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Maria:
I am so happy I found your web site and especially the page "How To Get Over Cheating". I had been through the first two phases you describe and was feeling pretty good about things but the last few days I started having some thoughts that scared me. Basically, I started having the very thoughts you describe in the third phase you call "Second Wave Of Anger After Cheating."
I started to think a lot about how I used to view my wife and how I do not believe I will ever be able to see her that way again. I used to see her as someone so special to me, and me to her, that nothing could ever come between us. I knew without a doubt before she cheated on me that she loved me. I always thought she was "head-over-heels" in love with me and always would be. I used to think no matter what we faced we would always be there for each other. There were also a lot of feelings and thoughts I had about her that I am not sure I could ever put in to words. Essentially, those unspeakable and indescribable thoughts were what made me so in love with and so bonded to her. I was so afraid and worried when these other thoughts started coming to me. I was beginning to think it was over.
Two nights ago during sex, I suddenly had a very negative and depressing feeling for the first time during sex with her since the discovery. I am not even sure what brought it on but I could no longer continue. I just stopped, gently pushed my wife aside, and laid down beside her. She was upset and asked what was the matter but I could not really give an answer. I told her I did not really know and, of course, she thought I was lying to her. She then accused me of planning it and doing it on purpose to hurt her. I tried to convince her that was not the case but she did not believe me (and I do not blame her).
The last few days, I have had thoughts about just giving up. I started to think because my wife is not who I thought she was and never would be that person to me again, that all the work to repair the relationship was not worth it. I started to think I would never trust her again and I did not want to live the rest of our lives together with me checking her phone records, checking her text messages, reading her E-mails, checking her Facebook account, etc. I did not want to think something was going on with her every time she wanted to go to the store in the middle of the night or worry about her cheating on me again when she goes with her friends to a bar or club. I just felt like I would never be happy with her again and felt like she was no longer worth my effort and time.
I have not gotten very angry at all since the beginning. I was never really angry with her. I was actually more angry with myself because I overlooked so many of the signs of the affair that were right there in front of my face. Instead of anger, I feel embarrassment, hurt, frustration, and sadness.
Nevertheless, I was relieved to read about the fourth phase. I do believe I will get through the third phase and eventually everything will be fine. I just know that our relationship will be so much more fragile now. I worry that the pain and betrayal I feel and will feel will change me as a person. I used to be a confident, sure, trusting, sincere, caring, etc., person but I am afraid this incident will cause me to not really care about anyone or trust anyone but my three children. I know I already look at people differently and I do not like it.
Enough of my rambling. I just wanted to say I am glad I came across your web site. Judging by some of the comments on your site that you have helped so many people.
Thank you for your time!
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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
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Dear Friend,
Thank you for your email. I am glad to hear my website has been helpful for you. It is natural to go through the emotions you described in your letter. So many people who have experienced cheating in a relationship are asking themselves the very same questions you are asking. At some point during the recovery period we are all wondering is it worth it to continue the relationship and are we ever going to be able to trust our spouse again.
 Each situation is different and the answers we come up with depend on our own personality, the personality of our spouse and on our current life situation. The most important thing is to be honest to ourselves. If it seems that years go by and one is unable to restore the trust and regain happiness in a relationship, it is time to admit that the damages are too extensive and that both parties are happier if they go their separate ways.
Dear Friend, you seem to have a clear insight regarding your situation and your emotions. That will help you in your healing process. You write so beautifully about your wife, it is clear that you have loved her deeply and still love her despite what has happened.
Do you think your wife is fully aware of the difficulty of the recovery period after cheating and the emotional roller coaster one is experiencing during the healing process? I can understand that your wife felt hurt when you rejected her in bed. You said she accused you of planning the whole thing, aiming to make her feel bad. This statement suggests that your wife is not fully aware of the nature of the recovery process after cheating. She is thinking rationally and looking for rational explanations for your behavior towards her, however during the recovery process it is very common to behave in "irrational" ways.
After experiencing cheating it is not uncommon to feel exactly as you felt while you were making love to your wife. You said you started to feel uncomfortable and did not know exactly why. It is clear that your uncomfortable feeling was related to the negative memory of the betrayal of your wife, but in what way exactly, was not completely clear to you. When your wife asked you what happened, you told her the truth when you said "I do not know". Your wife could not believe this, because normally we are aware of the reasons for our behavior. So her reaction was quite natural, but so was yours. It might help your wife to understand you better if you gave her some literature regarding the recovery process after cheating. If she understands you better, it is easier for her to help you and support you during the recovery process.
People often send me email to ask about the recovery process after cheating. That is why I will elaborate a bit more on this topic on a general level below.
Understanding the recovery process after cheating
Finding out about cheating fundamentally changes the feelings of the cheated spouse towards the spouse who cheated. This is why it is so unfortunate that people choose to cheat in a relationship even if they are not considering leaving their partners.
 Often people who are cheating have not been cheated on and so they have no idea how profound effect their betrayal will have on their spouse. If they knew that their spouse will never view them the same way after cheating, many people would undoubtedly refrain from infidelity simply because the unconditional, pure love of their spouse is more important to them than few moments of pleasure with a secret lover (of course the previous applies only if the cheater is not deeply in love with the person he or she is having an affair with).
Unfortunately it is not uncommon that people end up having a short affair (or even a one night stand) with someone who they do not love and care for as much as they care about their spouse. Often people end up having an affair because they are looking for excitement and thrill, something that will bring a transient change to their daily routines. If these people knew how fundamentally their "small slip" can change their lives, most people would undoubtedly reconsider before starting an affair. Sadly people understand what they have lost forever only after the damage has already been done.
Often cheaters expect the cheated party to recover from the betrayal relatively fast. Many cheaters cannot understand that it will take years for a cheated party to get over the pain cheating has caused. If a cheater has narcissistic or abusive tendencies, he or she may even become hostile towards his or her spouse if the spouse does not "recover" fast enough but keeps talking about the painful event weeks and months after the event took place.
Of course it is clear that it is annoying for a cheater to listen to his or her spouse to bring up the same topic over and over again, but if the cheater truly wants to stay together with his or her spouse and help the spouse to recover and regain the trust, the cheater must be patient and allow the cheated spouse to process the matter as long as it is needed. This does not mean that it is alright for a cheated spouse to bring the topic up every single day for the next couple years. However, it is certainly not enough to talk about the event once and then bury the topic for the rest of one's life. It is not possible to recover from cheating and betrayal that way.
 Often the cheated spouse needs to ask the same questions several times. He or she needs to hear the same answers several times. This is all part of the healing process. During the healing process, the feelings of the cheated spouse may fluctuate on daily basis. The cheated spouse may feel good one moment, he or she may act lovingly towards his or her spouse, but the next moment an unpleasant memory may pop into the mind of the cheated spouse and render his or her behavior cold, even hostile.
During these moments when the unpleasant memories related to the affair enter the mind of the cheated spouse, the cheated spouse often feels the need to ask questions that are related to the affair. The cheated spouse does this to relieve his or her emotional pain. The cheated spouse is hoping that whatever answers the spouse who cheated gives, those answers make the cheated spouse feel he or she is loved regardless of what has happened. This is why it is very important that the spouse who cheated does not lose temper during those moments, but instead will provide the cheated spouse all the answers she or he needs.
It may be that the cheated spouse will withdraw himself or herself even after having the answers, but even this should not upset the spouse who cheated. The cheating spouse should understand that all these things are part of the healing process and that it is not possible to regain the trust without going through all the required phases.
The cheater should keep in mind that it was his or her actions that have caused the whole situation. It was because of his or her betrayal that the cheated spouse is now going through the emotional pain that is affecting not only the life of the cheated spouse but also the life of the cheater. The cheater should take the responsibility of his or her actions and help and support the cheated spouse during the healing process, instead of becoming upset if the same topic is brought up repeatedly.
To read more about the different phases of the recovery process after cheating, please see page How To Get Over Cheating.
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Dear Friend, thank you again for sharing your story. By doing so you are helping others who are going through similar painful period in their lives. It helps so much to know that we are not alone and that there are other people in this world who have experienced the same pain and have survived. It is important to know that the painful emotions one must go through as a part of the recovery process are very natural and that it is normal that the recovery process takes long time.
I truly wish you are able to regain your happiness with your wife and stay together with her. The reason why I am saying this is because based on your letter it is clear there has been so much love in your relationship and there still is much love left. You need to give yourself time to get over this traumatic event.
It takes time for the trust to return, but eventually it will. You do not need to worry about never again being able to trust people again. So many people have experienced cheating in their relationship and have been able to save their relationship and restore their trust in their partner. If you and your wife truly love each other and wish to stay together, you will get over this and are able to restore the trust. Please do not doubt this.
Warm hug,
Maria
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
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Stories - Cheating 
(( that is not the situation you need to be in right now but I have noticed that with you and myself that something major has had to happen for things to move forward for us. Im sure you will find the strength to deal with the things you are now faced with and I wish you the best EVER!!
Please if you can, drop me a lne to let me know your doing ok . You helped me loads and so has alot of others on this site and I so appreciate Maria for having this here for us all to vent and express our emotions of hurt and our hopes.
Lisa
ann