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Dear Maria,
Thank you for sharing your insight and experience so openly. Prior to reading the topics and feedback from readers, I thought I was alone.
My experience with, what I now see, as a Narcissist …..
My wife is Chinese and I am an expat. We were married just over four years ago. My wife was in her twenties and I was in my thirties. In the beginning things were wonderful, with lots of love and attention flowing. Just shy of few months into our marriage we were blessed with a lovely son. As all pregnancies go there were moments of slight ups and down, however on the whole it was very loving.
Roughly 6 months after the birth of our son, I went on business trip to Europe. On my return things started to change. I felt her growing distant. I started to notice inconsistencies in the stories she told and lies started emerging, but I brushed it off as I chose to believe the sweet words that came out of those beautiful lips.
I have traveled extensively since leaving school, initially as a backpacker and now on business. I can confidently say that I have experienced many things that most people haven’t and through this gained experience I can say that made me a better person, I know myself well. A mind is a work in progress and needs to be nurtured on a daily basis. I am Buddhist.
Having said this, my wife says she loves me completely and knows that I am the one for her. But she feels as if she hasn’t experienced anything the world has to offer, and is not sure if she is ready for married/family life. I lovingly and understandingly say, tell me what you REALLY want to do. She said I would like to travel alone and work in an orphanage in Thailand or Cambodia. Because I love her with every fiber of my being and can understand her need to do this, I support her decision. Being the person who I am, I then arrange an orphanage for her to volunteer and provide all she needs for her trip.
For the first 10 days or so she contacted me daily. Saying she loved me dearly and the trip has confirmed that I am the one for her. Then the contact became less frequent. She returned one month and still professing sincere love, but a cold demeanor existed. A few days after her return the inconsistent stories started to return and I started questioning. One morning I looked in her passport, to my ‘surprise’ she went to Thailand and not to Cambodia. And what caught me off guard was that she flew back to our home town for a few days in the month that she was gone. Bearing in mind that we live 30 minutes from airport! And her infant son is at home with her husband. I confronted her on this! The sweet words soon followed with some BS to provide a valid reason ensued. Of course I bought it as she was home with me. She loves me right!?!
Some months later she moved out saying that family life is not for her…. but it’s not you… It’s me. I love you completely and you are the most perfect husband/person in the world. I just want to be free. Being the understanding person that I am, I said ok. If this is what your really want then there is nothing I can do but let you go. Don’t misunderstand me, I made it very clear to her how much I loved her and I showed her too. If love was measurable be assured that my love for her was/is to the maximum.
We remained close, I continued to pay for her life and our son lived with me. I told her each time we met or spoke how much I missed her, and needed her. She came back after a month or so. Saying that I am the one for her etc. We then moved apartments to a location she preferred. I work long hours and she started going out more and more. She has many friends etc and we live in a city etc. I don’t want to hold her back so I agreed as long as she slept at home. Needless to say, she started sleeping out. Lies continued etc... but the sweet words continued.
Within a few months the topic came up again. This time she said she is not sure if she loves me. I was devastated. She chose to tell me this the day before I started a new job! By this time I had been through so much that I needed a break. I said I would move out for a while to clear my head etc and to get some space. My son stayed with her and our live in nanny. My life started falling apart, I had to put on a face in my new job. Each night returning to a studio apartment and a bottle of wine. I drank a bottle each night for the next few months. Nobody at work caught on to my broken heart or my vices, I covered it up. Things were tough. None of our friends knew that we were separated. Except for one very close and dear friend. I lived a lie. I got through each day with the hope that we may get back together…. I missed my wife… I missed my son…
My wife said that my son is better off with me as I am a better parent etc. So I moved home and she moved out. She came over each day and left. We still made ‘love’ regularly and remained ‘close’. After a month or so she moved back in fulltime. This lasted a whole TWO DAYS!
 This time she said to me ‘I love you but am not in love with you’, but this time added more spice to it. I love you as a family member and making love to you is like sleeping with my brother! I was left breathless with the last comment. Totally destroyed. I told myself, go on a bender for one last time. This is it! **## yourself up for the last time and then pick up the pieces. I then took 5 days leave, got heavily drunk each day. Took sleeping pills etc. BTW my son was with my mother in law. I then decided I needed a complete change. I moved apartments.
As my son’s English level was not where I hoped it would be (I am the only one who speaks English to him), I decided to employ a nanny who can speak English. After consideration I hired a medical student to take care of my son during her holidays. After a few days, the nanny started flirting with me and I readily reciprocated. Foolishly (to my defense, I can confirm I was weak and very vulnerable. It had been a long time since someone had seduced me and openly showed interest) had sex with my sons nanny. I then told her this could never go anywhere and is a mistake. A few days passed, then the forbidden fruit scenario arises and we succumb to the moment. Over a month this happened around several times. To each it was clear that it would not go anywhere. I made it clear that I am not looking for anything as I’m still in love with my wife. She agrees and says, well we both need it and can use each other.
My wife then wrote me an email saying how much she loves me and that she made a mistake. She wants to be with me. Of course I am over the moon and humbly agree we should get back together and work it out. During the time of our recent separation my wife found employment. After this beautiful email she then calls me and says she needs to fly to Bangkok with her colleagues on a business trip for the week end, and will return on Sunday.
By Wednesday I am really worried as she has not called and is not back from her trip yet. I am at the point of purchasing a ticket to go and find her. At that moment she calls and says she arrived at airport, and had been very ill for three days etc etc. I’m just so happy she is ok and finally home, and believe her lies. Things go really well for a few days and bam!!! She found msn chat records between the nanny and I.
She threw all the toys out of the cot, saying what a cheater and disgusting human being I am. What had I done to our love. Etc etc. She broke things in my house, hit me. This carried on for at least 7 days. Each day she would come around and mentally abuse me. She threatened me with suicide. Sending me messages how I had messed up her life and betrayed her trust in mankind. This was the most difficult period of my life, As I had never cheated on her before (my close friends say I wasn’t cheating on her as she had already dumped me, but I didn’t see this). I was a complete wreck as I had now seen through this delirious behavior as confirmation that she truly loved me. I then started deep soul searching and looked for ways to purify myself. Cleanse my dirty mind of this deep betrayal. How could I do this to the person I love so deeply. How could I hurt her so much.
We were officially divorced in less than two weeks. She said the only way she can get past this betrayal is not to see me as her husband. She then started to calm down and got softer in her manner towards me. We spoke of a future. I then took a three week trip for business and much needed family visit. In this time she wrote many abusive emails and text messages, but gradually softened. My mother and my now ex wife started corresponding via email, in the beginning my ex wife was harsh in judgment but eventually opened to my mother saying that if she had been a better wife I would not have betrayed her. She told my mother that she loved me dearly and wished to work it out. I was ecstatic when my mother told me this confidential news. On my return my ex wife told me she wants to work it out. But she needed a break too, so she went with friends to Malaysia for a week.
On her return things went well. We took it slowly, saw each other regularly and spoke fondly of a future. During this time she said that she would never cheat on me as she doesn’t like men in general, and she really wants it to work. We got closer and also drifted further at times. But something felt wrong. I wasn’t sure what!
One Friday evening in winter 2009, we went out with a few friends. Had a few drinks and were having a relatively good time, after deciding to play pool we waited for our turn. I then went to the urinal and on my return found my ex wife and friends fighting with the persons playing pool. My ex wife and one of the female players got into an argument (one that she instigated). Turned out one of the men at the table punched my ex wife (I was not aware of this until later). A close friend of mine protected her, the fight came to a halt.
Angrily we decided to leave, on leaving we passed the women and the man who punched my ex wife. My ex wife walked up to the women and slapped her, the man then punched her again. This time and grabbed him by the shirt and started shoving him, saying how can you hit a women! (I am not a violent person at all). Within a flash there were three of us and four or five of them. The scuffle grew and intensified, lots of pushing etc. My close friend now in pursuit of the guy, took a swing and knocked him out with a single punch. Unfortunately as he fell to the ground he landed head first, and fell into a coma. A nightmare begins!
 My ex wife and close friend were arrested, I took a cab and followed them to the police station. After an hour or so we were all detained. Followed by interrogation for the next 24 hours, mug shots, blood tests (they need to check your medical condition). I was now sent to a Chinese jail! For further investigation. Guilty until proven innocent! With no contact to the outside world, sharing a cell with 8 other convicts. Some on death sentences. I couldn’t believe where my fate had taken me.
Informed by the police I could serve between 2 to 20 years for my ‘involvement’, depending if the ‘victim’ lives or not. I spent the next month in jail. No phone calls allowed, no visitors, NOTHING. Rice for breakfast, rice with one vegetable for lunch, rice and one egg for dinner. I didn’t know if anyone knew I was there. After two weeks my embassy came to see me. Tears came running down. Finally and with no warning I was set free, on bail with charges pending!
During my time in jail I reflected on my life and the circumstances that led me to where I am. I believe nothing happens for a reason. I decided I need to make real positive changes. Even if this means no ex wife in the picture. My ex wife was set free at the same time, (my close friend is still incarcerated, case pending further court dates). Fortunately the guy came out of coma shortly after and was back to ‘normal’. That night my ex wife said she needs to change and she wants to start our life together. She is finally ready! I said OK. Let’s do this, it’s meant to be!
The first few weeks after our new found freedom and declared love, she slept at my place each night and things were going really well. Then the usual pattern started, excuses for her to stay at her place etc. But on the whole it was going well, we spoke of getting married again etc. But I felt something is wrong! Something didn’t add up. What is it? (Click the link below to read the rest of this story).
>> CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST OF THIS STORY <<
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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
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Dear Friend,
Thank you for your email. I read your story and I really feel for you. First of all let me say that I feel you have definitely done the right decision by thinking of breaking this negative cycle. I know how hard it is to go away from someone you love so much. There are so many things that made you fall deeply in love with your wife. You said your wife is very beautiful. That is not the least of the factors that have made you so attached to her (even though of course it is clear there is more than that). You may feel you will never encounter anyone like your wife if you leave her. You also have a child together, which is a huge combining factor.
I understand perfectly well why you have stayed with your wife for so long despite all that you have been through. You loved your wife with all your heart and you wished she would change her ways. But she was not able to do so. Now you have started to understand that there is no future for this relationship but it is still so hard to accept it. Your emotional attachment to your ex wife is still too strong.
Your wife has let you emotionally down when she has been lying to you and cheating on you. Based on your story your wife started lying and cheating already before she got addicted to drugs, so drug addiction can only partially explain her behavior. You are very kind when you are attempting to help her in her situation. When we are in love with someone we wish to help that person the best we can. But you also need to take care of yourself. It is very hard to try to help someone to recover from drug addiction and to try to heal yourself at the same time. I recommend you to read this article of Training the Brain to find out what you can do to help yourself to heal faster.
You can support your ex wife for example by directing her to right places to get help and treatment for her addiction and other problems, but if she does not accept your help, you cannot drag a grown up person to get treatment against her will. At that point you must stop thinking of her and concentrate on your own recovery. Please do not sacrifice your life for her. Your wife is a grown up woman who has a child. Her behavior has been very irresponsible. It is clear that she needs help, but you do not have to sacrifice yourself in a process of trying to help her if she clearly is unable to receive your help. You need to take care of yourself for the sake of your child.
I know you are now in pain. You had built a certain image of yourself and your future and that image included your wife. Now when you are slowly starting to realize the image you had of your wife was not real, your mind is trying to reorganize your view of your wife and your life with her. In order to reorganize your view of your life you must break parts of the old image before you can build a new one. It hurts when the old image is being broken down. You are now in the middle of this process and this is the source of your pain. (Click the link below to read the rest of this reply).
>> CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST OF THIS REPLY <<
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Dear Friend, I know how hard it feels when you are in the middle of the situation like this. It takes some time before you start to feel better. You must accept it and think of your emotional pain as a physical wound that takes some time to heal. If you stay with your ex wife, you are keeping the wound open. Only if you are able to detach yourself from her and from this situation, your emotional wounds start to heal. If you wish to read more about this topic, please see this article of emotional tools that help to get over mental pain.
Warm hug,
Maria
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
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