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Dear Maria,
I just wanted to say how wonderful your web site is for us that have suffered at the hands of narcissists. I have had N parents, N brother, N grandmother and N niece. I believe it runs in my family. I was in a 20 year marriage with four kids and left my husband for this Narcissist (who gave me tons of signs). I moved myself 600 mile to be with him and eventually moved my kids as well. We did not live together. He would not even let me spend the night!
He had nothing (it was all a sham) and I ended up supporting him with three jobs while he spent money as if he were a millionaire (MY MONEY). He could not focus on anything (as if he had ADD). He would talk in circles and you had no idea what he was talking about. He could never answer direct questions but would loop it back to some thing i did or said (I called it word salad). He was NEVER at fault. He had a thing for very young girls (it was scary to me). He was super lazy and his place looked like a pig sty (still does).
He went through all my savings and still wanted more. He did NOTHING for me. If I asked for anything he would say I was a demanding bitch and it would turn into a fight. He hates women as N's usually do. Could not even check my car and would tell me after sex that I had to leave at 3 AM and go back to my apt. He would clap his hands and tell me I had five minutes to dress and to make sure I would email him when I arrived home so he would know I was safe!!! Had super issues with his mother.
 He also wanted me to sell my home and give him half the money! My father became ill so I did move back to my home (where my {still} husband was living, hoping I would return). After a few months of being away from Narcissist (and clearing my head from the abuse and the fog he had kept me in) I did not want to return back to N and he was very angry but still would not let go of me. He would scream on the phone for four hours a day about me not selling the house and me not returning. I hung up, then he would call back all sweet and make strange child like sounds into the phone.
He would go crazy because he could not control me the way he did when I lived near him. Within a few months I had a breakdown from all the stress (I had already moved to 5 different apts because I could not pay the rent due to trying to support N). This happened over a 6 year period before I moved back to my own home. I have been in a nightmare relationship (if you wish to use that word) with an N for 9 years. We met on the Internet and he was a red flag from the beginning but I ignored all the warnings because I loved him and felt we were meant to be together. He also cheated on me and lied all the time.
My question is why are N's addicting to us? I do not have an addictive personality! I am and always was (until this happened) a very pragmatic and calm person. I worked, am educated and raised my family and had a home/ranch as well. l have a husband who loved me (yes we had some issues and some times I do think this drove me to running off with Narcissist).
Every time I break it off with N I go through withdrawal (panic) symptoms and call (beg) him back again and again. Nights and mornings are the worse and this is when we do talk on the phone most of the time. I panic when he will not answer the phone but I do not know why!! And I do not want him back. I do not want to have sex with him. He turns my stomach. (Click the link below to read the rest of this story).
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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. If you wish to read more about me, please visit page Site Overview.
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Dear Friend,
Thank you for your email. I am glad you have found my website. You have been through so much during your relationship with this man. He has been taking advantage of you in so many ways, and yet you are suffering when you think you would never again be with him. You are calling him and begging to get back together.
 Dear Friend, I know exactly how you are feeling when you are calling him, trying to get back together even after everything he has done to you. I did exactly the same thing in my relationship. Even tho I knew I should not try to get back together with my narcissistic spouse I still called him, asking him to continue our relationship. Couple times he refused to do so and I could hear the joy in his voice when he felt he was using his power over me. He got his pleasure out of the feeling of being in control. Please read my posts in this thread, they deal with this same topic and point out couple very important points regarding narcissists and their behavior in this kinds of situations: Click to read the thread.
When he felt he was in total control of the situation, he could afford to behave in a nasty way towards me. I told him I felt miserable due to his coldness, cruel words and insults, but it was like talking to a stone wall. Any normal human being would have the decency to at list be polite in that kind of situation. If I see that someone is hurting, it would not come to my mind to do things which I KNOW will hurt the person more. It was the opposite with my narcissistic spouse. He was blind to the suffering of others around him. He simply could not put himself into other person's shoes. He was incapable in that regard. It sounds like you are dealing with same kind of person. Please read this article of How to Leave a Narcissist, it gives some insights regarding the detachment process from a narcissist. I also recommend you to read this article of Controlling The Emotions.
You said that when you talk on the phone with this man, it is all about him and his life, for hours. It was exactly the same with my previous partner. He would always talk about his own life and his own achievements and dreams. He almost never asked how I was doing or what I had been up to. In addition, what was amazing to me was that he was often talking about how much people around him appreciated him. It almost sounded like a scene from a comedy: A guy with a fragile self-esteem is trying to convince himself that people around him like him. I believe that was the reason for his behavior: Extremely low self-esteem.
 When I analyze my feelings towards him, I find them to be a strange mixture of pity, loathing, love and caring. In a way he is like a big child, trying to survive in this world the best he can. Teenagers can sometimes be (totally unintentionally) extremely cruel towards their parents as they are growing up and searching for their own place in this world. In same fashion narcissists are behaving in some ways like overgrown kids who do not yet have a fully matured emotional capabilities. That is why narcissists often end up hurting people around them. It is very difficult to get mentally rid of a narcissist. If you wish to read about the methods I used to teach my brain and my mind to let go of my addiction to my narcissistic spouse, please visit page Recovery After Cheating and Living with a Narcissist.
You were wondering in your email why we are addicted to our narcissistic spouses even though they are hurting us so much. That is a very good question. There are several possible explanations. Some of us might be co-dependent and when put together with a narcissist, we become addicted to their presence very fast. But there are so many people out there who have no history of co-dependency, addictive behavior or anything like that, and yet they can become very strongly addicted to a narcissists. Why is that? Let us now examine this question. (Click the link below to read the rest of this reply).
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9 years is a long time to be with a narcissist. But you can still have a wonderful life ahead of you. It is hard to break free but if I was able to do it, I believe you can do it too. I will help you every step of the way. Please keep writing to me and let me know how you are doing. You are not alone.
Warm thoughts,
- Maria
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
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Stories - Narcissism 
you know, you can fool them too when you admire them too much wherein he cant tell you are fooling him. Heheheh, so be very good and make him feel like a King as you do your strategy. Afterwhich I called him names- hahahha. He said I was just admiring and loving him yesterday and he wonders why I am suddenly mean... I told him I was lying when I told him he was handsome and so adorable... I told him in reality he looks like a cockroach- hahaha. FOr sure it hurt is ego... 
I also fear he won't let me go, and I fear he will erase me from his mind, too. Talk about cognitive dissonance.
So I found my husbands lover in m...