Hi Maria,
I was married for more than 20 years, 4 children (youngest is 12 years old), stay at home mom, in my fifties, moved all over the world for husband’s career.
About one year ago my husband started working for “the homewrecker”. He told me she couldn’t keep her pants on. I totally trusted my husband and thought he was much too noble, stable person for this to pose a problem. We had just returned from living in Europe. My teenage daughter was having a hard time readjusting and sharing her misery with all of us. We all were going through a tough reentering process. I was feeling slightly depressed but tried overcome it with exercise.
My husband started staying downtown for a few beers more and more. He said ---that’s what the new group does. I was busy getting the kids. My daughter had made varsity cheerleader her senior year which was huge. My younger daughter made the middle school squad. My husband went to one of her game and 2 of her sister's.
He stayed out till 4 am one night saying –he feel asleep in his car. Still no alarm bells went off. On Thanksgiving morning, he jumped out of bed and said he was going to set up tables at a race. For the first time in our marriage, I said, “No you’re not. You going to stay home” He turned around and said, “I don’t like you anymore”. He said I was too churchy and closed minded.
In shock, I entered sort of bizarre-world. I apologized to my kids for being too strict. He continued to express his unhappiness with me. We sought (lousy) martial counseling. Couple weeks later I finally check his text messages. The first one was from his boss, “….I love spending time with you. Don’t worry about the pain you are causing….I’m on my way to the movies now…”
Instantly, I showed him my discovery. He admitted he was having an affair but “he wasn’t stupid enough to have an affair with his boss” He was having an affair with a woman named “Carol”. I asked him to stop the affair. He said he didn’t know if he wanted to. The next day, he said he would end the affair. I was crying all the time now. We continued with one more counseling session, hobbled through Christmas. He after tell the counselor – he wouldn’t make any big decisions. He gets a call on the way home saying a place was available for him to move into. On Jan. 1, he moved out for 30 day cooling off period. Then 2 months. Then moved into a condo we owned downtown. He never looked back.
One day, he came over to discuss the divorce, he said he hoped we could be good friends.. While still very much in shock, we started the filing process. In Tennessee, it’s a fault state. I went for adultery & martial misconduct. He said he didn’t want to be punished for having an affair. During the discovery questions, I found out it was his boss he was having the affair. I was devastated. She got fired from the company because this wasn’t the first time. I have a few friends intermixed in the company. I have held nothing back in discussing my husband actions.
We are now divorced. I thought I would do better in the settlement but I think I will be ok. We have to sell the house and I’m looking for a job. I don’t know whether to move back to California with my family or stay here because the kids schooling.
My big question, what techniques can I use to stop the obsessive thoughts about him and how he screwed me. I loop every conversation back to him. I’m so stuck in a bad place. He couldn't care less about me. He still has the homewrecker girlfriend, his career, lot of money. I’m picking up the pieces of the live he didn’t want anymore. I hate him and I want everyone else to hate him too.
Please help me move on…
___________
The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
____________
Dear Friend,
Thank you for sharing your story. I understand the anger you feel towards your ex husband. You wrote: "I hate him and I want everyone else to hate him too". You are not alone with this kind of a feeling. Most people who have been abandoned by their spouse after their spouse has first been having an affair with another person feel the same way.
When you did not yet know about the affair you thought your husband was fully devoted to you, in other words you felt valued and respected by your husband. When you found out about the affair this image of your life got shattered. When your husband then told you he wanted to leave, that made you feel as if you truly mean nothing to him.
Withing just couple months you were forced to let go of the image you had of yourself as a person who your husband appreciates and wishes to stay with and additionally you were facing a huge change in your every day life when your husband told you he wanted to leave. You had no control over what was happening in your life.
It is scary to be in a situation in which on has no control over what is going to happen in one's future. I am sure you have went through all sorts of of painful emotions since you found out your husband had been cheating on you. It has been a year since you found out about cheating. Even though a year might sound like a long time, it is nowhere near enough to get over the traumatic event like cheating and a divorce. I have never heard of anyone who has been married for more than a decade and recovered fully from a divorce in just one year. It is very natural that you are still feeling strong pain and anger.
You asked what you can do to get rid of the obsessive thoughts related to your ex husband and his betrayal. The most important thing is to accept the fact that the obsessive thoughts are not going to disappear overnight. There are many techniques that can be used to reduce the intensity of such thoughts until they eventually will disappear on their own. The most important thing is not to strengthen these thoughts by allowing yourself to get sucked into a depressed state of mind every time when these thoughts occur.
You can start by observing what happens in your body when these negative thoughts enter your mind. Each person reacts differently and you need to recognize the parts of your body that are most affected my the negative thoughts. Many people tell they feel physical pain in their stomach when a negative memory related to cheating enters their mind unexpectedly. Some people tell they feel they cannot breath normally. If one is a smoker, it is not uncommon to experience an immediate urge to smoke a cigarette whenever painful memories enter one's mind. yet others feel the need to have a drink. We all react differently, but one thing is common for us all: The physical feeling in our body changes noticeably when a painful memory enters our mind unexpectedly. The first step in the battle against the obsessive thoughts is to learn to recognize this change.
Let us say you start to feel sick in your stomach when you think of your ex husband living a happy carefree life with his new lady friend while you are struggling to rebuild your shattered life. This thought is very painful. When this thought enters your mind, you start to feel strong anger towards your husband. Anger serves as a self protection mechanism, it makes it easier to deal with the pain. Anger is related to aggression and aggression reduces fear. In your case this fear was initially the fear of the unknown future without your husband in it.
Dear Friend, I am not saying you feel anger towards your husband only because you are experiencing fear. All I am saying is that the anger you feel towards your husband has initially served as a buffer against the emotional pain and feelings of abandonment and humiliation. In the same time you were forced to face the unknown future without your husband. In a way your husband forced you to a corner, leaving you no choices when he decided to leave you for his secret lover. If we are forced to a corner, it is not uncommon to respond with aggression.
Imagine an animal that is forced to a corner with nowhere to escape. In that situation an animal usually turns aggressively towards the attacker, even if the attacker is much bigger and stronger. This happens because the animal has nothing to lose and aggression increases its chances in the battle.
In a way same is true in your situation. When your husband told you he is going to leave, you were in a way in a hopeless situation. Your husband had made his choice without asking you. He decided to leave. You could not do anything to change his mind and you had no other chance but to accept the new situation. It is very painful to accept the fact that your husband cheated on you and left you for another woman. Aggression (anger) made it easier for you to deal with the emotional pain you suddenly faced in this devastating situation.
Deaf Friend, I am mentioning these things because I wish that when you understand the true reasons behind your anger it makes it easier for you to let go of the negative thoughts. You need to make it as your primary goal to get rid of the obsessive thoughts. You need to internalize the thought that the anger you feel is not going to affect the life of your husband in any way, instead it is going to influence your own life in a negative way. Your husband has already caused you so much suffering. Do not let him keep causing you more pain by hating him and allowing the negative thoughts to consume you. I know very well that this is easier said than done. Please trust me when I tell you that you WILL get rid of the anger and negative thoughts. You are still in the middle of the recovery process. Your whole life changed completely just one year ago. It is very natural to still have strong anger in you.
Relationship with our significant other is the center piece of our lives. You share 4 children with your ex husband and most of your children are still minors. You were relying on your husband to be there for you and to share the responsibility of raising your children with you. Now he has left you and betrayed the promise he gave to you when he married you. It is natural to feel anger. You did nothing to deserve what happened to you. Your husband told you he does not like the way you are. He should have told you if he is not happy with you instead of starting a secret affair. How can you know he is not happy unless he tells you? If you do not know he is not happy, there is no way you can start to work on the problems in order to save the marriage.
I recommend you to read this article, it will help you to learn to understand the source of your feelings and to control your painful emotions:
Emotional Tools. Here is also another article that I believe is beneficial for you, this article is on my other support website, it introduces ways to get over the obsessive thoughts and emotional pain related to the memory of cheating (please feel free to familiarize yourself also with other articles on this website):
Mind Control Methods - Active Thought Distraction.
Dear Friend, thank you for sharing your story. Please write to me anytime you feel like it. You are not alone. I will help you and support you any way I can.
Warm hug,
Maria
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
I wake up everyday to my wonderful husband. I love him zoo much. But i have been keeping a secret from him.... :/ I cheated a while back... like A WHILE back.. & haven't told him. My ex, told him but i played it off as if it wasn't true.. I feel so bad.. I had a mental break down awhile ago and wanted to tell him sooo bad, but am scared he will leave me. What do i do? Help me! I don't wanna lose him. He's everything to me. Iv lost my Dad, my sister, my dog.. He's all i have left.. Please help ! :'(