Dear Maria,

I came upon this site exactly one week after I discovered my narcissistic boyfriend was cheating on me. I knew he was messing with a woman at one of his jobs but I could never prove it. So I went by my boyfriend's place (most of the time he would make excuses for him to stay over at my place) to surprise him with breakfast and meet his WIFE of 13 YEARS! To say the least I was devastated.

His wife did not seem all that surprised, as if she's been down this road too many times before. It didn't even seem to bother her that much that I'm PREGNANT. My boyfriend was able to hide this from me for a year. We were supposed to be buying a house and start a family together. What a LIAR! My boyfriend told me he had never been married in his life. His wife told me to come on in and to go wake him up from bed. At this point I was very uncomfortable so she woke him up. My boyfriend came out and kissed me on the forehead right in front of his wife!

I left and have not communicated with my boyfriend at all since then, but now he is leaving me messages in his regular narcissistic way, saying things like: "you wanted a way out anyway, so I guess you found it!" and "I said I was sorry but, we are still having a child together, you owe me that much to tell me how you and the baby are doing!" How do I owe HIM anything? I would have never had the time of day for him if I had known he was married! It was bad enough that I was upset about having a baby out of wedlock but this takes the case, and he won't leave me alone!

My ex boyfriend can't do anything about a baby that's not even here yet so how can I owe him information when he withheld so much from me and now has me and this baby in a very negative situation. I just want to get away but my ex seems to be stalking me and turning my other children (that are not even his) against me. They feel my ex is a good guy and I not giving him a chance. All they've seen is the nice guy! My boyfriend has told them (when I wasn't around) that "your mom is the one that is probably out there cheating on me! I'm the most honest person she will ever meet, I have not lied to her once!" They have not been around to hear all the previous manipulations and lies I had already caught him in, that are of course nothing compared to this.

How do I work this situation with a child on the way? I have read some of the other post and it seems like these type of people still try to hang around just to make your life a living hell!

___________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

____________

Dear Friend,

Thank you for sending your story. I became so angry on your behalf when I read it. It is so amazing that there are people like your ex boyfriend out there, who can live a double life without feeling slightest bit of guilt. The behavior of your ex boyfriend is not acceptable under any circumstances. His comments after you found out that he had been lying to you all along were simply outrageous. You wrote your boyfriend said "you were looking for a way out, it seems you have now found it" etc. That is simply a mindless, ridiculous comment in this situation.

I do not know your boyfriend in person, but based on your letter it seems you are dealing with a man who has serious personal issues. His behavior is far from normal. Sadly it seems his wife has witnessed this kind of behavior before, that is why she was not shocked to find out about you. That is a very alarming sign. Dear Friend, I wish you are not having a feeling you would like to get back together with your boyfriend. This man seems to be a liar by nature. I would never encourage you to try to fix a relationship and rebuild the trust with a person who has committed such a huge betrayal.

Dear Friend, I know the pain you are feeling right now after discovering this betrayal. I recommend you to read this article of Cheating and Brain to understand the biological basis of your pain. Understanding the mechanism that is causing your pain will help you to deal with your negative emotions more effectively. It is good to be aware what to expect during next several weeks and months after experiencing such traumatic event. The most important thing is to understand that the emotional pain you are now experiencing is a normal reaction in your situation. If you did not feel the pain, there would be something wrong with you. To read more about the way the mind works during situations such as this, I recommend you to read this article of Positive and negative feedback cycles.

Everything your boyfriend told you about himself was a lie. He deliberately made you to fall in love with the false person who did not exist. Like you say, if you knew about his wife you would ever have gotten involved with him in a first place. In addition to being a liar, this man also seems to be a very simple-minded individual. Your boyfriend must have realized that he cannot hide a matter of this magnitude forever, especially with baby on the way. He must have known his lies will be exposed sooner or later, and most likely sooner. Yet your boyfriend kept on lying. He knew it would be devastating to you to find out the truth, especially in your condition (being pregnant) and yet he carried on with his betrayal. He had no empathy towards you whatsoever. All he cared about was that his small world that was built on lies would remain stable.

It is truly amazing that some people simply fail to understand that it is impossible to keep such masquerade going on forever. Most of us would understand that at some point the truth will always come out, and when it does, our life is going be miserable, we will be labeled liars for the rest of our lives. Most people would never take such a huge risk. The fact that your ex boyfriend took such risk makes him appear as a rather simple-minded individual.

Dear Friend, you were wondering how you can move on with your life in this situation. The best thing you can do right now is not to be in any contact with your ex boyfriend for some time. He has no right to demand you to report to him how you are doing. If you and baby are having health problems, then it would be a proper thing to do to tell him, but other than that you do not have to report to him anything until the baby is born. Your boyfriend has betrayed your trust in a worst possible way. It is ridiculous that he is saying to you "you owe me this". You do not owe your ex boyfriend anything.

Send him email telling that you will let him know if there are problems (regarding your pregnancy), and that if he does not hear from you, he can assume everything is fine with the baby. Make it clear to him that you do not want to be in contact with him during the rest of your pregnancy. You need to concentrate on yourself and on the well-being of your baby. Do not let your ex boyfriend disturb your life and make you more depressed and unhappy than you already are.

Once the baby is born, you can decide what kind of a relationship your ex boyfriend can have with the child. But until the child is born, do not think about those things. Concentrate on yourself and on your well-being. You have plenty of time to worry about other things later. Dear Friend, I cannot empathize this too much: The most important thing is not to maintain contact with this man. Do not communicate with him any more than you absolutely have to. If he starts to bother you too much, luckily there are legal ways to keep him away. You need time and peace to recover from this blow. You cannot recover if your ex boyfriend is around, being part of your life. His presence would constantly remind you of his betrayal.

Dear Friend, I wish you are strong enough to maintain No Contact. I know how hard that can sometimes be. However in your situation the magnitude of the betrayal was so huge that I hope it has made you understand this man can never be trusted and that if you stayed with him, your life would undoubtedly be miserable. Stay strong. Write to me anytime you feel like it. You are not alone.

Dear Visitor, to read more about how to get over cheating and narcissism in a relationship, please visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism.

Warm hug,

Maria

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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