Dear Maria,

Thank you for your website. I had a relationship with a narcissistic person. Not a long relationship but very wounding. He was also my therapist.

He was recommended to me by my workplace. At my work they were worried of my suicidal thoughts and desires (not real plans, I just didn't have any desire to live, even more so now, after him). I had 10-year marriage with an alcoholic, both of my parents tried to commit suicide during the worst time of my marriage and I tried to support them all, my husband, mother, father. My brother tried to commit a suicide. My aunt committed suicide. My fathers stepfather was a pedophile and abused my aunts, neighbor's daughter, and I am convinced he did it to me as well. These were the things I wanted to go through in the therapy and I wanted help to regain the desire to live.

I went to the therapist on 2009. The therapist took the initiative and approached me in a romantic way from the very early stage of our "therapy" contact (eventually after some touching on an earlier stage he asked me to kiss him on the third week of our therapy). Eventually things went how they went. I really fell in love with him and trusted him fully. I trusted him in all and everything. Even more than that.

This is a long story and my past has something to do with why I fell in love with him. I really would like to have strength to write you about it and have some comments from you, but it is just so painful. How he took one word of truth from another person's story, wrapped around it a story of his own and then told that to me as his own experience, I guess in order to manipulate me somehow.

Briefly how it ended - I found out his ex-girlfriend wasn't as ex as he had claimed. I found out that his trip on fall 2009 due to his studies to one European city was not alone, but she was there (thanks to Facebook and other evidence I found out). They traveled together. Now I think that the studies he claimed the trip to be all about had nothing to do with it. After that I found out and realized that the "elderly aunt" he had been helping during the weekends was this same lady living in same area in our home country.

He got furious when I said I couldn't stand being in the middle of them. He insisted we continue the relationship and claimed his relationship with her is purely friendly. When I asked what she would say if I called her (I found out her telephone number) and asked her if she thinks she is dating with him. He had to admit that probably she would say yes. But still "we have no sex".

In the end of 2009 he was still offering me a "commitment" ring (not yet an engagement"), which I didn't accept, because I wanted him first to "clear out fully" the situation with that another woman. Then only three days later he was again traveling with this ex-woman - now to Africa! This trip was again supposed to be with other people, not between them two. I found out the whole truth on the same day when he was already there in the African airport. When I was questioning his discernment/judgment capacity (how to say this?) regarding that he is traveling alone with her and I should just calmly accept it, he again got so furious to me! I spoiled his holiday.

His reactions, lies, so many things fit to the description of a narcissistic person. I have talked to his ex-wife and she mentioned narcissism as well. Also her ex-fianceé used the same definition of him. And through them I discovered more lies he had told me as well as to them during his relationship with them. I feel like I fell in love with a Mickey Mouse. So many things about him were just lies.

In December after I had talked with her second ex-wife and also with his ex-fiancee and when he was traveling there in Africa with his "ex"-girlfriend I allowed my work place's doctor to make a report/reclamation about him to the health center where he was working. I had printed our email discussion, text messages of my company's telephone along with some other stuff (photos, tickets etc) - these all I gave to my doctor. Also keys to his apartment (he has two apartments, one in another city, one in the city where I live) and to his car. The keys and his car I left to the doctor to give to this therapist. Early 2010 doctor of my workplace told that this man's working contract with the health center had been terminated.

Now the official process is going on. They are investigating if there are other patients like me. Ex-wife said that she knows one, but she never reported about him. The worst thing is that I still love him. I didn't want anything bad for him. He is a wonderful man, wonderful personality. Charming, intelligent - just everything I ever wanted.

I wrote to him a really nice email to ask kindly why he lied to me about the ex-wife, ex-fiancée, and most of all about the present-supposed-to-be-ex-girlfriend and the only reply was that he is sad about what had happened and would I please talk with his lawyer who is trying to take care of this thing now. And he is very worried about his career's "downward spiral" (I don't know the expression in English) since this examination is now in process due to me and my company's reclamation of him.

___________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

____________

Dear Friend,

I am so sorry to hear what you have been going through. You went to see a therapist to get help and support during a very difficult time in your life. This man saw you were broken and needed help and support. There is clearly something seriously wrong with this man. Every therapist should realize how vulnerable a patient is in that kind of a situation. This man broke all the moral and legal "rules" when he started to pursue you, instead of concentrating on helping you to heal. He seems totally unfit to his profession.

Dear Friend, I wish it comforts you a little bit to know that you have helped to stop this man from hurting other patients as he has hurt you. Even if he would not start a relationship with a patient, it is very difficult for me to believe that a man who is capable of treating other people like this would be a good therapist. I personally would never want to sit opposite to a person like that and tell him about my deepest thoughts and fears. Without your brave initiative this man would still be practicing his profession, possibly ending up hurting more people.

You wrote "He is a wonderful man, wonderful personality. Charming, intelligent - just everything I ever wanted". Dear Friend, I know this is how you feel about him, that is why you fell in love with him. It is important that you realize that what you fell in love with was not a real person. It was a dream image, something you hoped this man would be like. When you fell in love with him, you did not know him at all. He appeared to be a certain kind of a person. Later on when his true personality started to emerge you were already so much in love with him that it was difficult for you to see the warning signs. This is very natural and it happens to most of us when we fall in love: We often fail to see anything negative in the target of our love.

Dear Friend, I know you miss this man so very much. But if you put yourself into a position of a neutral outsider and read your own letter, you will understand that this man was actually a cold, dishonest and simply an extremely unpleasant person. He lied to you about many things and not just to you, but also to his ex partners. You caught him literally cheating on you when you discovered he went to Africa with his ex girlfriend, and he had the nerve to start to shout to YOU about it, telling you "spoiled his holiday". What a horrible, disgusting person this man is. I got so angry on your behalf when I read your letter. This man must be a horrible therapist. He felt no empathy towards you, he simply did not care what his betrayal and cruelty will do to you. He has let you down in so many ways.

If you start to see him as he really is, it will be easier for you to let go of him. You are not in love with a cruel, cold-hearted person who is treating you this badly, who is lying to you and is deliberately hurting you. You are in love with a dream image of this person. Even if you got back together with this man, things could never be the same again as they were in the beginning of your relationship. That dreamlike period will never return, simply because that person was not real, it was just a mask, hiding the real man who is unpleasant and dishonest. If you got back together with this man, he would only betray your trust and hurt you again.

Please do not feel guilty of turning him in to authorities. You did the right thing. You were not the first woman with whom he has started an inappropriate doctor-patient relationship, and you would certainly not have been the last. You did the right thing when you exposed him. By doing so you have helped to prevent him from hurting other women in the future.

Dear Friend, you have been going through some very difficult things in your life. I wish you have now found another, better therapist, who can help you to deal with the painful things in your past. Please do not stay alone. A professional can help you to deal with everything that has happened and to recover. You were unlucky to meet this kind of a horrible person when you went to see a therapist last time. It would be no wonder if this negative experience has made you suspicious towards male therapists. Perhaps you should consider asking to see a female therapist. You might be able to connect better with a woman in this situation. Please do not abandon the idea of seeing a therapist after having this unpleasant experience with this man. Dear Friend, I truly believe you will benefit greatly from seeing a professional. A professional can help you to regain your mental balance and happiness. You deserve so much better than what this man has provided you with.

Thank you for writing to me. Please feel free to do so anytime in the future. You are not alone. Dear Friend, You will get through this. Do not let this man destroy you. He has already done enough. Now it is time for you to let go of him, like water under the bridge. You are now on your way towards a happier life, the kind of life this dishonest and deceitful person could never have given you.

To read more about how to get over cheating and narcissism, please visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism.

Warm hug,

Maria

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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Comments (3)

• |2012-01-19 13:50:08 Amber Green  - Terrible
  Did you report him to the state licensing board and the APA (American Psychological Association)? I have dealt with a psychologist with a personality disorder in the past and it's terrible. However, my situation was different in that there was no romantic relationship. I reported this unethical person to the above two organizations and he lost his license. I believe firmly that this man you speak of would also not be allowed to practice anymore.
  
  I'm so sorry this happened to you. It wasn't your fault. I can't stress enough that you did nothing wrong and that you're better off without him.
  
  I hope you're doing okay!
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• |2010-04-27 19:23:13 Mary Rose  - Narcissistic Therapist
  I am incredibly sorry to read your story. On a number of levels this is appalling- i am a therapist working with survivors of abuse and fully understand the vulnerability inherent in the therapeutic relationship especially for abuse survivors who have had their ability to trust badly damaged in the past. Further as i myself am a survivor of a narcissistic relationship i can identify with your grief at loosing what you thought was a man who represented 'everything you wanted. I had exactly the same experience of -ex girlfriends supposedly being 'just friends' and being driven mad by lies and stories. This man is a cruel, sadistic person. Narcissistic people seem to have an ability to read and exploit vulnerability in potential lovers it is bad enough an ordinary person treating you like that but a therapist has been specifically trained and is in a very powerful position. Its great that you were able to report him and make sure he doesn't harm any more women.
  You will eventually recover
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• |2010-04-11 14:52:57 M  - Thank you
  Thank you Maria for your reply. Intellectual level I understand the things like they really are - that it all was just lies covered with lies, but emotionally it is still hard to let it go. He painted a beautiful picture of himself as a man I have always needed and wanted and to understand that it was not more than imagination, is hard.
  Thank you still for the very sobering thoughts of your letter.
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