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Hi Maria,
I'd like to submit my story of living with a narcissist. If it helps even one person by giving them the confidence to leave, if will be worth it. Also, thank you so much for this website. You are doing a very good thing by giving us a forum to vent, as well as stories to help us understand that we aren't alone.
I've been married to a narcissist for over 25 years. The reason I married him was to get away from a terrible home life with an alcoholic (and narcissistic) mother. I suppose I was drawn to him because I was so used to being around this kind of person. When we first met, he (I'll call him "F") was kind, sweet, charming & somewhat loving. He would tell me that he needed to learn how to love & that I could teach him.
F would promise me the world as well. He told me he knew all about construction & would build me a dream home, he told me that we would go on exotic trips & that he would work so hard that we would never have to worry about money. He also told me that if I wanted to stay home and raise our children, he would support me. This was a dream person to me! How could I have been so lucky to find him? I was drawn completely to the "home-loving" provider he painted himself out to be. When I told him that I wanted to have lots of children, he agreed & said he wanted the same. In retrospect, I realized that every dream of mine that I shared with him, became his dream too. How coincidental huh?
This was probably the earliest signs of trouble, even though I could not see it. When a person seems just too good to be true, promises to fulfill every one of your dreams and agrees with everything you say... you need to look a little deeper. If I had looked a little deeper, I would have noticed that he really didn't have any dreams or goals. He simply adopted all of mine, just to come across as agreeable. Later, I noticed that he did this with everyone. He agreed with whatever people would say, even if that meant contradicting himself constantly.
We got married only 3 months after we met, which was a HUGE mistake. That is NOT enough time to get to know someone. Right after we got married, things started to change. He stopped, almost immediately, being loving. He no longer had to work to get me to marry him, I now belonged to him, so he could stop pretending. I started to notice that my husband was a very selfish person. For our wedding, we received a check from my aunt, however, she had forgotten to sign it. She was very ill though with cancer & I had no intention of telling her. For all I knew, she did not sign it on purpose because she couldn't afford it.
 When F found out about the check, he wanted to visit her & have her sign the check so we could cash it. I was appalled, but he was very convincing in telling me that she would want me to do this (I can't believe I went along with this). So, off we went to visit her & I can't tell you how humiliating it was. Here was my very, very sick aunt, dying of cancer & here I am asking her for this! She did sign the check & as soon as she did, F wanted to leave. I was never able to visit her again because he always made up excuses as to why we (or I) couldn't.
After this, we went off on our honeymoon to a camping park. One day of the honeymoon, we were window shopping in the small town & F saw a knife (the kind you wear on your belt) that he went crazy for. We had very little money except for the money from my aunt. He actually went in the store & bought himself this knife. Something he didn't need & something far too expensive to be buying. I was so upset that he used all of the money from my aunt on something for himself. I was shocked at his selfishness.
When we returned home from the honeymoon, my husband told everyone who would listen that I purchased the knife for him on the honeymoon as a surprise! At the time, I could not figure out why he would lie about that. It turned out that lying was actually something he did all the time. Over the years, it shocked me how easily my husband could lie & how he could lie about the most trivial things. I didn't know that pathological lying was a narcissistic trait at the time. Some of his lies just didn't make any sense until I finally realized that he lies to cover up his own bad behaviour, to get people to like him & simply to defend every one of his actions.
An example of the lies: If I heard the washing machine going & asked him "Did you put a load of laundry in?", my husband would say "NO, I NEVER TOUCHED IT" or "I DID NOT!!". Even if it was only the two of us in the house, he would lie about turning on the washing machine. Who lies about something like that? And why? Well, for him, he always ruined my clothes whenever he did the wash (never his clothes.. only mine), so I made him promise me that he would NOT do the laundry.. that he would leave it for me. Of course, my husband wasn't able to do that because it was impossible for him to keep any promise, so he would lie to me to defend himself. If I didn't drop the subject immediately... even if I spoke in a nice, calm voice... he would become irate, furious, hostile, extraordinarily defensive & abusive.
The stress for me was mounting up every single day with no place to vent it. I was never able to discuss any issue with my husband... ever. Not without a huge, horrible argument where the blame would fall onto me for being the one to "say bad things about him". Yes, that's how he saw issues! If he had hurt me or lied or cheated & I found out or asked him questions or tried to convey my feelings... he would say that all I wanted to do was to say bad things about him. He never took responsibility for anything. Ever. So, any issue, no matter how important it was to me, never got discussed. If I needed support or help or just kindness, I never got it. Instead, I got an argument that left me terrified, stressed and alone. This left me with very low self-esteem, no self-confidence and a feeling that I was to blame for forcing my husband to be cruel to me.
Of course, my husband always blamed me & told me that life would be so much better if I could learn to just shut my mouth and not talk to him about certain things. The only time my husband wasn't defensive or angry was when I'd talk about nonsense issues, such as... television, news, weather etc. It was like having conversations with strangers just to pass the time. The second I mentioned anything remotely personal, he would instantly turn into this defensive, arrogant, hostile, abusive ass. Even a question such as "Honey, have you seen my purse around, I forgot where I put it?" would set him off. He would reply "I AINT NEVER TOUCHED IT..IT WASN'T MY FAULT". Not having any healthy communication was, I think, the most damaging part of all this. For many years, I truly felt that it was totally my fault. I felt that I was the one who caused all of the problems.
I was also in charge of almost everything in the home. From working full time to pay the bills, cleaning, laundry, cooking & raising our child virtually alone. My husband didn't pay the bills because he didn't know how to. All he had to do was go to work, come home & watch television (that's mostly what he did). He would spend money recklessly, buying things we didn't need, or treating his friends to lunch and then if I wasn't able to pay all the bills in full, he would get furious with me and accuse me of spending the money!
You know, for years, I felt so incredibly guilty for not being able to pay the bills. Whenever I didn't have enough money, I wouldn't tell my husband... I would just juggle the bills myself & figure it all out... even to the point of telling him there was more money in the bank than there actually was (which made him just spend more!). Looking back, I can't believe how much my husband manipulated me. It wasn't me who couldn't save, it wasn't me who abused the money... it was him! Yet, I was under so much stress for so many years because I was so scared of my husband becoming hostile.
 All those years as well, I shopped at used clothing stores or did without, while my husband got expensive colognes, regular haircuts, expensive teeth cleaning, expensive shoes & clothing... the works. He even had a winter car & a summer car (a red sports car) while I had to take the bus everywhere I went... even to take our son to a doctors appointment!! If I ever complained... he would become hostile & start an argument which left me scarred with stress.
My husband also cheated.. constantly. The first time was when we were married only a few months, the next was when I was in the hospital giving birth to our son & many, many more followed. To this day, he has never admitted to most of them. He never once came to me & owned up to any of them. I always found out about them the hard way, confronted him and the hostility & abuse would start. I mean, how dare I accuse him of something that's true!!! He gave me two very serious STD's because he never used protection when cheating.. not once. These STD's left me so internally scarred that I was unable to have any more children at the age of 25! I saw many specialists in hopes that they were wrong, but they all told me the same thing... I could NOT carry a child to full term because of the extensive damage.
I was heartbroken. You know what my husband did? Nothing. All I ever got from him was at first.. "OKAY, OKAY sorry" & then after that all he would say was "Well, maybe you got those things yourself... maybe YOU cheated". Can you believe that? He knew that wasn't true, but he couldn't blame himself could he?
When I finally saw the light & started to see my husband for what he was (it happened right after my mother passed away.. something psychological there, but I'm not sure what), then it all came to the surface immediately. It was as if I'd solved a puzzle after years & years of trying. It was a huge, drastic AHA moment. From then on, all I wanted was to get out. The first time I told my husband I wanted to leave, he physically hurt me. He grabbed my arms so hard that I was literally covered in bruises. He also threatened me.. he told me he would follow me & that he WOULD find me, no matter where I went, he told me that he personally knew all the cops in the town where we lived and that they would NOT help me, he told me he would hire someone to kill me - that he knew a person who would kill me for the bargain price of 500.00!! He said he would call child services & make up lies to get my son taken away, he said he would ruin me in such a way that my life would be a living hell. (Click the link below to read the rest of this story).
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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
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Dear Friend.
Thank you for your letter. I am so sorry to hear what your husband has put you through. I was so happy to read in the end of your story that you have been able to leave. What your husband has done to you is simply appalling. He sounds like a truly horrible individual. Narcissists can say and do all sorts of things, but based on what you are telling about your experiences it sounds like your husband has other serious issues as well.
 What you told about washing machine incidents (your husband denying he turned the washing machine on when there was no one else in the house but him) sounds very strange. Narcissists are self-centered and often extremely selfish individuals who are unable to feel empathy towards others, but in most cases they are not crazy. There is nothing wrong with the intellect of a narcissist, only their sense of right and wrong is impaired (due to the damages and deficits in their emotional world).
But your husband sounds like he has more serious issues. It was simply ridiculous to say to you that he did not turn the machine on when it was absolutely clear he did, and your husband knew you know it too. Unless your husband is seriously mentally disturbed (or extremely simple-minded), the only remaining explanation is that he knew you knew he was lying, but he simply did not care, but was saying those ridiculous things to you just to annoy your and degrade you. You alone know your husband well enough to judge if he truly meant what he was saying.
Also other things you mention in your email are very disturbing, especially the things you mention in the end of your letter: Your husband becoming violent towards you and threatening your life. I understand you feel scared after hearing something like that. Please be careful. Dear Friend, I do not mean to make you feel more scared, most likely your husband will not risk his own future by doing something to you. But it is always better to be safe than sorry. Do not let your husband in to the apartment when you are there alone. Do not go to your old home when your husband is there alone. Do not meet your husband anywhere where there are no other people around. Most likely he will calm down to some extent as the time passes, but for now it is best to keep clear distance, as I believe you are already doing.
Dear Friend, it is very natural to have feelings of fright when someone is threatening your life. Until it actually happens to us, we often tend to think "oh, those are only words, I could handle it easily if someone says that to me, I would not let it shake my life". But when someone actually says the words to us (and does not say them in a joking manner), it always has an impact. It makes us feel vulnerable and fragile, and yes, afraid. Dear Friend, if you have a chance, I recommend you to go to talk to a professional counselor about the situation. Do not try to be strong and survive on your own. I know you can survive on your own it if you must (humans can do all sorts of things if they have no choice), but after experiencing such a long term emotional neglect and abuse it is a hard road to struggle out of the sadness and depression on your own. Why should you suffer any longer if the help is available. (Click the link below to read the rest of this reply).
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Please write to me anytime you want. You wrote you do not have many friends. Dear Friend, here you are amongst friends. Everyone who visits my website has experienced something similar. You are not alone. Please do not hesitate to write! If you wish to read more about me and my background, please visit page About Maria.
To read more about how to get over cheating and narcissism, please visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism.
Warm thoughts,
Maria
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
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