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Hi Maria,
I’ve been reading your website and feel blessed to have come upon it. I have my own story I’d like to tell and hope you can offer me some guidance.
7 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend. We’ve been together for more than 5 years, living together most of this time. I cheated with an ex boyfriend. He was in town for work and we were talking over email and I made the mistake of meeting up with him. I should have known it wouldn’t be a simple meet up. You see, I don’t think I ever really got over my ex. I would dream about him and think of him even through my relationship.
My boyfriend found out about my cheating one day after it happened. I’m a really bad liar and he knew something was wrong. He checked my phone and found the truth. My boyfriend never liked my ex because when I broke up with him a few years ago, I started seeing my current boyfriend and there was a time where I was seeing both. I chose to be with my current boyfriend after he gave me an ultimatum. I’ve been so happy with my boyfriend but made a terrible mistake. The only good thing is that I can say I’m completely over my ex. I truly inflated how great he was in my head but when we re-connected it was a let-down and a mistake and I realize how much I love my boyfriend.
After it happened, I moved out of our place for several weeks. After that, we decided to see if we could work and I moved back in. I stayed in another room and after several months, we’re now sleeping in the same room again. We haven’t had sexual relations though.
I recently was cleaning out my boyfriend’s drawers and found a box of condoms inside. We don’t use them, so I confronted him about it. When we were apart for several weeks, I had previously asked if he had been with anyone and he said he hadn’t. Now after I confronted him about the condoms, he said that he had met two separate girls at the club while I was out of the house and gone home with them but did not have sex. I was hurt because he lied about it, but I knew I couldn’t be a complete hypocrite because I was the one who originally cheated.
For the last several months, I’ve put 110% effort into doing everything I can to oweing up to what I had done and trying to re-establish trust. Everything was going great until a week ago, as we were planning a weekend away, he said he wasn’t sure if it was a good idea because he didn’t want to set up any expectations. Even though he’s been more nurturing and caring these last several months, he mentioned that he still doesn’t see me the same and isn’t sure if things have improved.
The problem is, he doesn’t know how to communicate and he definitely doesn’t want to go to counseling. I gave him an ultimatum and told him he needs to decide if he wants to really try, as our lease is up in the next 30 days.
What can I do to make this work? I’m trying to fight the depression to get through it all. We both still love each other greatly but my boyfriend does not know how to “get over it” and he won’t seek outside help.
Please help.
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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
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Dear Friend,
Thank you for your email and for sharing your story. You wrote: "The only good thing is that I can say I’m completely over my ex. I truly inflated how great he was in my head but when we re-connected it was a let-down and a mistake and I realize how much I love my boyfriend". Even though you may not feel like it right now, you have accomplished a great thing as a consequence of what happened: You have finally gotten completely over your ex boyfriend. This is not a small matter. Had this encounter not taken place you might have ended up spending the following years longing for your ex instead of enjoying your life. This event, although unfortunate in many ways, has freed you emotionally. I understand you feel bad about what happened but do not forget the positive consequences this event will have for the rest of your life (you are finally free of the emotional hook).
 You said that you feel you ended up being unfaithful to your current boyfriend because you still had feelings for your ex boyfriend. It is not uncommon to be in such a situation. It is not easy to let go of the relationship when strong emotions have been involved. As time went by the negative memories (the reasons that led to your separation) weakened while the positive memories of strong love you felt towards your ex remained. In a way you created a dream image of your ex boyfriend, however this image was not realistic.
When you finally were reunited with your ex boyfriend, you saw him as he truly is, and consequently your dream image of him shattered and you were finally free. Unfortunately the price of the freedom was high, not only for you but also for your current boyfriend who had to go through the pain of finding out that his girlfriend had cheated on him.
You wrote: I’m a really bad liar and my boyfriend knew something was wrong. Dear Friend, this shows that you are not a "bad" person even though you ended up sleeping with your ex boyfriend. There are people who are capable of lying very convincingly and who do it without feeling guilty. Based on your story it seems clear that you are not one of these people. This s very good news for your boyfriend. Even though it is hard to get over the betrayal, it will help your boyfriend to recover when he knows that he can "read" you quite easily instead of having to be constantly suspicious of what might be going on behind his back.
You said that the main problem with your boyfriend is that he does not know how to communicate and hence cannot process his negative emotions related to this matter. On the other hand you said there is much love between the two of you. You also said you have been sleeping in the same room for several months and you still have not had sex. It sounds like your boyfriend is emotionally stuck at this point of the healing process and is unable to move on.
The longer the situation continues like this, the harder it is to resume the old life you used to share with your boyfriend. Even though it is hard to give your beloved one an ultimatum, I believe you have done the right thing by doing so. It would not be wise to let the situation continue since it seems your boyfriend is unable to make up his mind without an external push. It is not good to keep your lives on hold for years if he is not able to reach a solution. Regardless of what the outcome will be, at list both of you will be able to move on. I wish you are able to move on together, since it seems clear that the problem is not the lack of love between the two of you.
It is unfortunate that your boyfriend does not want to seek external help in form of counseling. I understand well how he is feeling, it is not easy to admit to strangers that one has faced infidelity in a relationship. If he is having problems discussing his emotions with you, it might be even harder for him to open up to a counselor. The only thing you can do is to try to make your boyfriend understand that you truly wish to stay together with him, that you love him and that your feelings towards your ex boyfriend (the dream image you had of your ex until you saw the reality when you reunited with him) had nothing to do with your feelings towards your current boyfriend.
 Perhaps you could try to explain to your boyfriend what I mentioned above about creating a dream image of your ex and keeping that image alive. If your boyfriend has never experienced such situation himself it is undoubtedly difficult for him to understand you, instead he might see the situation in an overly simplified way: That you never got over your ex, you never loved your current boyfriend as much as you loved your ex and when an opportunity presented itself you immediately went to your ex, without giving as much as a thought to your current boyfriend. If your boyfriend loves you as much as it seems based on your letter, it must have been very painful for him to think about these things.
You said your boyfriend told you he no longer feels the same towards you as he felt before cheating took place. This is a form of emotional self defense: By cooling down his feelings towards you your boyfriend is protecting himself from becoming even more hurt. You need to help your boyfriend to see that the "emotional hook" that drew you to your ex had nothing to do with your feelings towards your current boyfriend and that you are now completely free of that hook. You made one single mistake instead of having a long-term secret affair. It is much easier to forgive a single incident than a systematic long-term betrayal. If your boyfriend truly loves you I am sure he chooses to stay with you and try to work things out rather than leave you.
In addition to my feedback above, I recommend you to read this reply I posted to another person who is facing a bit similar situation. My feedback to her is relevant also in your situation: I Cheated on My Husband - How Can I Help Him to Recover?
Dear Friend, thank you for sharing your story. Reading about your experiences will help others who are struggling with similar issues. It is important and very helpful to know that we are not alone with our problems.
To read more about these topics, visit page Healing after Cheating and Narcissism.
Warm hug,
Maria
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
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Stories - Cheating 
....i got drunk and kissed a guy. there was nooooo emotional connection with the guy it just happened. at first i wasnt going to tell my bf but i did. hes been cheated on before and i feel like crap. i know it will take time but i need advice on what to do and how to go about it
The best thing you can do for your boyfriend is to move out and leave him alone. Let him find someone he can trust. he will never trust you again, if he is like most people.
Look, you crossed the Rubicon. No need to try to stay in this relationship , dooming both of you to misery.
The ultimatum , if you want to stay and try is a terrible idea. have you read nothing on the effects of infidelity and how long it takes to have some semblance of healing? 2-5 years is the norm, under the best of circumstances. You are les than 1 year out and you are thinking of giving ultimatums? Astonsishing, unbelievable insensitivity.