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Hi Maria,
I love your website. I have learned that i was living with a narcissist for 10 years who has mentally, verbally and emotionally abused me. Now i am living a hell trying to heal after he just dumped me for another woman. He was in an affair for nearly 2 years with this another woman while been married to me and trying to "fix" our marriage. When he met her we were separated and after that he told me he doesn't want me anymore, he was threatening me with the divorce. I was crying and trying to get him back but he would not listen to me. After a month this other woman came (she is from other country) and they moved in together for a month as she was coming for a holiday. In that time i was so devastated, i was depressed, i could not eat and he could not care less about me or our beautiful son. After she left i asked him for the divorce and he refused telling me he wanted to try the marriage again since he feels he didn't try hard enough, also telling me he still loves me and our son too. I believed him, stupid me, so i gave him another chance.
From that time i realized i did the biggest mistake of my life because that woman came again (for the whole summer this time) and they started having an affair. When i found out i told him and he started screaming at me telling me that they are just friends, he dumped her just like that in order for him to try his marriage but she refused as she couldn't believe his unpredictable behavior and she came to have a closure with him. Like that my hell started and me with my son we were suffering and waiting for him to come home late at night. Of course we had lots of arguments but that would not help with anything. Now after i have read a lot about NPD i understand why me and my spouse never got along.
Finally she left and he told me he wanted this marriage and started to blame me that i am not understanding, that i am cruel since i don't think about her as well because she is devastated etc. After all this i gave up and i didn't want marriage to continue. I couldn't stop crying, i nearly lost my job, i was feeling so low, so worthless. It is horrible to know my husband is cheating on me and that he doesn't care about how i feel, how damaged i am emotionally and mentally. HE IS AN ABUSER.
After that no long ago he decided to go back to her since she still loves him and he walked out just like that without caring how i feel. I am so depressed i don't know what to do. I know my marriage with him wasn't any good since he is a narcissist and many times he used to put me down, called me names etc. I know all this but its hard to let it go after living together so many years and also my ego is hurt, because he dumped me for another woman. Please, i ask for your help, i feel so down knowing my husband is living with another woman right now, a woman who he had an affair with for nearly 2 years, a woman who broke up my marriage, a woman without morals and if you ask me i found her worse than him (no morals whatsoever and very selfish, worrying about her future, desperate to settle down as she is older than him with few years.
I know i have to heal myself because this relationship was toxic for me, i was so abused and yet i became addicted to my narcissistic husband, but is so so difficult to let go... I still have feelings for him, I even beg him to stay but he wont listen. He told me he doesn't love me anymore, he loves her and he has to do what he has to do. He told me "i want to do what makes me happy". Always about him, extreme selfishness. I told him i am going to file for the divorce and he said "that's fine with me but we should wait, don't rush", in case it doesn't work out with the other woman to have a door open with me, so selfish he is.
He is lacking all empathy, he was never there for me to support, nothing. If i was saying something about my day or asked him for his opinion he would say "stop complaining". Why do i still want him? Why can't i turn my back to him for good now that i am not a narcissistic supply for him anymore? Now he wants me to remain very close friend, but i don't know why he wants that. I don't want it because i am afraid every time i see him he will hurt me. He tells me to stop punishing him. Please, i need your help. What do I do to get out of this hell? If he comes back I think he will never change. What do i do? Please. I apologize for any errors in spelling.
Thank you.
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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
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Dear Friend,
I am sorry to hear what you have been through. As you may have noticed if you have read my answers to other people (from section Stories - Narcissism), I usually try to be very analytical and focus on facts, because in a long run that is what helps the best in these kinds of difficult situations. It often does not help to get upset and angry, that will only make things more difficult to deal with. If one is dealing with a narcissistic person, it is often best to try to put oneself as an "outsider" and try to view the situation as neutrally as possible, that helps to see the big picture. Often seeing the big picture proves that it is impossible to have a happy relationship with a severely narcissistic person. It is easier to end the relationship when the decision is based on simple logic and facts, instead of pure emotions. It helps to maintain No Contact when one can remind oneself of the facts, even when the sharpest peak of anger has calmed down.
 As I said, usually I am sticking with the facts, because I know in a long run it helps the person the most. But sometimes I read a story that simply makes me so angry that I cant help but get a bit emotional myself. Dear Friend, your story was such a story. As I read it, I became so angry to this man. What an arrogant, selfish person he is. There is absolutely no excuse for what this man has done to you. He is clearly an abuser and simply generally very unpleasant person. When you read your letter again, ask yourself could you ever recommend your best girlfriend or your own child to stay with a person like that. I believe the answer is an immediate strong NO.
Dear Friend, I understand you miss him. Now let me give you as feedback some facts that will help you in your recovery process. What you miss is NOT the man himself, you miss the dream image you created of him in the beginning of the relationship. The real man is an evil and unpleasant abuser. You did not fall in love with that man. You fell in love with your dream image, when you did not yet know his true twisted personality. Now you must let go of that dream image, and that is a painful process. This is why you feel the pain now, NOT because you love him. It is good to be aware of the true source of the pain, so that you will not try to "medicate" yourself in a wrong way (possibly by getting back together with him).
Dear Friend, it is very important that you DO NOT mistake your feelings towards this person to be love. You no longer love him, not after everything he has done to you. Instead, your feelings towards him are very negative. Analyze your feelings, when you think about everything he has done to you. When you remember all the humiliation, diminishing, neglecting, ignorance and pain he has caused you, what do you feel? Dear Friend, what you feel is not love, the feeling you have is closer to hate. You have started to hate this person for what he has done to you (and you have a very good reason to feel hatred towards him), but you do not necessarily recognize your feelings being closer to hate because you still have not been able to let go of the dream image of him that you fell in love with so long ago.
It is important that you understand that even if he would come back to you, you can never have a happy life with him. You can never forget what he has done to you. The hatred you feel towards him due to his actions is a self-protection mechanism, built within us humans during the course of evolution, aiming to protect us from letting people who can hurt us to get too close to us. If we have a negative feeling towards someone, we usually have a good reason (or at list some reason) to feel that way. As a consequence of the negative feeling we are not interacting closely with the person we do not like, thus preventing him or her from harming us. What I am trying to say is that it is a good thing you will not forget the bad things this man has done to you, because if you did, he could come back into your life and hurt you again. Your reactions and feelings in this situation are perfectly natural.
 Dear Friend, I strongly recommend that you do not stay in any contact with this man. What he has done to you is unacceptable. He has had no respect for you, he left you and your young son for another woman when he felt like it, without thinking at all about your feelings. He had a nerve to tell you you should feel sorry for this other woman because she is "devastated" since she could not have YOUR husband. What a horrible, disgusting person this man is. I am sorry to use such strong expressions but I cannot help it, I feel such strong resentment towards people like this man, who are capable of treating others around them with such disrespect. This man is extremely self-centered and selfish person.
Same seems to go to his lover. That woman had no respect or sympathy for you and your child, she only thought about herself and her own desires.She wanted something (your husband) and felt she was entitled to have him, no matter what. She did not think of your feelings when she lived with him for a month. As a woman she should have understood the hell she put you through when she did that. But it seems she simply did not care.
However, regarding this other woman we must keep in mind that we have no idea what kinds of stories your husband has told her about you. He may have told her all sorts of nasty things, distorting things and making himself appear as some kind of an innocent victim, caught in a bad marriage. Dear Friend, you must accept that you will most likely never know the truth about that matter. So it is best you no not make yourself feel miserable thinking what he might or might not have told her. In the end of the day the personality of this other woman is not so important in terms of the big picture, it was the behavior of your husband that has destroyed your relationship. He is responsible of everything that has happened. Even if this other woman was as cold and self-centered as he is, it will not make him less responsible of what has happened. Dear Friend, always remember that this situation is NOT your fault. You did NOT cause this. HE did. This is all his doings. You are not to blame of any of this. Never forget that.
If you let him keep treating you like this, you will lose your self-esteem. Dear Friend, now you still have a chance to walk out of this situation maintaining your dignity and self-esteem. You said your husband wants to stay as close friends (what a ridiculous request after what he has done to you). Do not let him tell you what to do. Do not let him dictate your life any longer. Make your own decisions and SHOW him you are making them. Write to him email telling that you do not want to have any contact whatsoever with him after how he has been he treating you. Make it clear this is not negotiable, Then stick with your words, do not give in to temptation to be in contact with him. I know it is hard, especially in the beginning, but you can do it, you are stronger than you think! If you have a weak moment, return to this page and re-read your own letter and my reply. That will give you strength to stay strong.
Dear Friend, I strongly recommend you to file for divorce immediately and also to tell him that. That will help you to maintain your self-esteem. Do not wait until he is filing for the divorce. That way you would feel more miserable. Also make sure you realize that at this point it is not an option to continue marriage, so it is only a question of when to put the papers in. Why should you wait any longer? This man is not going to change. The sooner you get him fully out of your system, the better for you. Do not let him fool you and lure you back into relationship. Always remember that this person does not love you. If he loved you, he would not treat you this way. He is playing with you. As you said, he wants to keep you in reserve so that he can time to time return to you, if he wants to. Do not let him have his "toy" (you). Take control of your own life and of the situation. When you do that, you will feel better, because you know that YOU are making the decisions, not him, he cannot control you anymore. You will feel stronger when you feel you are controlling your own life and eventually that helps you to recover faster.
After doing these things the only thing remaining is to heal your mental wounds. You must slowly learn to accept that you were in love with a person who did not actually exist. The true man was cold and evil, a heartless mental abuser. It will take a while, but sooner than you now think you will start to realize how much happier you are without this negative person in your life. The most important thing to remember is that if you go back to him, things will NOT get better, they only get worse. If you remember this, you can better fight the temptation to get back together with him.
To read more about how to get over cheating and narcissism, please visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism.
Stay strong. Warm hug,
Maria
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
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So I found my husbands lover in m...