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Hi Maria,
I came across your website and I really need some advice on this. It's seriously been really tough for me. I know that it would be a lot worse if I was married but the fact is I've been through a lot in my life and I'm only 20. So, opening up and trusting my ex boyfriend was a huge thing for me. He's one of two people who know the whole story about what I've been through.
I'm a junior in college. I met him my freshman year. We went out for a year. And I was going to transfer schools. So sophomore year I unfortunately couldnt find a roommate so we decided that it would be ok to room together. It wasn't us saying we were taking this relationship to the extreme serious level. Because I'm nowhere near ready to get married. Anyway, it was beneficial for both of us but everything went downhill.
He knew how I felt about pornography. How much I despised it. And when I found a link on his laptop months ago he denied it (still does) that he watched. I found links on his computer when I was using it. I was going on a site that started with P when it came up. He lied and lied. When I brought up his internet history he finally told me that he watched it. A lot. He said he used to be addicted. I broke up with him because he lied to me.
Months later I found AIM conversations with this girl he was supposedly just friends with. They were "married" on Facebook before we started college. They met on Fbook. From around the time we went out till almost the end he was flirting with her. I said he practically had an online relationship with her.
When she was sick he would IM her saying "just checking on my wifey. Love you." He said before I met his parents that day "I need to see you. I can't make it through the day without seeing you." He said "babe" "love" all these affectionate terms. Said he knows what time and when they got "married". Says he saved it in his phone. When she said she wanted a boy to text he replied saying "You can text me. but if my girlfriend finds out we'll have to stop".
You get the point. He also lied about other girls that he "never liked". When this one girl kept texting him saying hey babe and stuff (a girl we both made fun of cuz we thought she was pathetic) I found out she actually had a reason. Back then he liked her. He told me he hated her. And a girl right before we started going out contacted him saying wtf what about us?! And he told me that she might have liked him. Well I found out later that they made out before he went off to college.
I'm sorry if that's super long. But it's been really hard on me because he bothers me everyday begging to be my friend. I've seriously had it. I'm done. I can't do it anymore. He was my best friend. And I loved him so much. I still do love him. I don't want to love him.
Is that fair? I feel like I've been put through so much by him. How am I supposed to get over it? Please help me. Thank you so much for your kindness.
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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
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Dear Friend,
Thank you for your email. I understand so well how you are feeling after experiencing such unfortunate things with your boyfriend. In the end of your letter you say that you still love your boyfriend and that you would like that feeling to go away, that you have had it and can't take it anymore. If you change your mind about breaking up and wish to read about behavioral and psychological tools that one can use to improve the quality of one's relationship, visit page Using Psychological Tools to Influence Your Spouse - Tips and Information. Now let me give you some feedback regarding the problems you mentioned.
Your boyfriend is watching porn
I completely understand your feeling regarding your boyfriend watching porn. Many women dislike it. However, it is good to be aware that most men do not see anything wrong in watching porn. This view is more common among men than most women realize. I hear often women saying how shocked they are when they have found out their boyfriend or husband has been watching porn. I understand this is very hurtful for most women. It can make a woman feel her boyfriend actually is not happy with the way she is, and so he is turning to porn.
 However, for most men porn is simply a form of light amusement. Men tend to need visual stimuli more often than women in order to become sexually excited. Women often need to have emotional connection with a man in order to be able to enjoy sex with him. Evolutionary psychologists have suggested several reasons for these differences between sexual behavior of men and women. I do not go into those reasons here, otherwise my response to you would become way too long and would go a bit off track. If you are interested in this topic, please let me know and I will be glad to tell you more about these theories. For now the most important thing is to be aware that there are some clear differences between sexual behavior of men and women.
The fact is that men think of sex statistically much more than women. Due to this reason, most men are also interested in watching porn. This does not mean these men would like to date a porn star. Most men are appalled about the idea of someone else having sex with their girlfriend or wife. Most men do not even care how the face of a porn star looks like, they just need visual stimuli of intimate areas of woman in order to become excited. So if a man watches moderate amount of porn, that does not mean there is something wrong with him.
However, you said your boyfriend was watching a lot of porn and said he used to be addicted to it. All things can become harmful if one does them in excessive amount. It is not healthy to watch huge amount of porn, that can influence other areas in life and create all sorts of adverse effects. However the main thing I wish to say to you is that the fact that your boyfriend watched porn does not mean he was not happy with you. I believe you already know this, however I wanted to say it just to emphasize this important point. It is understandable that most women perceive porn as a negative thing, something that degrades women. However we must keep in mind that most men do not see things in the same way, so if a man is watching porn, that does not automatically mean he is a disgusting individual who has no respect for women, instead the reasons are more biological than one might think.
Your boyfriend was lying about watching Porn
You said your boyfriend lied to you about watching porn. Lying is always wrong, however I can understand that your boyfriend did not want to tell you about his habit if he knew how strongly you were against it. This is of course wrong, but most likely your boyfriend felt he was not doing anything horrible, not cheating on you etc, so he might have felt it was not such a bad thing to lie about this particular matter. He might have felt he was in a way protecting you and did not want to hurt your feelings.
Many men lie about watching porn, because they know they would never go and act out their fantasies. They know their wives / girlfriends have nothing to worry about and they feel they do not want to hurt the feelings of their spouses. However if wife / girlfriend finds out about lying, the harmless small lie might escalate into a huge problem, causing wife / girlfriend to lose trust. If one is caught lying, it is often very difficult to restore the full trust. For this reason I would recommend honesty in all areas of life. However I do understand why many men lie about watching porn. It is good for wives / girlfriends to understand the true reason for lying regarding this particular matter, so that they would not have to feel insecure if their spouse happens to occasionally watch porn.
Your boyfriend had a "Facebook wife"
This is a whole different matter. I would say this is really a serious problem. The previous matters were unfortunate, but not so unusual in a relationship. They could have been worked out. However this issue of having a virtual close relationship with another woman who your boyfriend called "wifey", "babe" etc and told her he cannot go through the day without seeing her, is pretty serious. You said he wrote "You can text me. but if my girlfriend finds out we'll have to stop". This means your boyfriend was willing to do things behind your back.
 In some ways this comment can be seen in a bit more positive light, since your boyfriend said "we must stop if my girlfriend finds out". This means you were your boyfriend's priority and he would not have chosen to continue texting with that other woman if the price of it was losing you. So he clearly said to her "my girlfriend comes first". But on the other hand, your boyfriend also showed her that he was willing to do things behind your back. This was very disrespectful thing to do. I can understand why you feel hurt. Anyone would feel hurt in your situation.
Your boyfriend most likely felt "excited" to have the attention of two women (you and his "facebook wife") and that is why he let flirting continue with her. Overall it sounds like your boyfriend is still quite immature person. He was looking for excitement and thrill, but in the same time we wanted to keep you. It sounds like he made some pretty foolish decisions. A responsible, grown-up person does not keep calling other women "wifey", "babe" etc. Sounds like this man was too immature to enter serious mutually respectful relationship. He behaved like an immature boy. However, it sounds like the thing with "facebook wife" was more like a game for your boyfriend, he did not look for a secret relationship with her and he told her "if my girlfriend finds out about texting we must stop". His behavior was foolish, but sounds like the reason for that was immaturity rather than ill will.
You said that you wish he would leave you alone, but on the other hand you said you still love him. Dear Friend, if you feel at one point that you wish to try to work things out with him, there is some hope. The most important thing is that he has not (to your knowledge) had a sexual affair with another woman when he was with you. His behavior has been stupid and immature, however it is possible he will become wiser as he gets older. If you can somehow make him understand that it is not ok to behave in this way if he is in a relationship, your relationship with him can work out. Most important thing is that you make him understand that lying must stop, and he must also stop all contact with his former "facebook wife". He must learn to take some responsibility in his life.
You said he wishes to be your friend. If you truly wish to go apart, in that case I do not think you are yet ready to be friends with him. If you decide not to try to make the relationship work, then I recommend you to cut all contact with him at list for some time. That is the only way to cool down your feelings.
If you feel you want to give your relationship one more chance and wish to read about psychological tools that one can use to maintain love and commitment between a couple and to improve the overall quality of one's relationship, visit page Using Psychological Tools to Influence Your Spouse - Tips and Information. To read more about how to get over cheating and narcissism in a relationship, please visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism.
Warm thoughts,
Maria
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
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