|
Hi Maria,
I have been with my partner for over 13 years. I suppose I fell in love with him straight away. He had this air of independence and secrecy and he was really good looking! I was older than him by 8 years but that never seemed to bother him. When I think about it right from the start he used to leave me for days without ever saying why. He would also insist that I wasn't his 'Girlfriend' and that he was still single - even though he spent every single day with me! Once he got me living with him it started to change - he started going on about how fat I was (I was a 12 only a 12/14 now), how I couldn't do this right or how I didn't want to do things he wanted to do. He would sulk, withdraw emotionally and sexually. Over the years we have had some really good times, but interspersed with these bouts of verbal abuse and even physical at some time - throttling, throwing things, smashing doors etc. He would always blame me saying it was the way I am that caused it!
Three years ago he decided to end the relationship, no real discussion - just that it was my fault, I wanted too much out of life (I'd asked to go on holiday). We put the house for sale although we were still living in the same house. After begging him to reconsider I sort of came to terms with what was happening even though he said he still loved me and we got on really well (so long as I didn't criticize him in anyway). I started going out with friends, then I found one night he had put tracking equipment in my car and bugged my phone etc so he could hear my conversations. He accused me of affairs etc. was extremely angry and then he did leave. However, I was so shocked by this treatment, I never thought him capable of this - I thought I knew him. I stayed in the house, he decided not to sell, he kept coming round for sex and food and after two months we decided to give it another go and he moved in again.
One year after I went onto anti-depressants because I was upset all the time, couldn't sleep etc. I suppose it made me calmer, I didn't pander to all his whims anymore, if he went out I didn't go with him if I didn't want to, I did a degree, which he has never congratulated me on and I thought things were ok. I always asked him if he was happy, any problems etc. he always said yes, no problems. I am intelligent and attractive and have been told by friends to leave him but I never seem to have the strength. (Click the link below to read the rest of this story).
>> CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST OF THIS STORY <<
__________
The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. If you wish to read more about me, please visit page Site Overview.
__________
Dear Friend,
Thank you for your email. I am sorry to hear about your situation. Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I too was together with narcissist for several years and during that time narcissist was blaming me of all the problems we had in our relationship. I never had problems like that in my previous relationships, so I think it is safe to say that I was not the source of our problems. But when I was in the middle of the situation, in the "eye of the storm" so to speak, I was not able to see things clearly.
Based on what you tell about the past behavior of your spouse, his behavior sounds very similar to the behavior of my former narcissistic partner. He was also emotionally cold and distant, always criticizing other people but could not accept any criticism himself. Narcissists are often trying to control other people. Tracking equipment, phone bugging and other things you mention are forms of control narcissist is trying to exercise on you.
You said you think you still love your spouse, because you are feeling such pain. It is important that you understand the pain you are feeling is not related to the feeling of love towards your spouse. You do not really love someone who is behaving so badly towards you. Instead, what happened to you is the same thing that happened to me. As the years went by I slowly became mentally "addicted" to my relationship and to my narcissistic spouse (you can read more about the mental addiction to narcissistic spouse elsewhere on this website. I also recommend you to read about the mind control methods from the page Recovery After Cheating and Living with a Narcissist. If you are able to control your emotions it will be easier for you to break free from a narcissist). My friends told me I should leave him. Everyone said to me I could do so much better, but I thought I "loved" him and so I stayed. Later I realized I had merely been in love with the dream image I had created of him. The person I loved did not exist in real life. Please read this thread in discussion forum for more details about my relationship and how I was able to free myself from my narcissistic partner: How I was able to end relationship with my narcissistic spouse. You can also read my posts in this other thread. I wish to say to you exactly the same things I have said to these people in my posts: Click to read the thread.
You are not in love with the monster who is treating you like dirt. You are in love with that handsome, charming, exciting and mysterious man you got to know in the beginning of your relationship. You are feeling pain when you think of him being together with someone else. You feel pain because you feel you have lost something precious: The amazing, wonderful person who loved you. It helps you to cope better with situation when you realize you never had the pure, unconditional love of your narcissistic partner in a first place. Of course your spouse has been caring for you and even loving you in his way, but sad truth with narcissists is that they can only love other people to certain extent. They always love themselves a bit more and that often leads to problems in their relationships.
You mentioned you had to start to take antidepressants to be able to cope with your relationship and with your narcissistic man. People often take antidepressants to get over difficult periods in their lives. Antidepressants can sometimes be very helpful and can carry a person over dark times in life, however the ultimate goal should be to get rid of the factors that are causing depression in a first place. There are many things one can do to help oneself to recover and to speed up the healing process. Visit page Training the Brain to learn more about the ways to help the brain to recover. (Click the link below to read the rest of this reply).
>> CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST OF THIS REPLY <<
-------
Dear Friend, you are already on the winning side. Now the only thing you must deal with is the mental pain due to separation. You find much help for that from this website. Please familiarize yourself with following articles:
Controlling Your Emotions
How to Leave a Narcissist
Healing After Cheating
Biochemistry of Love
I am glad you wrote to me. Please keep writing and let me know how you are doing. You are not alone. My thoughts are with you and I am here for you.
Warm hug,
- Maria
Dear Reader, you can write to me and tell about your own experiences by going to page Personal Stories: Narcissistic Spouse, Information. If you wish to read more about me and my background, please go to page Site Overview. From Site Overview you can read short description of contents of this site. If you are interested in topics related to cheating, narcissism, mind and brain, please feel free to read my blog. Blog is being updated on daily basis. In case you want to read about methods I used to teach my mind to let go of "addiction" to my narcissistic spouse, please visit pages Control Your Emotions and Recovery After Cheating. If you are in relationship with a narcissistic mental abuser, I believe you will find useful information from this site that will help you to heal. You can also go to other sections of this site by clicking Main Menu links (left bar).
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
|
just what you all are saying. So glad I never went back. He is sick and has nothing real inside. Mama and ego rule all. Queer and scary.o
. but actually you can continue a new life, hopefully having caring and loving relationships with people that actually enjoy life. While he rots in his own miserable souless body. He probably hates himself, his life and all that he represents and blames his failure on others around him and tats The only reason he tried to make you feel like crap. 
So I found my husbands lover in m...