Hi Maria,  

I am just listing some of the traits my partner had and trying to put them together to make some sense out of the things he did and said.

1. He was obsessed with his looks and would always ask if he was better looking than other guys that I knew or guys we saw when we were out.
2. He would either storm out of a club or sit and sulk if I paid attention to anyone else when we were out.
3. He would time me if I went to the toilet when we were at a club and then accuse me of being somewhere else.
4. He would fly into rages of yelling and swearing if I slightly insulted him and usually by the end of the night would revert to sulking and not speaking.
5. He would always wear bright t-shirts and jump up and down or yell and dance stupid to attract attention when out.
6. He would put in silly fake vampire teeth or silly wigs when out and walk up behind people to scare them.
7. A pimple on his face could ruin his day he would carry on and on about it as if he had a terrible disease.
8. A scratch on his car or on any any of his belongings would start him in a rage as did misplacing something like an item of clothing.
9. He would reminisce about things from the past with such clarity as if they were yesterday he had a memory like you wouldn't believe down to conversations he had years ago.
10. He always wanted to go back to good times in his life and always asked why things changed. When I said we move on we get older he said 'Not me, I'm Peter Pan'.
11. He has nick names for everyone he meets and silly sayings he says over and over he gets a kick out of people copying his sayings.
12. He tells me all the time how all his friends think he is the life of every party. He shows off in front of his friends but as soon as he is bored he will just leave wherever he is without telling anyone, having everyone looking for him and worrying.
13. At a recent Bucks night with strippers he tried to get all the guys to leave with him, saying it was boring and crap, when they wouldn't leave he threw food at the strippers.
14. He was always down and depressed about something, or something someone has said. A slight insult from someone can have him in bed for the day with a huge headache.
15. Nothing excites him, he is bored with everything. He says its because he already knows in his head what something is like before he has seen it or been there and so actually seeing it is not new to him.
16. Who finds Disneyland boring!! Only him he said it was just like he imagined and so wasn't excited to be there.
17. Lives on fantasies of things he wishes he could be or do.
18. Would compliment me non stop but then say something to put me down in the next breath.
19. Bought me gifts all the time but would ask continuously if I liked them even months later would accuse me of not liking something he had bought for me.
20. Gifts I bought him were put away in a cupboard or left at my house for months.
21. Asked me on several occasions if i thought he was unique, said he believes he was put on this earth to do something special.
22. One night his 5 year old son was mucking around, keeping him awake at bed time, he waited till his son son was asleep then jumped on him to scare him said it was to pay him back.
23. Would laugh every time his son hurt himself.
24. Laughed at other peoples misfortune, but didnt laugh much at any other time, didn't understand normal jokes you would have to explain them to him and still he didn't understand them.
25. Would have tantrums if he had to wait in a queue or walk out of a restaurant if he wasn't served immediately.
26. Would sit with his hand on the horn if traffic wasnt moving saying roadworks should be done at other times than when he was on the road.
27. Bought a convertible car drove it up and down the street music blaring, saying look at everyone looking at me, no-one has a car like me.
28. Would stand away from his car out of sight and watch peoples reaction to his roof going up and down on his car.
29. Had a drawer of magic tricks, like toys that gave you electric shocks, one day told me to close my eyes he had a surprise for me then blew a horn in my ear.
30. Said that his ex wife always said he was perfect.
31. Would argue for hours on end to make someone agree with him, would walk out if he couldn't. I someone agreed with him just to stop the arguing he would say at last they finally realized they were wrong.
32. Told me I should always take his side on anything no matter what, whether it be against my friends or family I should value him first.
33. Swore on his life that he never lies ever, threatened many times to drive off a cliff if i didn't believe what he told me.

I could keep going forever, there were so many things that it is hard for me to remember them all, I only saw this man for 18 months but my life was turned upside down, he destroyed my job, tried to make me cut contact with my friends. I have told him to stay away from me and so far he has it has been 5 weeks now but I hear he is bad mouthing me to anyone he can. Will this stop, will he truly leave me alone, is he a narcissist or just not a normal person, Thank you for any advice you can give me.

__________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. If you wish to read more about me, please visit page Site Overview.

__________

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your email. I am sorry you have been through all this. You asked whether this man is a narcissist or just not a normal person. It is very difficult to say whether someone is a narcissist or not without knowing the person well. However, based on everything you said in your letter, this man definitely sounds like a water-proof narcissist. You said he cannot take criticism and would become extremely angry if you tried to point out some flaws in him. This is very typical behavior for a narcissist. A narcissist views himself or herself as omnipotent, perfect creature and therefore interprets all criticism, even constructive and helpful comments as vicious attacks.

Everything you say about this person implies strongly that he is a text-book narcissist. But in the end the exact diagnosis is not important. No matter what is the name of his problem, the fact is that this man is very rude, cold and generally simply very unpleasant human being. You have definitely done the right decision when you left him.

You said you saw this man for 18 months. Even thought it is a long time, there are many people who have stayed with a narcissistic person much longer than that before they have finally given up on a narcissist and started to pursue their own happiness. By that time the mental wounds are much deeper, even though they will still heal with the time. The brain has an amazing ability to repair itself after being wounded for example by stress and depression. To read more about how to heal after experiencing a damaging relationship with a narcissist, visit page Learn to Control Your Emotions. I am glad you have gotten out of a toxic relationship this early.

Based on your email I get the feeling that your narcissistic ex has made your life miserable when you were with him and due to this you no longer have any desire to return back together with him. If this is true, you can consider yourself lucky, because often the most difficult part in the process of detaching from a narcissist is to maintain No Contact. The mental hooks a narcissist has embedded into the brain of the "victim" can be buried so deep that often person ends up getting back together with a narcissist several times, until finally finds the strength to leave for good. If you do not have a strong desire to get back together with your narcissistic ex that is a great start for the healing process.

You said your narcissistic ex has been bad-mouthing you to people. That is unfortunately what narcissists often do after separation. That is the only way a narcissist can maintain a flawless image of himself or herself. When it comes to a narcissist, the fault is always in someone else. If a narcissist would think anything different, the integrity of the mind of the poor creature would be jeopardized.

Luckily the people who know you do not buy his stories, they know who you are and their view of you is not going to be altered by anything your narcissistic ex will say. Some people might believe him, but the opinion of the people who are not close to you makes no difference to your life. I know it is not pleasant to think that your narcissistic ex is talking negative things about you, but try your best to ignore that. In the end it does not matter what he says, the most important thing is that you are now free and you can continue your life without the depressing shadow of your narcissistic ex looming over you.

If he tries to contact you, continue on the good path you have chosen and ignore him completely. That is the only way your narcissistic ex will eventually leave you alone. If you get sucked back into his world in a form of email exchange, phone calls etc, he will continue to view you as a source of a narcissistic supply and it will take much longer for you to get rid of him. Try your best not to be in any kind of contact with him and eventually he will leave you alone.

Thank you for writing to me. Your story will help others to recognize a narcissist and a mental abuser sooner if they are in a relationship with one. Dear Friend, you have done the right thing by leaving, there is no question of that!

Warm thoughts,

- Maria

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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Comments (15)

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• |2011-08-19 07:31:55 iamana  - 25+ years
  Hello, I remember thinking day after day, we have such a great life, we travel and have a beautiful home and our kids go to private school, we make a lot of money, he loves me...so why does it take a fist full of pills for me to be able to get out of bed and go to work? I still feel like sh&% every day. (ps, I am a mental health professional!)
  The abuse of a N can be so insidious, so undermining, so eroding to the very core of your soul, you don't even know what's happening. You blame yourself because they have brainwashed you into thinking that you are the one who makes them upset. "If I could just explain it to you, then you wouldn't get upset..."everything in life was done in an effort to try to prevent an explosion of rage. which of course, was impossible, because it has nothing to do with me or the kids or anything else because we don't matter. Its not like every day he was a beast. That's why it took so long to figure out. Its covert, sneaky little sarcastic "digs" that don't sound like much but they eat away at your core over 20 years like a pebble in your shoe that wears a sore that can never heal. Death by a thousand little cuts. You just never know which husband you're gonna meet. It's all about him.
  I figured it out while in the bathroom of the local ER while there for an episode of chest pain. There was a little card from the local Women's Shelter about abuse. The term "Isolation from friends or family" hit me and I started to cry, sitting on the toilet. OMG.
  
  The hardest part was after I left 2.5 yrs later, when I came to understand that there will never be that sense of "closure" even with divorce, because there was nothing to close. There never was a relationship. I loved, but he never loved. The foundation of my entire adult life was an illusion. He was incapable. Some will say, "oh, that's harsh..." no, Ns do not have the ego structure for empathy or to reach outside themselves enough to engage in what is necessary for real love. Look at behavior, not their words. Does their behavior resemble ANYthing that looks like love? They can mimic the words and postures to save face in public, but that's it, then they explode in private. I hope that is helpful to some. It took me 20 yrs to figure it out, 2.5 more to leave and 2 more after that to divorce. I never went back, but the depression was crippling and I couldn't make myself go through the process any faster. He wasn't paying me, so he didn't care. I will come out ahead in the end, according to my lawyer- divorce almost done. Love to you all, be safe.
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• |2011-02-14 05:37:36 Anonymous
  Alot of the thing your husband did, my future to be exhusband did to me too. I am amazed of their pathological techiniques to abuse their spouses.
  Where do they learn to do so much evil and create such a demonic control? After your learn of this personality disorder you are able to diagnose the problem clearly as their behavior is very distinct. For many years this people were called jerks, jigolos, womanizers, sex addicts, commitmentphobes, machos, abusers.. today all this symptoms are summed up to Narcissism which is Self entitlement and lack of empathy. They have a genuine uninterest in your life & your needs. He can only view you as an object and when you no longer provide his needs.. he will find it somewhere else.. he will b/c he nust have his narcissistic supply.
  I think we see this problem more often in man b/c mothers can be very funny about having a son.
  I hate that, but as modern as we think we are compared to other countries.. some mothers show more favoritism on their sons than their daughters
  Some mothers use their sons as their pseudohusbands when husband not playing their role. We are ALL born Narc, in our sinful nature.. but our parents are the one's who teach us to share, to say "I am sorry", to give nd sacrifice. If the parents were not taught that.. they continue the curse..
  My husband relationshio with his mom was nauseating. She told me he was perfect.. he was the golden child.. despite here is going thru the second divorce. She is this naty type lady who would defend his child even if he commits murder. She screwed him up.. She created a monster. He suffers depression, he can't feel happy, passion for life..has no ambition. He has a steady job but all he thinks is when he retires
  and he's only 35.
  My husband also started to talk to people like when going to the dry cleaning, making friendships at work.. people I never met... and who knows what he said about me. It was leaving a double life. He never had time to spend it with me. You are there for him so he can put you down and he can feel better. Yes, he will find things to put you down... b/c no one is perfect.. the fact is that the rules only apply to you. He is perfect and uncapable of any wrong doing. My husband was also extrmely rude with common courtesy. In the past 2 years of marriage I told him not to give me any gift.. b/c he treated me so bad... that a gift meant nothing for me. I can by gift with money.. but I can't buy love. I am counting the days for my divorce. I got married until 31 waiting for the right person.. he came wrapped in Bible paper.. and he was Legion from Hell. He was a tormenting spirit. How you feel is normal. One website described that going through this experience can cause Post traumatic distress syndrome. It is very stressful and you are in survival mode.
  Is like when police enformcement try to make the criminal crazy, they do the same. Walking on egg shells every single day is a living hell and crazy. Something will happen to you eventually at all levels of your health (emotionally, physcially & spiritually)
  I am glad I didn;t have a child, I always thought a child would bring love in his heart that a woman couldn't make him expereince
  but i have learned through reading and going to Recovery programs (like divorce care) that they are also nasty with their children too.
  They will betray anything that gets in their way.
  The world should revolve around them with their rules.
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• |2011-01-20 22:36:24 Jodie  - I cant do this anymore
  its getting to hard to hang in there, been hanging in there for 17yrs and NOTHING is better it gets
  worse as each day passes, I feel that he is not in love anymore, I dont feel wanted, I only feel used,
  he doesn't touch me, kiss me, talk to me, hold my hand, sit next to me, he yells, screams, throws things and calls me the worst names ever, the one I hate the most is " CUNT", the ONLY name he HAS NOT called me is a whore, other than that he has it covered, he never gives me credit for anything, doesn't allow me in the living rm or the dinning room with my laptop, he says there is nothing wrong with him, he will never admitt it, everything is my fault, he took a cut in pay at work 4.00 an hour cut, but its my fault we have no money, when he cooks he only cooks for himself, he doesn't help with household chores, he doesn't do the holidays, he never went to the schools < we raised 4 kids>he wont go to the store with me or for me but he sure will go to the same store EVERYDAY for "coffe" but knows EVERYTHING about the woman whom works there, including how many cars she has the make and modle and how many kids she has, if I am with him, depending on who is working in that store depends on where he parks my truck...I just cant do this, but he has all the control of everything, I have no life, no friends and I have no money, I cant move because I dont even have money to get to the store for a soda pop. He sucks the life from me each day, everyday before work he is mean hateful and degrading to me, sucks the life out of me then goes on to work like nothing then comes home and acts as if nothing happened that morning..SEX? there is none, if there is he likes to watch porn" with me", he wants oral sex more than anything, once he kicked me in the bed and said " if you roll your worthless ass over here I might let you suck my dick"..he has cheated and just the other day I asked if he was having an affair, He got mad" said No, but now I will be"..no matter the day, time , question or how you ask him, he is mean and hateful with his answers with a mean look upon his face... I want to speak with him about what I found on Narcissism, I cant figure out how to bring it up or when, but it doesn't matter because talking to him is never a goodtime. People either think this way of him " he has a mental problem" or " there is no way, he is so sweet and well mannerd" I just tell them "he's fake", he put everyone down, not himself but everyone he comes in contact with only he does this behind their backs never to their face.
  I walk on egg shells sit on pins and needles, have panic attacks ALOT, I have a headache EVERYDAY, I worry that I will "get in trouble" if I go to bed to late, if all the chores are not done, if I spend to much money buying grocies , I have a fear of asking him to pick up anything at a store for me, to ask him for money, He doesn't wear his wedding ring anymore, after 17 yrs he took it off in Nov saying he is not going to wear it until I learn to get along with him.
  I have no money whatsoever to buy anything that relates to Narcissism, all I can do is read what I find about it and wish I could get him to read about it, see a Dr about it or even be willing to know there is something wrong with him...this is a man that turned 45 yesterday and he will NEVER read anything about this, he wont get help so I have to help myself and that's try to hid money someplace to get out of here and have some sort of life of my own for what time I have left in this world......
  I wish I could find the 1st page I found on you, I was looking for mental abuse, to get help for it and get out of here when I came across a page on you and your husband, it decribed my husband word for word to a "T", that's the one I want to read him, but I cant find it again, you are in a photo to the left in a black shirt, you speak of how everyone told you to leave your husband, you explained how a Narcissistic acts, and that you desided to help your husband and I have search and researched and cant find that page again, it made the most sense and gave more info on how the "abuser" acts torwards the "victim" if you know what page I am speaking of, could you please forward it to me?
  Thank you so much, its good to know what is wrong with him other than to say " he's an asshole"
  Jodie
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• |2010-03-22 03:24:45 mia  - help!!!
  I have a 9 month old son with a N and he is horrible! I have never feared anyone in my life. I feel I will never get away because we have a child he told me he is going to make my life hell the next 18 years! I am so lost! Please help me!
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• |2010-02-03 22:55:25 cheryl  - narcissists will drive you crazy
  I have been married for 13 long years to what i suspect is a narcissist husband. He seems to fit almost all the criteria i have read about. What is really crazy is that it took me a good 9 years to start figuring things out, before that i had no idea what was going on. Every little issue turned into blownout warfare.
  
  As i think back to the beginning i now realize there was so much disrespect and brutal rages. I would be completely under attack, which i admit i didn't take to very well. I just didn't realize from what he was saying to me was coming from. My husband based my worth as a human being, my worth as a wife, on how much sex we had. God forbid a few days go by he would end up in a fit of rage bashing me verbally and emotionally. He would then call everyone, his parents included, even my mom or my friends and tell them what a ,and i quote, horrible, awful wife i am. What a horrible person i am. Forgetting that we have one son together and i have one from a previous relationship, and he worked afternoons from 3pm to 3am and then slept till 1 pm that the kids were totally my responsibility. Forgetting that i also work part time. I had lunch and dinner ready for him by 3 before work, cleaned worked outside and i used to look forward to having fun with my husband.
  
  Anyways, i haven't read much about men like this, where a person has no worth at all. Sex is love to this man and he is absolutely desperate. Even a kiss goodbye before work has to be a totally sexual moment. He think i have made no contributions to this family and i deserve nothing. He always reminds me that all his family and friends hate me and i have done nothing to them where i should be hated. Its the way he talks about me but he says no, its what they see, and there not here most of the time to see anything.
  
  From the beginning after marriage he threatened to divorce me, in a rage, of course. He did twice produce a gun and say he was going to kill himself, i couldn't reason with him at all. He called the police on himself and of course they took him away and when he came back he told me that the people at the hospital felt sorry for him after he told them what a horrible person he lived with, a woman that can not love her husband. I have sat in jail twice for dv. After the first time he thought he had me because i told him what a horrible experience it was, so many times after that he would threaten to call the police when we were arguing and i would flee the house afraid they would take me again. No concern for the kids only his anger mattered. He closes bank accounts and takes all the money out on more that one occasion and then the one time i go to the bank and take half out, i now cannot be trusted, and we have separate accounts, i have no access to the bulk of the bill paying money.
  
  He filed for divorce twice to get my attention, he said. The second time he was having a online affair with someone from Nigeria, yea where all the scams come from, he moved out, left us high and dry, got a apartment and was planning on sending for this person. I read some of his emails to this person and it was all about sex and nothing about getting to know someone, nothing at all. Unfortunately he came back and i fell for it. He can be so much the person i want sometimes. Well i could go on and on as you can probably tell but i wont, could you please respond to me as give me your opinion. Thank you so much.
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• |2011-01-20 23:56:22 Ann  - Cheryl
  Hi Cheryl, your life sounds like you are riding some sorta wild horse for such a long long time. Just like you I have been with partner for 20 long years 10 of those on and off until he decided he wanted to try the live together and have kids together thing (thats right he has not married me yet ha)
  
  It is not normal for us to be walking on egg shells and feel inadequate around them for doing absolutely nothing at all. You say that he can be so much the person that you want sometimes and I understand what you mean when you say that but are they really the person we want occasionally or do they act that way in order to get us how they want us and when?
  
  You know to well that the sex with this man may be fantastic but I believe that they get bored with being balanced and they create drama for themselves just to blame petty things on others. The sex with my partner is out of this world, but I realize today after trying so many times over and over again (affairs later) that in order for me to move on the sex has to stop and I must add that it has been a few months now and I am sober to this mans sexual acts. He has no other way to control me and I have gained my control back.
  
  I am not saying that this is for anyone to try but I feel like I have personally gained some self respect back not giving myself to someone that can never appreciate me for who I am inside. I feel your pain and the eggshells that you walk on I walk on them daily too but I have woken up to realize that if this is how they love than I want out and dont want this love at all. I plan on moving when I get enough money and a car. This is my future and not trying to sleep with him when it suits him and he needs abit of loving best wishes to you...
  Ann
  xx
  
  
  
  
  
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• |2010-01-24 18:49:36 anonymous
  Maria, thank you so much for this website. I keep coming back here. This is really helping me to recover after breaking up with a narcissist. Thank you.
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• |2010-01-15 05:23:38 Janet  - It knows no boundaries !
  NPD is such a head trip ! I have had about a year exposure to a woman who is Def NPD,,she shows arrogance, envy, no boundaries, she demeans people who she sees as beneath her, she is mentally abusive, she drinks excessively and she ha s been abusive to me as a friend and a lover...This woman is so sick and the sad thing is she doesn't even recognize it as such...She is an elitist narsisist..very magnetic person,,but very abusive and treats people as objects to fill her supply . Getting away from an NPD person is crucial to maintain ones emotional and mental health,,,no one deserves to be treated without respect and that is exactly what they are capable of..I just went thru it...IT is easier to fall prey to an npd if you are in a vulnerable place in your life,,they appear so magnificant at first....Let go Let God and move on ..!
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• |2009-11-28 20:22:03 Samantha
  Thanks Maria.. yes, I think a DVD gives people the opportunity to understand what they are dealing with in a more detailed way (as reading so many different things can be overwhelming).
  The DVD can begin with the symptoms, all the Red Flags to look out for and basically, in short, what can happen to victims when exposed to the Narcisist.
  Maybe you know someone who can create a DVD?
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• |2009-11-25 22:11:58 samantha
  Thanks Maria. I am glad it is slowly being recognised as a very serious disorder. Unfortunately the ones that suffer are the loved ones associated with them. It is very serious in that the N can go under the radar without detection most of the time and isolate their victims. This makes it short of impossible to convince anyone there are people out there pretending to be human and delivering such evil.
  I am hoping someone can display this disorder on TV or DVD where people can be exposed to this knowledge more readily!
  Maybe we can create this some day?
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• |2009-11-28 03:17:04 Maria
  Dear Samantha,
  
  Yes, I totally agree with you, it is very important to spread the information. Many people do not know what narcissism is all about and are suffering in their relationship without knowing they are dealing with a narcissistic person. Your idea of DVD is very interesting! I think that would really benefit many people who are dealing with these issues.
  
  Maria
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• |2009-11-25 04:34:15 Samantha  - Signs of Narcissism and Mental Abuse
  Hi Maria, I would like to thank you for allowing this particular article to be viewed. I too have a family member who I am sure has NPD.Its time we exposed as much information as possible to save and help so many confused women living under the spell of the N.The traits mentioned above have helped me confirm my N is a Narcissist and its the first time someone has taken this disorder even further and put it under the microscope and offered such detail! Thanks again.
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• |2009-11-25 08:48:25 Maria
  Dear Samantha,
  
  Thank you for your positive feedback. When I started this website, my wish was to deliver as much information as I can to all those people out there who are suffering due to narcissism or mental abuse. I have received a huge amount of letters from people all around the planet, each telling the same story, just using different words. It seems clear that these problems (narcissism and mental abuse) are far more abundant than one imagined. There definitely is a strong demand for more information and support. Thank you again for your message. Warm thoughts, Maria
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