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Dear Maria,
To say I was surprised by your actually responding to my email, would be an understatement! I'm touched that you did. Just to repeat: I'm not sure I even speak and write English as well as you and it's my first and only language! Either way, your message comes through very well. I think that those of us involved with narcissists NEED to talk about it. We feel so crazy that we self-isolate, hide what's going on from friends and family, and learn to blame ourselves for all that is wrong. When we finally realize what's going on, the need to speak about it is overwhelming. Finally, we have proof that we are not crazy. I appreciate this opportunity to tell you some of my story. Though I must insist on anonymity because we are still living in the same house.
In my situation, it seemed as if every time I tried to gain some power back, by trying to become more independent, my husband would push me back down---but always in subtle ways. For instance, if I was feeling good about something (such as getting my art in a show or gallery), and I would voice that pride or happiness, my husband would say something like "well, it's just a small show", when what I expected to hear was "yes, good for you." There was truth to what he said, it WAS a small show; (I would think, oh, maybe he's right. Maybe it really is not as big of an accomplishment as I'd thought.) I'd go from feeling really good, to feeling really diminished--in a few short words from him. Or if I wanted to do something on my birthday and it conflicted with something he wanted to do, he would tell me I was selfish.
 It was this constant diminishing of all of my efforts (work, home, relationship), and his refusal to ever treat me in a special way, that helped me to see that there was more going on in my marriage than just simple disagreements. I just couldn't figure out what it was. The harder I tried, the further from the truth I seemed to get. (I've read a list of over ten books trying to figure it out. Everything from Should I Stay or Go? to How to Read People, to the Dark Side of the Light Chasers and everything in between. From spiritual, to self-help, to how to be a better person.)
We've been together for 27 years. It was around year 20 that I started to question what was happening to us. Prior to that, I just assumed it was all my fault. I know now, that a person with healthy self-esteem would never accept all the blame in any relationship, but I believed he loved me, and I so loved and adored him (a word I used for years when describing my feelings toward him,) that I believed him when he told me it was ALL my fault. I have lots of faults, not the least of which is being sensitive. He often blamed all of our problems on that sensitivity. "You're over-reacting" was a phrase I heard over and over for 27 years. Even if at first I questioned it, he's a spectacular "arguer." Often-times he would wear me down with hours of arguing, until I gave in just out of wishing the conversation would end. Other times, he'd attack my faults, which I knew to be true faults, and in those cases, I'd look inward for what I should have done differently. I was always willing to accept blame. Always willing to work on myself. Always willing to make changes.
In 27 years, he's never admitted to being at fault or to blame for anything. He once stepped on my toe, and instead of apologizing, he blamed me for having my toe in the wrong place! I remember at the time being surprised that he couldn't apologize for such a simple thing. The rest of us apologize for little things like that, reflexively. And yet he found it too difficult a thing to do. Who in their right mind would say that a toe was in the wrong place? But he did, and he was fine with it. In all these years, he's never apologized even in those circumstances. He has flat out told me that we wouldn't have any problems if it weren't for me!
Marriage counseling (at my insistance) was a colossal failure for us. We tried twice to no avail. Both counselors (female) fell for his charms in ways that shocked me. The first one, knew one of our main problems was his need to control our money, and still she asked me to do graphics work for her, in front of him. (Which I've since learned is an ethical boundary). The second one, was so charmed that while I cried during one of our sessions, she giggled and tossed a throw pillow toward him! I gave up. I gave him the "out" he needed by offering to stop marriage counseling if I could do therapy on my own. He agreed.
 I am financially dependent on him. I make very little money as an artist, and the odd jobs I've taken over the years have not been enough to support myself. Essentially, I needed his "approval" to continue with therapy because he had to "authorize" paying for it. I began counseling with a great therapist who helped me to get stronger. The stronger I got, the more I fought back.
When he'd try to blame me, deny saying something, or promising something, etc., I began to see our arguments for the nonsensical conversations that they were. So much so, that I began tape-recording our arguments (both openly, and secretly at different times). I was beginning to realize that the things he was saying didn't make sense, but I needed the "proof". Not for anyone else to listen to, but for me to listen to outside the heat of the argument. By re-listening to those tapes, I started to realize how he would never answer my questions, except with another question, and how he would veer off into other topics, many other topics, and two hours later we were so far removed from the original discussion that it was no wonder I felt crazy!
That's when I bought a book on verbal abuse (by Patricia Evans) It described all of the different methods verbal abusers use to avoid real conversations. It helped me to understand, in the moment, what tactics he was using to avoid staying on topic. And it helped me to argue back. If he answered a question with a question, I could see it. If he changed the topic, I could see it. If he denied saying something I knew he said--and I had on tape---then I could remind myself that he most certainly did say that. This combined with therapy started me on a path to some recovery. This is when he decided that unless I let him sit-in on my therapy sessions (to see if they were really "helping or not"), then he would refuse to pay for it any more! Of course, I refused, and my therapy ended. That was the beginning of my "re-birth". But first, I spiraled down into an abyss of anger, depression, sadness, and drinking too much. (Click the link below to read the rest of this story).
>> CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST OF THIS STORY <<
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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. If you wish to read more about me, please visit page Site Overview.
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Dear Visitor, you can read the developments in this writer's situation from the "comments" section at the end of this page (messages of "freebird"). Her story is a wonderful example of human courage! Only very few of us have the courage to do what she did. Let us give her our congratulations and our support!
Dear Friend,
Thank you for your letter and your positive feedback regarding my website. I am sorry you have been going through such a devastating relationship for such a long time. My Friend, it is never too late to get our from a negative relationship. Your story will help others to see the reality and to free themselves sooner. Thank you again for submitting your story. To read more about how you can help your mind to recover, visit page Training the Brain.
 You are clearly dealing with a man who has strong narcissistic tendencies. You wrote your husband argued with you in a car after your painful biopsy. That is incredibly insensitive and cruel behavior. However, I can understand so well why you have stayed with your husband all these years. You have been in love, and you have followed your heart, even tho you have known there is something wrong with your spouse.
Please do not blame yourself for staying with your narcissistic husband this long. There are so many people out there who have stayed with a narcissist much longer than you. Many of those people do not have the strength to leave, even tho they know the relationship is having a negative effect on their lives. I am so glad to hear you have started to read about this topic and that you now understand so much better what you are dealing with. Understanding is the key to liberation, that is the basic principle in psychotherapy. You have taken the first step towards the freedom. I recommend you to visit the page Recovery After Narcissism and Cheating to read about the methods I used to teach my mind to let go of my "addiction" to my narcissistic spouse. I believe you find them to be helpful for you. I also warmly recommend you to read this article of Regaining the Mental Balance and Happiness.
You wrote that you are financially dependent on your narcissistic husband. I understand your situation so well. It is very difficult to leave when you do not know what the future holds. There is no simple answer as to what you should do in this situation. However, we can list the pluses and minuses: (Click the link below to read the rest of this reply).
>> CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST OF THIS REPLY <<
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We all wish to have some meaning to our life. I have experienced a great satisfaction when I have been able to help others who are suffering in an abusive relationship with a narcissist. Dear Reader, you can help yourself and others who are in similar situation by sending your story to this website (you find the instructions below). You can get comments and feedback from me and other readers. Please feel free to send your story and help yourself and others to heal.
This life is too beautiful to be wasted in suffering with a narcissistic partner. Let us help each other to break free and to recover!
Warm thoughts,
- Maria
Ps. Read the developments to this story from the "comments" section below.
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
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