I have had a 5 year long relationship wid this guy and it was all ups and downs, but i love him, but we started fighting a lot and kept breaking up and coming back together. One day things got out of hand and i broke up wid him, he did not call up and i was very upset, i decided to chuck him out of my life and got very drunk and slept with a guy friend. I told my bf 2 or 3 days later but then got scared of loosing him and lied to him saying i was trying to make him jealous to get him back.. but i was very guilty and cud not be wid him, i finally got to know he has a gf and then i confessed to him and he was hurt but he forgave me and wants to be friends, but i want im back.. please tell me what to do...

Hi Maria,

I came across your site and I would really love to get your advice because I feel so torn. My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years now. We started dating when I was 15 years old and he was 18. Before him, I had already had 3 boyfriends all of whom I slept with. I know, I had sex at a very young age. The thing is, my current boyfriend was still a virgin when we started dating, not to mention I was his first and only girlfriend ever! It bothered him a lot that I had sex with other guys, but he eventually got over it because I keep reminding him that I did all that stuff BEFORE we started dating. Well, before I even graduated HS, he left to join the Marine Corp. It was hard having him away but there was no doubt in my mind that I loved this boy so much that not even distance could get in the way. When I went off to college, it was at a university 25minutes away from where he was stationed so everything worked out perfectly and for all 4 years of my college experience we did EVERYTHING together. All my friends became his friends and all his friends became my friends. The only times we were really apart was when he got deployed, first to Iraq, second to Afghanistan. When he was deployed those both times, I was never tempted to cheat on him. I loved him so much. I believed that it was meant to be. Everyone was routing for us. Then during my final year as an undergrad, which was right after he got back from Afghanistan, I just felt like things weren't the same anymore. Like that fire was slowly dieing away. But I kept telling myself that that was normal, that all relationships go through that, especially after being together for 6 years. It was a red flag for me though because I always told myself that I would keep that fire burning between us and I would never let us get to that point where our relationship seemed overbearing and monotonous and just not how it used to be. Through all this I was also reminded of how less affectionate he was nowadays. He used to be so romantic and affectionate and sweet but now it seemed like he was just doing what he did because he had to because he was my boyfriend. I just didn't feel like he loved me especially because I NEVER stopped showing him affection. I ALWAYS remind him how much I love him and care for him and he says it back..but that's just it, I always bring it up first not him. I also told myself that that was normal in every relationship too when the guy is not as affectionate as he used to be. But I guess my emotions started messing with me and then I started to think that he had a secret crush on my roommate and friend because they joke around all the time and he says she's cute and I just got so jealous! Because I felt like I was too boring for him and he was always laughing with her.

Well, I got close to this transfer student and I told him about all my doubts about my boyfriend which was obviously the worst thing to do. And this boy, which I will call Jonah, of course took advantage of that and comforted me and told me everything a vulnerable girl would love to hear... like how beautiful and perfect I was and how my boyfriend was so lucky to have me. Well, we got pretty close and then one day he put his arms around me. It was awkward and I was confused, but I didn't stop him. But once we got back to his car, I laid it out plain and simple - He was getting the wrong picture. I didn't want to be with him, I loved my boyfriend and he (Jonah) and I could not be friends anymore. So I stopped talking to him for a month. Things didn't seem to get better between me and my boyfriend. And believe me, I thought about telling how I felt about his lack of affection but I already tried doing that a couple years back and all he did was throw it back in my face and get mad at me so I knew talking to him about it wasn't going to get anywhere... but I really know now that I should've talked to him. Anyway, one night I was out with friends and got totally hammered at this place. I ended up getting so drunk that I got lost and for some reason the person I called was Jonah (whom I knew was also at the same event). Well he helped me find my way back but next thing you know, he was trying to have sex with me. I woke up from my drunken mess and said STOP what are you doing?! Please I don't want to do this! And he said he wouldn't if I didn't want to and I don't even remember if I said yes or not but as you may have guessed, yes we had sex. I totally regretted it that night and was sick to my stomach about it. The next day I told Jonah that we had to talk about it. So we met up, but all he did was try to put a move on me!!!! But we didn't do anything. Well that same night (the night after I had sex with Jonah), I was going out to party and got wasted again and I started to think about sex. Then JOnah popped into my head and I texted him that we should have sex! And he said yes! I don't even know why I said that because I never thought about it ever again that whole night plus I ended up getting so wasted. Well that's the bad part, I got so wasted that I was dropped off to my boyfriend and he read my text messages to Jonah. The next day he flipped and he didn't talk to me for days. Then when we finally met up, he said he would forgive me but that I had to be honest. He asked me if I had cheated and I was so scared to tel him the truth that I said no. Then I knew I was screwed forever.

My boyfriend and I tried to work things out and I tried to forget about what I did, but I kept feeling guiltier and guiltier everyday. I had stopped texting Jonah, but because this guilt was constantly looming over my head, I started texting him again saying how much of an idiot I was for having sex with him and how much I hated him. Then he would comfort me saying that it was a mistake and I just had to forget about it. It was the same cycle over and over with JOnah. I would text him getting mad at him for what we did and telling him how guilty I felt that I had to tell my boyfriend because I really did love him and all Jonah would do was convince me not to open my mouth. Well a few months later, Jonah and I met up to talk about the same thing, and well, he put a move on me and tried so hard to have sex with me despite me saying NO. I guess being the freaky person that I am, I just ended up grinding on him but that was it. I didn't even make out with him or anything. Of course right after I felt guilty again and told Jonah we couldn't talk anymore. Then as usual I texted him saying how guilty I felt and how much I hated him, so he said we should meet up again and talk. Despite my better judgement we met up again and once again he put a move on me and then we had sex AGAIN. Which was stupid because I told him to promise me NOT to do anything to me and even when he started to put moves on me I tried to get away but he kept pulling me back that I said fuck it and then we started having sex. But as soon as it happened again I felt guilty and I kept saying "please please I feel bad" the WHOLE time. Thank GOd that was the last time. But two times too many.

I stopped talking to Jonah for a long time, but my guilt never went away. I knew that if I was planning on spending the rest of my life with my boyfriend, if I really loved him I had to tell him the truth. So finally I did. He was so heartbroken. I was SO sure he was going to leave me, but he didn't. He cried and cried and cried so much in front of me and in front of my friends. He didn't eat for days. He couldn't look at me for weeks. It was so horrible. But he stayed with me. I didn't ask him to, but he did. He asked me everything and anything about what happened, which I learned is normal because guys want details so that they picture what happened visually, but that this is also a bad thing because they just replay it over and over and over. Well we told each other we would work things out but my boyfriend also said he wanted a break. It was hard having a break because he lived with me. But I tried to give him his space and I tried to answer his questions but a lot of the times I didn't have answers either because I don't remember because it was several months ago or because he was asking for crazy details like where did I put my arm when he was doing me doggy style the second time.. you know, things like that. Well while we were working things out, some of my girlfriends came up to me on separate occasions, telling me that they noticed my boyfriend and my roommate getting really close. This was the same roommate I was getting jealous about in the beginning. So I confronted my boyfriend about it and he said they got really close because she was helping him get through what I did to him but they were just friends and nothing ever happened between them. So I relayed the message to my doubtful girlfriends and told them that I trusted the both of them.

Well, I soon came to find out that in reality my roommate and friend ended up liking my boyfriend and because my boyfriend was so pissed at me, he tried to do things with her just to get back at me. He was basically using her and playing along so he could get back at me. Well I confronted him and confronted her and told them both to stop talking to each other. My boyfriend felt bad about it and assured me that he was just doing it to get back at me and that all they ever did was make out a few times and he really didn't have feelings for and that I should be happy because my roommate is actually very jealous of me for being able to have him despite me cheating on him. But then, my boyfriend would again bring up how I cheated on him and then he would start to get mad at me saying why he even lets me give him shit about being friends with my roommate because I did so much worse. So then I would say fine go ahead and talk to her whatever you're right. So they would talk and hang out for a LONG TIME then I just got all crazy and jealous that I would scold him every time he got back home that he was spending too much time with her and that she likes him so why is he leading her on. Then he would give me shit about how I cheated on him and how it's not fair that I don't let him hang out with his friend (my roommate). Well I was being overprotective of him because I still want him and I knew that she liked him and she was supposed to be my FRIEND!

Well we would keep arguing about my roommate over and over and over and then one day he says fine, "you know what I want, I want to have sex with other people. You had sex with other people and I've only had sex with you." I said, "fine, go ahead. If you think this'll make our relationship better then go ahead." Then he says, I want to have sex with your roommate because I know she wants to and she'll let me. I said no, anyone but her. Then we get into this crazy argument and then he would make me feel guilty because it's my fault in the first place for cheating on him and this would go on and on and on. Then after a few days or weeks or so he brings it up again and I say fine, have sex with her. And guess what, they did. I lost my mind. I went crazy on him. I didn't think he would do it! I didn't think SHE would do it!!!! But he felt bad for me and said he was only doing that to get back at me but that he really didn't have any feelings for her, she was just the easiest one to get. Now they don't talk anymore because I think she realized what happened. But, I still think about them having sex all the time. And what's scary is that they actually had a relationship like they were very very good best friends! It breaks my heart, but now I have some sort of understanding about what I put my boyfriend through. I give him shit about it here and there but then of course he always turns it around on me saying it's my fault for cheating on him and it's not even that bad because I cheated on him TWO times with NO PREMISE at all while he only had sex with that girl because I said he could and he just wanted to get even.

Well now that they don't talk anymore, he says that he wants to have the same amount of sex I've had with all my ex-boyfriends, which adds up to 40 times minus that one time with my now ex-roommate and ex-friend. I tell him fine go ahead, just don't let it be one of my friends and don't be obvious. And despite me telling him he could do whatever he wants basically, he doubts that I mean that since I told him he could have sex with my ex-roommate, yet when it really did happen I went crazy on him. Well, I didn't think she would do it especially, and I also thought at that time that IF it did happen that I could deal with it because I just wanted to fix my relationship with my boyfriend already and if that was going to help, then why not I guess. But it was so much harder to deal with than I thought. But, he still makes me feel guilty ALL the time and asks me the SAME questions all the time and honestly sometimes I can't answer them.

This has gotten so complicated and of course everyone says to leave him. But if anyone could put themselves in my shoes, it is so much easier said than done. Yes, I hate that he's going to have sex with other people, but to me it's worth it because I love him very much. Yes, our flame died a little and I doubted his love for me, but when I saw how tormented he was after I told him the truth, I knew that he really did love me. He even said, "I always thought you were the perfect girlfriend. I was so proud of you. Everyone in Iraq and Afghanistan told me that you would cheat on me, but I really believed that you wouldn't. I didn't even have sex with anyone but you while you had sex with multiple other guys, but I told myself I could live with that because that was in the past. Now you've just ruined me and my life sucks." So I tell him, if I ruined your life so much then why do you want to be with me? He says, "my life will suck with or without you. It sucks now because you cheated on me, but if you leave me I'll be just as heartbroken." I know he's being sincere, but this whole situation sucks. Even when I think about giving us a real break where we're not living together, he says he doesn't want me to leave and that he loves having me there. He says he just has to deal with what I did and that it's going to take time. But EVERYDAY it comes up. I'm so unhappy. I love him, but I already bash myself everyday about it and then he adds on to it and the arguments get so bad. I try to hold my tongue all the time because I was the one in the wrong and I just need to shut up and listen, but sometimes I can't help but argue back like when he says I'm not telling him the whole truth or that I really wanted to have sex with Jonah that's why I did it.

PLEASE MARIA, I'm desperate. Give me advice PLEASE. It's getting SO bad, much worse than I have described. It's a nightmare but I can't leave him, I love him too much.

i know what your going through i had a party at my house last weekend and ended up cheating. i feel so stupid.WE need to give these men time to heal. but do show u care such as smiling when u look at him, hugs, talk ect...even though you cheated tell him u now realise how much more u love him. If he loves u he will take u back. Help out by showing good signs and letting him know u care about himm still and u love him. Just tell him your feelings. stay calm and respect him a hell lot more for as long as you two are together. Best luck to u and I.

what do i do in a situation where my bf doesn't trust me? He doesn't want me to have guys as my friends yet i find it very easy to mingle with guys than with girls. He expects me to tell him about evey guy that comes to ask me out, but i keep somethings from him and so when he eventually finds out he terms it as being unfaithful to him. What do I do 'cos the situation is really affecting our relationship, he's even telling me that he is quitting. Pls help me out

I JUST WANT MY BF BACK I LOVE HIM A LOT