Hello Maria,

Let me first say that I am pleasantly surprised to find your website. Thank you for your public service. I read some of the stories and narcissist signs and tips and they have been most helpful.

I met my husband over 18 years ago. We've been married for 16 years. Looking back now there were clues and and red flags that I did not take seriously. Not sure if it was a subconscious choice, lack of understanding of importance or just love and feeling that I've found my soul mate. Probably a bit of all.

We've have many ups and downs and tensions during our marriage. From kids, family, finances etc. Though we had our ups and downs from early on, most of our troubles began during my pregnancy with my first child 13 years ago. Even though we both desired having a child and were seemingly happy about it, my husband stopped having sex while I was pregnant, saying that he was afraid of "hurting the baby". As tension grew for various reasons, he began withdrawing and not talking to me for weeks at a time. I had no clue as to what is going on in his head. I thought somehow I was to blame. After all we had arguments and maybe I did or said something wrong.

Even though we both worked, after the birth of our first child my husband started complaining furiously about how "little time he had to himself". He would get resentful of me for handing him our crying baby. My husband's unhappiness and withdrawal led to great distance and further tension between us. We had difficulty adjusting to our new life. We did have some periods of normalcy but things were always unstable. 8 years ago I became pregnant with our second child. We both had discussed having a second child. However I can't forget the look on my husband's face when I informed him of my pregnancy. He gave a "cold" look and looked another way. He withdrew from sex for a second time. This time for 3 consecutive years! He was cold, distant and downright mean to me. At times when I complained about a backache he would say "you whine too much"! When he saw me sad and crying he remained cold and indifferent.

Matters got worse when my husband's mom started coming over for extended visits. I found some porn magazines and websites my husband had visited. When I "gently" confronted him, he seemed to understand and threw the magazines away and it appeared that the website visits also stopped. Our arguments got uglier and he allowed himself to insult me or my family anyway he felt like. His mom clearly did not feel that I was worthy of his beloved son. Her special brand of rudeness and intrusiveness were highly damaging to our marriage. I remember asking my husband repeatedly to limit her visits or say something to her. Now I understand that he was on her side and not his own family. I did not understand what was happening at the time. Maybe because now I was a stay at home mom with two little kids. Isolated from the outside world and out of touch.

My husband began having close friendships with single men from his work. Later he began socializing outside of work with them and staying over at their house over night without notifying me. His excuse was that they lived miles away and he did not want to drive drunk. He did not call because he didn't want to wake the family up. After 3 or 4 infrequent episodes I stood up to him and he stopped for a while. A year later he wanted to go to the same man's house and I did not allow him to stay overnight. The two of them acted like I was being totally unreasonable. After all "what could she possibly think we are doing?" . Again making me look so unreasonable.

Along the way, I asked my husband many times if he has cheated on me. He always looked at me in eye and said "no" as if he was offended. Many times I suggested getting a divorce or attempted to leave. I even asked him to leave the house for a few days. He withdrew more from both the kids and me. I sought counseling and he would refuse to go. I tried engaging him by threatening him with divorce, being nice, being mean, indifferent, hostile, but nothing seemed to work. He had checked out entirely.

Until last August, when I found 4 condoms in a wallet he normally keeps at work. My world crumbled and shattered before me. It was as if a nuclear bomb had gone off inside me. I woke my husband up and confronted him. He claimed he had visited Strip clubs 10 to 15 times during lunch hour for the past 6 years. Sometimes with the same single men from work but mostly alone. He was highly apologetic and swore there was nothing more. That he had many opportunities but was not interested in pursuing anyone in particular. Basically down playing the whole thing.

As I pressed on I discovered email address dedicated to a the same single friends sending him porn links. I searched his laptop and found a ton of porn sites he visited regularly. Emails to female coworkers and women around the world, wooing and chasing them. Going on dates after work with women. I was numbed and still am. For the first time I paid attention to pictures he had taken while in China or Thailand ( I know!). He was not wearing his ring.

My husband confessed he would remove his wedding ring when he traveled or even when he went to work. His reason for the betrayal was that he was rebelling against me and my "defiance" toward his will. The more my husband tried to minimize the betrayal the more evidence I found to the contrary. He was running scared. He begged me on his knees not to leave him. I saw him cry for the first time. He agreed to go to counseling. He would send me emails many times a day apologizing. For a while it worked and I started believing that he had hit rock bottom.

But as months passed he started to have wondering eyes and flirting, and not so discreetly. I caught him emailing a female coworker he had an emotional affair with at 10:30 at night from home. He never cut contact with those single friends and would get mad if I asked about them. Now he is getting angry and violent. When I confronted him about flirting with a female at a party, he grabbed my wrists so hard they bruised for 10 days and he threatened to hit me.

I realize what a fool I have been all these years, NEVER doubting his loyalty and decency. I always felt we have our difference but so do many other couples. What I did not understand was the depth and degree of it. He is a totally different man than I thought. One with a secret life.

I am now collecting evidence and documenting everything. I am planning my exit and plan to take as much as I can. I feel a tremendous shame for not seeing so many obvious signs and comments people made about him. My ego and self esteem have taken a huge blow. But there is part of me that has gotten obsessed with him. I can't stop checking on him. I don't know why I still wish things could be different. I still wonder why? Why? I feel like a trapped animal, angry and out for revenge. Yet still having a soft spot for him somewhere in my heart and have mixed feeling about leaving. That is the most confusing part. Is it the years we've spend together? Kids? Codependency? Fear of change?

Your feedback is much appreciated.

___________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

____________

Dear Friend,

Thank you for sending your story. I understand how you are feeling when you say you still have a soft spot for your husband somewhere in your heart. It is that soft spot that has kept you in your marriage. Yes, soft spot is still there even now, but the size of it has decreased greatly, allowing you to be strong enough to start planning separation. It is only natural to miss someone after spending 18 years together. You pointed out some of the reasons for this in the end of your email. The years you spent together with your husband are important part of your life. Your husband has been part of your life for so many years. You have gotten used to having him around. When your husband is no longer around, you feel as is something is missing from your life. This is completely normal. To understand better the biological basis of this negative mental addiction and to learn how to free yourself of it, please read article Mental Tools Can Help To End Toxic Relationship.

You wondered if the fear of change is one reason that is preventing you from letting go of your dishonest and abusive husband. You are right in your analysis. It is frightening when one's life is changing and when one feels one is not in control of what is happening. If you could have decided how your life was going to be like, I am sure you would have wanted a happy and honest marriage. However, due to reasons that are absolutely not your fault this was not possible. Now you are facing the unknown and that thought is frightening.

You know exactly what you will get if you will stay with your abusive husband. A life that may not make you happy but nevertheless is a familiar life. Dear Friend, it will help you to break free if you teach yourself to see your situation in a new way. No matter what the future holds for you, it cannot be worse than what you have experienced with your abusive husband. No matter what happens, you are not going to be living on the streets. You will still have so many good things in your life: Your friends and relatives who will love you and support you, your children, your health, and most of all your self-esteem. If you stay with your husband, he will slowly make you to lose your self-esteem, because deep inside you know no one should accept this kind of treatment. If you allow yourself to stay in such situation, you will slowly lose your self-respect.

Dear Friend, I have seen that sort of thing happening so often to people who are not strong enough to break the vicious cycle and leave their abusive spouse. I do not wish that to happen to you. I wish you are strong enough to stay on the path towards freedom. It is good that you are planning things ahead, but do not stay with your abusive husband for too long. Every day you spend with him adds to your pain and makes it harder to recover later. Every day negative associations in your brain will become stronger. To read about negative associations that develop in the brain in this kind of a situation, please see page Mental Tools Can Help to End Toxic Relationship. I know how hard it is to leave, but in the end you will be so glad you did it. Never doubt that.

If you are having second thoughts regarding leaving, just remind yourself of all the bad things your husband has done to you. The worst betrayal was that your husband removed his wedding ring when he was traveling and when he went to work. Your husband wanted people to perceive him as a "single man". This was the most disturbing part in your letter. This is the betrayal that is by far hardest to forgive. If your husband truly loved you, he would never have done such a thing. His explanation as to why he removed his ring is not believable. I am sure that was not the real reason. Your husband simply wanted to appear as a free man to people around him. This is probably the most hurtful part for you to deal with as a wife.

It is very difficult to believe your husband could change his ways. You wrote that he has already become more angry and even violent towards you. Your husband realizes that he can never again have a fully trusting relationship with you, because you do not trust him anymore after all his lies. I am sure your husband is smart enough to understand that you would be truly simple-minded person if you would allow yourself to trust him under present circumstances. He knows you are not that simple-minded and it annoys him when he cannot have full control of the situation. Your husband would most likely wish to return back to the point in which you trust him and he can go on doing things he has been doing during past years in peace. But he knows those times are now lost forever: You are now very suspicious towards him (with a good reason!) and most likely your feeling is not going to change.

Your husband knows all these things and it makes him feel angry. Your husband is like a child who gets mad when he realizes he no longer has full control of the situation. He is directing his anger to you, because there is no one else around who is suitable for that purpose. Dear Friend, do not stay around to wait until things get worse. Leave before your husband will hurt you more.

You have endured so much in your marriage, it is now time for you to think of yourself instead of thinking of your husband. You are right, you are suffering of mental addiction, which is making it very hard for you to leave. When you leave, you will feel miserable for a while, there is no way of avoiding that. But after some time has passed, you start to feel better. Let this knowledge give you strength. You will find help and encouragement from this website. To read more about how to get over cheating and narcissism in a relationship, please visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism. Think of the mental addiction as a "wall" that is standing between you and freedom and peace of mind. You must climb over that wall to get to the new world. Once you are in that new world, you never wish to return to the dark place you came from. Leave that dark place behind the wall, walk away and do not look back.

Remember that this man does not love you. If he did, he would NEVER have done the things he has done. Ask yourself could you treat your husband this way. I am sure the answer is "no". Your answer is "no", because you have loved your husband from all your heart. Unfortunately he has not felt the same way. It is possible your husband is not capable of truly loving another human being and putting that person as priority, over his own needs and desires. Dear Friend, it is important that you understand you are not to blame for what has happened. This is all about your husband. He has caused all this with his actions and choices he has made, not you. You could not have done anything more or anything better. Please do not waste your precious life for someone who does not care for you as much as you care for him. This man has not respected you. He has treated you very badly. Do not allow him to continue to do so. You have the power to change your life.

Warm hug,

Maria

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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