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Dear Maria,
I am really hoping that you can help me. My husband filed for divorce out of the blue, and I am completely shocked at what has happened, and believe that he is a narcissist given how I have been reduced to half of who I was just a year ago. I think that my husband has been manipulating me on such a subtle level that I don't even recognize myself now.
We met five years ago. He told me that he loved me (after 2 weeks) and that I was his soul mate (after 3 months). We moved together from the US to Europe (actually, I helped him find a job here and changed jobs to be with him) and got married within a year. I loved my husband so much, we had so much in common, he treated me like a queen and I thought that we were so happy. He was loving and caring to me; had 100s of friends; spent time speaking with anyone he met on the street, so I thought that he respected people (turns out that my husband needs a lot of validation, even from strangers).
Unfortunately, couple years ago my husband's brother was diagnosed with lethal disease, and died short while later. At that point, my husband started acting strangely -- saying that he was going to take care of his brother's kids (they are young) and wife; my husband started making plans to take them on vacation, without asking me; he spent more and more time with them (they live in another country) as he had just been fired and had time on his hands; he never spent any time talking about US and where I fit in his life; he also stopped touching me sexually, only kissing me on the head and giving me hugs. I found all of this strange, but thought that it was just depression due to the death. And all of a sudden, my husband told me that he was moving to his country to be with his family. He never ASKED me what I thought about that -- the fact that he was leaving me alone in the country where we lived and moving! I was so sad, and felt like he had forgotten me. But again I assumed that he was just grieving for his brother.
Then, about a year ago, my husband was offered a job in the country where we live -- an excellent job! And he told me (yes, again TOLD me) that he was staying "to make sure that we were together". I never believed that this was the reason -- rather, that the important level of the job was why my husband decided to stay. And I was not happy that he stayed, because it was the second time in few months that he took a decision on his own, without considering how it would affect me, and without asking me). At that point, my husband started acting really strangely. He said that he had been speaking to his friends about "our problems". I asked him what problems he was talking about, and he said "where to live" and "that we do not get along".
I was shocked, and confused. Yes, we had not decided where to settle down (We are in our 30s! What is the rush? Besides, my husband had just taken a new job) but we did not have problems. I got angry and shouted at him. I said that I did not understand what he was doing. But then we went on vacation in the summer and all was well again. When we came back, I started talking about having a baby (which my husband had always wanted) and he said, NO, not until we move back to my country. Wait -- I moved from the US to Europe for him. He told me he was moving to his own country then changed his mind. And now he said that we could not have kids until he moved home, which could be in 2 years, 5 years, even never, since we had not discussed when we would move if at all?? He also said that he did not see a future with me any more??
 I was making all these compromises and was stunned that my husband never asked what I wanted (small things, yes -- e.g. running my bath and buying me flowers -- but nothing major in terms of life decisions; it's like my husband never wanted to plan anything with me, only with his friends). I thought that I was losing my mind.
I told my husband that I was really unhappy and wanted him to see a therapist. He agreed, and then also agreed for us to go to therapy together. We went couple times together, and the therapist said that this was not a couples issue. He said that we loved each other so much that he did not understand what the issue was. Well, at that last session, my husband said that he was moving out to think about things.
I went away for work for couple weeks to give him space. When I came home, he had taken EVERYTHING -- absolutely everything that he owns. He left me with the rent, the bills and my things. I asked my husband why he had taken all his things when I only thought he wanted a few weeks apart. He said that he wanted to see what it was like to live without me. He canceled his ticket to spend Christmas with my family, but called me every day saying that he loved me and missed me. ( Click the link below to read the rest of this story).
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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
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Dear Friend,
Thank you for your email. I am so sorry to hear about what has happened to you. I can understand your pain. It is difficult to know if your ex husband is a narcissist, but in the end the exact "diagnosis" is not important. It is clear that your ex husband has some serious issues, his behavior towards you is far from normal. There is no excuse for his cold and careless behavior. You wrote that your ex husband was always kind and never argued with you, but nevertheless he was misleading you, letting you wait for him in vain, letting you believe things were going to be alright and telling you he loved you, while in the same time he kept his true feelings and motives hidden from you.
If your ex husband felt there were problems in your relationship, he should have mentioned about them to you, instead of making the ridiculous accusations afterward regarding how you did not do this and that right (you leaving restaurant earlier several years ago, you not cooking what he wanted, etc pointless, insignificant and mindless accusations). It is clear something has been going on with your ex husband for quite a while, but he selfishly kept you in dark and "on hold", while he was "examining how it feels to live without you". The least your ex could have done is to be honest with you regarding his feelings.
 Of course it is possible your ex husband was so confused that he did not know what he really wanted. It is understandable that he was depressed due to the unexpected death of his brother, and you were more than understanding towards him during his grieving process, letting him have his way, letting him move away for long periods of time, not asking anything for yourself but instead giving him all the time he needed to recover. You did everything you could for your husband.
Many women would not have liked nor accepted it if their husband started to interact closely with the family of the death brother to the extent your husband did without including them (you) to that life, taking the wife and children of his brother to trips without you and without negotiating with you first (you were his wife, it is clear he should have asked you), let alone to move into his country to live, leaving you behind. Your husband should have done everything he can to include you to the life he had with his brothers family and his own family, or at list make you feel that is his preference. Now he simply gave you "announcements".
I do not know why your ex husband has distanced himself from you, but whatever the reason is, he should not put the blame on you, lying to other people about the things you mentioned in your letter and distorting the truth to work in his favor. For some reason your ex husband wants his friends and relatives to believe there have been serious problems between the two of you for a long period of time and that he has tried to solve them, unsuccessfully. You should ask yourself why it is so important to your ex husband that people around him see the situation like that. ( Click the link below to read the rest of this reply).
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I am glad you found my website. Please stay strong. I know you are hurting, but trust me when I say this. You WILL get over this. Please write to me anytime you feel like it. You are not alone.
Warm hug,
Maria
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
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Stories - Narcissism 
in my experience I would say that the making of unilateral decisions with regard to work, place of domicile, having children is a core NPD trait.
His blatant lies are instances of projection and projective identification, the worse one being that he says it was you who did not want children. The pattern you describe of the events and what he said and how he behaved are to my mind very consistent with NPD. Maria's analysis and advice is sound. I am upset and angry that you had to go through this.
Regards
Chris