alone.
If you wish to read more about these topics, please see this article of emotional tools that help to get over mental pain.
Warm hug,
Maria
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
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Stories - Narcissism 
Sorry I didn't reply sooner. I was in such turmoil. My husband as I stated married a second wife, and now has a new baby. Wow all wrapped up nice and happy after not even 2 years of our leaving. I feel much better now and feel better each month. It has been a slow process but I do feel better. I have been inching away from my husband. this kind of person is like a magnet and you can feel drawn to them. For me I take a couple steps forward and one back. After now almost 2 years I feel very good. I can see things in perspective! It took a long time. I still feel sad sometimes and wonder where that person went. The first 10 years were pretty good but then just kept going down hill. The positives at the beginning were not being under constant verbal attack. I was so scared becuase he was always screaming and even threw things at me and swore at me. It had escalated to being afraid to sleep at night. So, really the positive was just being away from that and feeling safer although we were still all very worried and scrared, even thousands of miles away.