I do love my boyfriend, but I cannot get this girl out of my head.  They work together which makes it so much harder for me.  The thing that gets me too is that she isn't even attractive.  That hurts.  The fact that he would go for someone so ordinary and not the nicest of people (whenever he talks about her he mentions how depressed she is and that she is always negative and not very nice) really is very upsetting.  I just want to run away.

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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

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Dear Friend,

Thank you for sending your story. I understand your feelings so well. It is hard to learn to trust again after being betrayed in the past. You said your ex husband cheated on you and that made you feel extremely depressed for several months. It is natural to go through such feelings after finding out about cheating. You said you could not function for months and that you are still not feeling totally happy with your life. Dear Friend, as you said yourself, it is clear that you have slowly over the years become depressed. If you wish to understand what kinds of changes take place in one's brain when one experiences cheating in a relationship, please read this article: Cheating and Brain.

Often people think one is not severely depressed if one can function and survive in everyday life, take care of home and children etc. This is very incorrect thinking. You wrote that you do not remember when you have felt happy last time. That is a very strong indicator of serious depression.

Usually a diagnosis of depression is made if a patient reports not being able to experience feelings of joy for a few weeks in a row. The threshold is that low. And yet there are so many people who are feeling depressed and unable to experience positive feelings for months and years. Their condition can go undiagnosed and unnoticed for a long time. Often they are not even themselves aware of the seriousness of their condition.

People who are close to a depressed person do not necessarily realize how depressed their family member / friend actually is. A depressed person is not always just laying in bed all day long, not being able to take care of the home, the bills etc. That happy-looking neighbor of yours who's life seems to be so perfect and balanced could be depressed deep n her mind. We are often very good at hiding our true feelings from the world. We smile even though we are hurting inside. Often we fail to understand the seriousness of our condition until the situation has already gotten quite bad.

Dear Friend, I am not saying these things in order to make you feel worse. I am saying these things because I know how hard it can be to realize the seriousness of one's condition. You are a mother and I am sure you feel your priority is your family. I believe you have been able to take care of your children and your "duties" as a mother, but in the same time you may have become mentally very tired due to unprocessed emotions, without even noticing it. Dear Friend, you need to put yourself as priority. If you are feeling well, so is your family.

It is no surprising if you have become tired after what you have been going through. You experienced cheating and betrayal in your previous relationship, your husband who your loved dearly left you after cheating on you and it took months before you could start to function again. Dear Friend, do not underestimate the traumatic affect cheating has on a person. You went through one of the hardest things that can happen to us in our lifetime. Finding out about cheating is like a small death. You trust and love someone fully and then that person betrays you. After experiencing cheating in a relationship one must rebuild one's image of oneself and the surrounding world. That process of recovery can take a long time.

Dear Friend, in your case you were not yet completely recovered from the trauma caused by cheating of your ex husband when you found yourself in a relationship with a man who you did not yet know well, and you had a baby on the way. From that moment on you had to put your own needs and feelings aside and start to take care of your new family. But your unprocessed feelings related to the memories of cheating were still there in the back of your mind, buried deep into your subconsciousness, slowly making you more and more sad and tired.

This was the state you were in when you found out about the text messages between your boyfriend and that girl at his work. Your old wounds were not completely healed and then you found out your boyfriend was doing something behind your back. You were instantly sucked back into those dark places you were when you were depressed after finding out about the cheating of your ex husband. Your reactions are perfectly normal in this situation. You are finding it very hard to trust your boyfriend. You want to trust him, but you do not know how. Doubts and fears are constantly in your mind, preventing you from fully enjoying your life, your family and your relationship.

Dear Friend, you have taken the first step towards recovery and happier life by writing your letter to me. It is often very hard to admit to oneself that there is a problem and that one needs help. Only after one realizes the seriousness of the situation, one can start the healing process. You have now taken that step. It is important that you know your situation is not unique. There is nothing wrong with you. Countless women have experienced what you have experienced and have survived. You will survive too.

Right now you need to be patient and give yourself time to recover. You need to heal the old wounds caused by the cheating and betrayal of your ex husband, and then you need to concentrate on learning to trust your boyfriend again. Please remember that the most important thing for you to know is that your boyfriend wants to be with you, not with someone else. If your boyfriend wanted to be with someone else, he would have left you by now.

Often people fail to see this simple fact: No one forces your boyfriend to be with you. He is staying with you because of his own free will. Your boyfriend is right now by your side. It is impossible to predict what will happen in the future. No one knows that. And in the end that is not important. What is important is this moment. Your boyfriend has not been having a long-term secret romantic relationship with another woman. He has made a mistake by getting too close to another woman when he was drunk, but it seems that he realized after the incident that what he really wants is to be with you and he did not want to jeopardize your relationship.

Dear Friend, I understand you feel bad thinking your boyfriend is working together with this woman. But please do not torment yourself with thoughts of your boyfriend getting involved with her. Even if your boyfriend is sending sometimes a text message or two to that woman, that does not mean your boyfriend is in love with her.

Think about yourself: If you sent a text message to some male friend of yours, that does not mean you want to get involved with that man. Actions speak. And so far your boyfriend has not shown any signs that he would like to go away from you. On the contrary, it seems your boyfriend is trying to help you by talking in a slightly negative way about that other woman. Try to put yourself into your boyfriend's position: If he was strongly jealous of some male co-worker of yours, you might try to help your boyfriend to feel more secure by talking in a bit negative fashion about that person. Of course it is not possible to know for sure if this is the reason your boyfriend is talking in a negative way about that woman, but it is one very likely explanation.

Dear Friend, this is the most important thing to remember: Actions speak. Your boyfriend is with you. It seems he really wants to be with you. Anyone can make small mistakes. What is important is the big picture. You said you want to trust your boyfriend. Look at the big picture and you will see there is nothing that implies your boyfriend would want to go away from you. Do not spend your life worrying about things that have not yet happened and might never happen. Worry about those things only if they happen. Now is the time to enjoy your family and your relationship.

These are very precious years in your life. Your children are young, you and your boyfriend still have your health and youth. Dear Friend, enjoy your life to the fullest, forget the dark thoughts. There is no evidence that your boyfriend has any desire to cheat on you. He sent couple txts and called to his co-worker when he was drunk (and probably depressed since you had moved out), but as far as you know your boyfriend has not had sexual or romantic relationship with another woman. That is the most important thing. Think how hard it would be for you if your boyfriend actually had sex with another woman. Now you do not have to deal with that pain. There is no reason why you should not allow yourself to trust your boyfriend at this time.

Dear Friend, I strongly recommend you to go to talk to a counselor about your feelings. A professional can help you to regain your happiness and to heal your old wounds faster. Do not just let things continue the same, make the decision to change your life. You can do it. The aim of this website is to help you in that process.

Thank you so much for sending your story. By doing so you are helping others who are in a similar situation. Dear Visitor, to read more about how to get over cheating and narcissism in a relationship, please visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism.

Warm hug,

Maria

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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Comments (2)

• |2011-05-20 01:42:46 me  - was there
  yes i have been there. my husband cheated on me with this girl at his job. he says that there is nothing going on right now but since they still work together its hard for me to believe that. i try really hard to trust him but i still find myself doubting. i keep searching for clues because i feel that its still there. he gives me no reason to think but then i was not thinking that he would have done that to me when he did anyway. over time they say the wounds will heal but i do think its going to be a long time.
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• |2011-04-28 11:46:31 Tracy  - Cheating or just plain nasty?
  My boyfriend and myself have had a hard time the last 3 years , at the beginning, he was unsure if he wanted me or his ex, he went back to her twice! Then come back to me, and 5 months ago he moved out like he does every other week but this time he told me he was moving on with this girl and he did for a week and then he said sorry and came back to me and I forgave him. now I don't trust him and I think he is sleeping around. But he says he loves me and he says hes been faithful and honest since the girl episode ! What do I do I'm going crazy!
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