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Hi there Maria,
I have a story to tell. My husband had an affair for several months last year. He signed up on Facebook and found his ex girlfriend. They have been communicating even before last year when he started his job. This job takes him away from home to another state. I had no idea that he was having an affair, it did not even occur to me that he would have an affair with her especially when he showed me that he found her and told me all about her. She was still single.
We had a very strong marriage, I thought we were perfect couple and would never ever have anything like this happen to us. Well, I was wrong. I saw the other woman's e-mail on his laptop when I was going to use it when he came home. Her message told the whole story, not only emotional involvement but sexual encounter as well. She wrote on how she felt when she was spending weekend with him. I confronted my husband right away, he confessed and he said he would end it. I made a mistake that I trusted him right away.
He said he ended it. What a stupid me for allowing him to see her again just to end it. When I saw him again in I just had a bad feeling his affair was not over yet. He was very evasive, acting angry every time I would discuss that other woman. I was still very upset and still not really convinced that his affair was over. How would I know that he had stopped when he was still living and working close to where she lives. But because of his constant reassurance of his love to me, his everyday texting about us together and how he missed me so much I was convinced that it was over and he moved on.
Then when he moved to another state to work I found out that he was there at her place when I looked at our credit card bank withdrawal where he pulled out money from the bank. And I knew right away he was at her place because i looked up the address of this woman and i knew her address. I called him again and he of course he denied it, said he was around the area but did not see her, kept going and went home. Lied to me again and again. I did not believe him but i faked it out and told him okay I believe you.
You see, i love this man so much and I was so afraid he would leave me even though he told me over and over again that even when he was with her he told her that he would never leave me. I looked up the phone number of this woman and called her and told her that my husband loves me and his family. I was telling her I will never let you break up my family so you better stop seeing him. You have to turn you back and find a man that is not committed.
My husband came home and I picked him up. He was upset and he looked unhappy when he was in the car. I said to myself something is going on here, this is not right. We went home and after dinner he confessed, crying to me that he finally ended the relationship just 2 days ago. I was horrified, I thought all the while he was very true to me. I knew then that I was not crazy not believing him no matter how he said how his love is so strong and that he is no longer in touch with that woman. It was all lies. I felt betrayed, deceived.
But because of my love for him I forgave him again. And that very night I knew he was a changed man. Ever since that night our love has been stronger than even before this happened. It has been great. His loving ways and his patience have helped me to recover.
So why am i writing to you when it looks like we are doing well? Well it is ME. I just can not forget the other woman. Every time I remember her in my mind she and my husband are together spending time and I start feeling ill. I just hate that woman.
My problem is even though my husband and I are together now, happy most of the time, I do not even plan on working because I want to have as much time with him as possible. I am miserable inside. i feel like I need to discuss this thing with him but now am hesitant because i feel like am pushing him away every time I do this. And I know I am wrong to think about the past but I can not help it.
I know i might need therapy but reading articles about how to get over cheating I feel can make it and I can make myself forget about the past. Tell me when can I find peace and forget about this other woman? I am tempted to tell her how I feel about her. I want her to know that she was used as sex object by my husband and tell her these things so she will feel bad about herself and to give her a lesson not to ever do this again, fall for a married guy.
My husband does not want to discuss this because he is just reminded of his mistakes and his downfall, it makes him feel bad about himself and in turn makes him sad for hurting me. I know it has not been that long when this happened, that is probably why it is still fresh on my mind and I can not let it go. Sometimes I feel really mad at myself by not teaching myself to forget and to move on. Help me. I want to totally forget what happened or if not totally forget (I know this is not possible) at least get over the anger I feel every time I think of the past.
Thank you so much, hope to hear from you.
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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
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Dear Friend,
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry to hear what you have been through. I know how hard it is to deal with the betrayal of a beloved one. Your insight regarding your situation is very clear: The betrayal took place such a short while ago that the memory is still fresh in your mind. If you have felt depressed or anxious after finding out about the affair and your mood has not improved significantly, visit this page to learn what you can do to help your brain and mind to recover faster: Training the Brain. If you wish to read about behavioral and psychological tools that one can use to improve the overall quality of one's relationship, see page Using Psychological Tools to Influence Your Spouse - Tips and Information.
You have had a long, happy marriage and until the affair took place you thought your marriage was a very strong one. When you found out about the affair, it was a huge shock and forced you to rearrange your view of your life. This process is often very painful. Have you read the article on my website that discusses the different phases one must go through in order to get over cheating? If you have not yet seen this article, I recommend you to read it. You find the article here: How to Get Over Cheating. I also recommend you to read another article that is discussing positive and negative emotional feedback cycles and how one can learn to control one's emotions: Learning to Control your Emotions.
 As you are describing in your letter, after the initial shock subsided you wanted to restore the lost balance in your life. You felt happy when your husband returned to you and you assumed the affair was over, but your trust was broken again when you found out that the affair had been going on even though your husband told you it is over.
Dear Friend, do not blame yourself for taking time to get over something like this. You wrote: I know am wrong to think about the past but I can not help it. I wish to say this to you very clearly: You are NOT wrong in thinking about the past. On the contrary, if you would deny your negative emotions you would cause yourself more harm in the future (I will discuss this point more later in this reply).
I can clearly read between the lines of your story how much you love your husband. Your love towards him made you forgive him. Dear Friend, I do believe you made the right thing when you forgave your husband. This was (according to your letter) the first time he cheated on you. If your husband had a history as a cheater I would advise you to consider carefully whether you should trust him again or not. The fact that such betrayal has never happened before during your long marriage will help you to restore your trust.
When your husband ended the affair and returned to you, you felt in a way like a winner, because your husband chose you. Now after some time has passed, the reality of what has happened has hit you and you are feeling miserable as the negative memories enter your mind unexpectedly. You must process these negative feelings before you can move on.
In order to heal you must teach yourself to accept the following important point: Your marriage will be different from now on. This does not mean your marriage will be worse. Sometimes unfortunate events such as infidelity can strengthen the love between a couple as well as their determination to stay together. It sounds like your husband got excited of this other woman but when he was forced to choose whether he wanted to remain with her or with you, he chose you.
It sounds like things are right now going very well between the two of you. What I mean when I say that your marriage will be different from now on is the following: You cannot get back exactly similar feeling towards your husband than you had before cheating took place. This does not mean you would love your husband less. It simply means that the feeling you have towards him will be different. You need to be aware of this and accept it so that you can move on together.
You said that the affair lasted for couple months. In the beginning of the affair your husband most likely experienced a so-called "hormonal rush" that clouded his judgment. When the first excitement faded, he was able to analyze his situation more clearly and realized that he was not ready to leave you. You said that your husband has been very supportive of you after ending his affair. That is a very good thing and will help you to heal faster.
 Dear Friend, I understand that you feel you do not want to bother your husband by talking about the matters related to the affair. However, it is very difficult for you to move on without processing your negative feelings. You are right in it that it is not a good idea to talk about the affair constantly. However, I do not recommend that you try to suppress your negative feelings. If you do so, they might cause you problems later on.
I am sure your husband feels very bad for hurting you. I wish that he also understands the nature of the recovery process after cheating: The cheated spouse needs to be able to talk about what happened as long as it is needed. You need to have a feeling that you can discuss this matter with your husband if you need to. I wish he is supportive enough towards you to allow this, and patient enough to listen to you as long as it is needed.
You asked how long it will take until you get over what has happened. According to statistics it takes on average 1-2 years before the emotions start to normalize after cheating. During this period one often experiences emotional highs and lows. I am glad to your husband is being supportive of you, that helps a lot during your recovery period.The most important thing for you to remember is that your husband chose you. He made a terrible mistake but based on your story he is not a serial cheater. The most important thing is to learn from one's mistakes. You said your husband feels terrible because he hurt you this way. Knowing that your husband truly regrets what he has done will help you to heal and restore the trust.
You said you know that therapy might help you. I warmly recommend you to go to meet a therapist together with your husband. A professional can introduce new ways to deal with your emotions and ask the right questions that help you to process your emotions and hence help you to let go of the negative thoughts. It will not hurt to give therapy a try, in best case you will benefit a lot.
I understand that you feel strong anger towards the other woman. Dear Friend, your feeling is completely normal. You are allowed to feel anger towards her. However, I do not advise you to contact her anymore. It is best for your recovery process if you do not actively keep her present in your life. If you contact her, she might reply to you and it will most likely generate more negative feelings in you. It is best to let her sink into past where she belongs.
Remember that your husband chose to remain with you. You did not force him to make that decision, he made it on his own. You need to give yourself more time to recover, eventually the painful feelings will weaken and subside. If they do not do so, I warmly recommend you to go to talk to a professional who is specialized in helping people to deal with painful emotions related to betrayal. Please do not allow the thoughts of that other woman poison your present and your future. She is now the thing of past.
Dear Friend, I am so glad you found my website and shared your story. I wish you have found the content of the website helpful for you during this difficult time in your life. Please do not hesitate to write to me whenever you feel like it. My thoughts are with you.
To read more about how to get over negative emotions related to cheating in a relationship, see this article: Controlling Negative Emotions.
Warm hug,
Maria
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
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I am living man and we have kids together 8 and 9 and he has 2 steplids 20 and 23 by me .. I have known him for 20 years on and off for 10 and now trapped him for 10 so