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Hello Maria,
I thoroughly appreciate your site. A friend shared it with me when I asked her if she thought my husband might be a Narcissist. Here is my story, perhaps you can offer feedback and you have my permission to post it on your site.
Married my handsome and charming husband 7 months after meeting online. He swept me off my feet, and it was just an incredible feeling knowing that I'd found my soulmate. People envied our relationship in the first few years, as we were the "perfect couple." After about three years, I started to feel unhappy but was not sure why. When I read back through my journals, I can pinpoint a day back then when I said "something is changing, and I don't know what." It seemed that suddenly he was less into me, less interested in having me along with him when he went out for gigs (he's a performer.) I felt that I was being relegated to stay home and take care of his kids from his previous marriage. I thought it was my fault.
We moved away from our hometown shortly after that realization, because I thought that moving away would be a fresh star for us, away from his ex-wife, and just going on an adventure. The move did not turn out as I'd hoped. He has gone through a series of jobs, and we have had much financial turmoil. And... these past several years he had gotten more and more distant, mocking, and unpleasant to be around. In my journals I would write over and over "what is wrong with me? why do I feel so alone even though I was married? It never occurred to me that it was him. When I started to suspect it was his issue was when I noticed that even though he was so dismissive of me, and yet so controlling, but still whined that I wasn't making HIM feel loved enough or wanted. Then one day I discovered that he'd been looking at online personals on several sites, and found out that there was a woman he'd corresponded with when he met me, that he thought he was in love with. The facade started to crumble.
 I told him back then (a few years ago) that I was leaving. He begged me to stay, and was so emotional. So instead of my leaving, he found a job and moved back to our hometown ahead of me. He failed at that job and we ended up back where we moved several years ago. Once again, I tried to make it work, but finally told him I was unhappy and leaving him. He became distant and aloof, and talked about how he couldn't wait to be with other women, and about his new life. This was his response to the end of our marriage... talking about how fun his new life would be. And, he was already looking at women online. We were stuck here in our house, trying to sell it and having no money for either of us to leave. We were completely civil, and he kind of turned things around to be that I wasn't leaving him, but it was mutual because he wasn't happy either (so he didn't look like a failure.) But through all of that we'd agreed that neither of us would see other people, or do anything like that because we were still married and living together, and possibly working things out.
That all changed one day when I found a secret email account he'd started. I had started to feel suspicious when he was constantly checking his email, and cleaning his history fanatically. He became more cold toward me, and started sleeping in the guest room. One day he announced that he's taking off his wedding ring because it's time for us to move on. When I'd asked him if he was corresponding with someone, or doing something that would hurt me if I found out, he said "no way!" He EVEN swore on his dog's life, his mother and grandmother's life that he was being truthful. (you know where this is going, don't you?) Once again, after I'd found the evidence, I asked him if he was being honest. Maria, he looked me STRAIGHT in the eye and swore that he was NOT doing those things, then had the nerve to get angry at me for asking!
After that I found more emails because I'd discovered the password to the secret account. He had tracked down a high school girlfriend from 30 years ago and was professing his love for her, telling her that she was the only soulmate he'd had but he blew it with her, and basically dissing our marriage, and comparing me and his ex-wife to her (in a bad way.) They were making a date to meet again after not seeing each other since just before we'd married, etc. She is in an unhappy marriage, and the two of them were going on and on together about being their "true love." One day, I read an email that somehow just snapped in me... he said "if my wives knew how I felt about you all these years, they'd be so jealous!" I lost it. I called him as he left work and told him I knew about her, and how I felt about him.
 He came home that night and cried (but no tears!). He begged me to take him back and forget that we were splitting up. He said he'd had an epiphany and realized that all of the ways he'd been aloof and unkind to me were because he couldn't face his own failures, and that his conversations with that ex-girlfriend were just "writing to myself to make myself feel better" and he meant it at the time, but didn't really mean it. He just couldn't bear to lose me now, and always thought in the back of my mind that even if I left, I'd still be around if he changed his mind or something. I agreed to try again. He wrote an email to that woman and told her he was in love with his wife and told her what he'd told me, and it was a mistake. I actually felt badly for her because he just blindsided her with that news, when they were in the middle of talking about what their first date would be.
Now that this has happened, I find myself feeling uneasy again. Yes, he's professed his love again, and promised to be a better person to me. But I still have this nagging feeling inside. I can't describe it. I should be thrilled that he's changed his ways (according to him), and that he's had this insight, but I can't quite forget what he wrote to her, and maybe I'm not sure that I believe him (or that he even knows the truth about his feelings.)
I started researching Narcissism, and started to wonder if his romantic intensity for me in the beginning, then losing interest, then finding that ex-girlfriend and even using the same lines on her that he did on me, then getting busted by me and suddenly throwing all of his focus onto winning me back and dumping her so abruptly, is indicating Narcissism.
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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
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Dear Friend,
Thank you for your email. It sounds like you are indeed dealing with a narcissistic person. There are many elements in your story that support this assumption. For example, you mentioned your husband got angry when you (correctly) accused him of cheating. If a person is innocent, usually there is no reason to get angry unless groundless accusations occur very often. One possible indicator that a person is in fact not being completely honest is the kind of rage you described in your email. Your husband knew he was lying and tried to mislead you by getting excessively angry in order to direct your attention away from the actual matter.
 You also mentioned how your husband started to describe to you how "wonderful" his life will be once you are out of the picture, how he is waiting to meet "all the new women" as a single man. That is very cruel talk from his part. Even if two people decide to go apart, there is no reason to deliberately insult and hurt the other person. If your husband truly cared for you, he would not deliberately hurt you by saying things he knows will make you feel sad.
On the other hand, you said it was you who initiated the separation. That must have been a huge blow to your husband's ego. Under those circumstances, people often say things they regret afterward. But even if your husband was saying those things in "the heat of the moment", there are so many other elements in your story that give a reason to believe your husband is strongly narcissistic.
You said your husband wrote to his ex girlfriend "if my wives knew how I have felt about you, they would be so jealous". This kind of a sentence is complete nonsense. If it is true that your husband got married twice and stayed married for a long time while he was constantly thinking of his old girlfriend, he would have to be quite simple-minded and, allow me to say this, stupid individual.
A woman once wrote to me saying she felt so bad when her husband told her he had been unhappy for the last 20 years they had been married. The fact is that anyone who stays for years with someone and is feeling "miserable" all that time but is never uttering a word until the relationship has ended, has only himself or herself to blame. If one is not happy but is not doing anything to change the situation, one should not put the blame on other person after the relationship has ended. The people who visit my website are different in this aspect: They know there is something wrong in their relationship and they are actively trying to understand the nature of the problem and find a solution.
Your husband wrote to his ex girlfriend "if my wives knew how I feel about you, they would be so jealous". This part of the sentence is another indicator that your husband is indeed narcissistic. According to his thinking, his wives would automatically be devastated if they could no longer be together with him, the Perfect Man. The way a narcissist forms his or her sentences is often giving a narcissist away. This is a good example. It was completely pointless to say something like that to ex girlfriend. The whole sentence was simply insignificant and strange. In fact, if I was his ex girlfriend and I would read a sentence like that, it would make me feel very uncomfortable and certainly would alarm me to observe other signs that might imply I am dealing with an individual who is very self-centered.
 You described how your husband panicked when you found out about the emotional cheating and immediately concentrated all his energy and focus into getting you back. This kind of a behavior is also typical for a narcissist. As long as your husband felt he was in control of the situation (meaning that he was the one to decide whether to be with you or with the other woman) he felt strong, but as soon as he lost that "advantage" and it seemed that you would actually make the decision for him (you told him you would leave him), he panicked. When your husband realized he was no longer in control, he started to take the necessary steps to regain the lost control.
Also the way your husband disregarded the ex girlfriend in a blink of an eye after making her first believe they shared something special indicates your husband is a very self-centered person. He is not capable of putting himself into another person's position. What he claimed to be the reason for him writing to ex girlfriend is simply rude. He said that he wrote to her only to make himself feel better. It is all about him. If what your husband says is true, he was simply using the ex girlfriend for his own selfish purposes, without caring at all about her feelings. On the other hand if your husband is lying to you when he says he didn't mean what he wrote to his ex, that means your husband is dishonest and untrustworthy. Both options are quite unpleasant from your point of view.
There are many things in your story that indicate this man has strong narcissistic tendencies. Please read this response I wrote regarding the definition of narcissism and the evolution of selfishness: Different levels of narcissism.
Some of the points that make me believe your husband is narcissistic are the following: (Click the link below to read the rest of this reply).
>> CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST OF THIS REPLY <<
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Dear Friend, I wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide to do. Thank you for sending your story. Please feel free to write to me whenever you feel like it. My thoughts are with you.
To read more about how to get over cheating and narcissism, please visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism.
Warm hug,
Maria
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
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Stories - Narcissism 
) I LOVED YOUR STORY
So I found my husbands lover in m...
This behavior between my ex and me went on for 22 mos he tell me to leave and i would leave and he call and want me home with him and i always go back like a puppet on a string i allowed him to control me and i hate that the most out of this expience with him he would emotionally abuse me and mentally the most I do things for him that he never do for me I lost my self being with him he never appreciated me at all and i realize it today he was so self center and everything he wanted done had to be done right now it didn't matter what you was doing he expect u to cater to his needs at that very momment I truly did care for him i thought i could help him overcome his illness but he was to far gone for me to save him he was a very mean person but he was that way just around me and we mostly would be alone went he acted up and have his bipolar fits I lost my job my security went i get old and the jeep i had been paying for because the bank came and took it to resale it I loved my jeep and i blame my self not trying hard enough to try and keep it instead i listen to him and look at my life now unemployed for almost 2 yrs now just because i listen to my heart that said you can change him But listen ladies you can't help a person that don't think that there nothing wrong with them Now since we have broken up since Easter of this yr it been almost 6 wks i have cried till i can't crie no more i call him but he won't answer my phone calls i wrote him letter in the mail but still no respone So i realize if he did want me back and we made up I know in my heart that he wouldn't get help for his self and i still be going threw hell with him sorry for using the H word but it the truth am trying to distant my self from him and stay away but my heart in so much pain missing being around him