Dear Maria,

My husband of 8 years cheated on me and left me. The situation is rather complicated. I am 48 years old, a college educated professional. He is younger than me and has bounced from one job to another his entire life. When we met, I was financially stable, emotionally stable, in great shape and very pretty. I have maintained my professional standing, however, financially I get by.

During the course of our marriage he has tried college, the military and many jobs, however, none seemed to be the right fit. No matter what I stood behind him. One year ago he was able to get into law enforcement. He excelled in this occupation. He gained the trust and respect of the officers and superiors he worked with very easily. However, after arresting a stripper on a drug charge, he had an affair with her while the charge were still pending (this is not acceptable to any law enforcement agency). She has a great body but not impressed by her looks or smarts.

This obviously was a moral issue for the department he worked for and a internal investigation ensued. I became the target of the reason he ultimately had to resign or be fired. True, when his superiors asked me questions, I did not lie for him. I sought the truth and told the truth. The day he left to have his first sexual encounter with this woman was the last day he came home. He was caught by me with this lady and I made it known to everyone including his colleagues. Maybe I could have handled the situation differently but as I later discovered the internal investigation was already in place before I ever even knew about the affair.

I have struggled to understand any of this. Why would a man do this to begin with. Why would he put the career he has searched for and is great at on the line. Why would he in the end not take responsibility for his actions and make at least an attempt to save his marriage.  He doesn’t even really know this woman. How can you throw away everything so easily.

__________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. If you wish to read more about me, please visit page Site Overview.

__________

Dear Friend,

I am sorry to hear you are going through such a painful time in your life. You did the right thing when you told the truth as the internal investigation was going on. From the point of view of your ex husband you probably let him down, but you could not have lied for him, especially in a situation like this. He had been cheating on you and lying to you, why should you protect a person like that? What loyalty can he expect from you after first betraying your trust in such a cruel way with this stripper?

Even if everything was well in your relationship, it is a very though decision to make whether to lie for someone you love in order to save his or her job, or stick to the truth. It is everyone's own decision to make, these are very personal matters and it is not my place to tell others how to live their life. Often in life things are not black and white and it is difficult to make the right decision. But after your husband cheated on you and let you down in such a cold way, no one expects you to keep your mouth shut about the matter. Please do not blame yourself for revealing his betrayal to people around him. Sometimes a humiliation like that is the only way a person learns to stop cheating. You might have done your ex husband a big favor by revealing his betrayal to others.

I do not know the details of your relationship, but it sounds like your husband has some narcissistic features. Not being able to hold on to a steady job and not having a clear direction to his life, these traits are often met in people who are suffering of a narcissistic personality disorder. A narcissist can be very ambitious, he or she can have big plans and dreams concerning the future, but those dreams are often unrealistic and too difficult for a narcissist to achieve.This can be very frustrating to a narcissist and may result in cheating and lying, as narcissist is trying to fill the emptiness in his or her life with external things such as an affair etc.

If a narcissist does not have an access to a narcissistic supply (admiration, excitement, success etc), a narcissist becomes restless, impatient, nervous and even anxious. If your husband has narcissistic tendencies, he might have gotten bored in his steady relationship and started to look for the excitement and thrill, and this stripper was a perfect "source".

The most important thing for you to understand is that this is NOT about you, this is just the way narcissists are, it is difficult for them to remain faithful and so they often end up cheating and lying to their partners. I recommend you visit the page Recovery After Narcissism and Cheating to learn how to get over cheating and narcissism and how to move on with your life. If you can control your emotions, it will be easier for you to let go of the painful memories and thoughts.

During your marriage, your husband was not able to find his own place in life. He tried several jobs, tried to study, nothing felt "right" for him. In the same time your husband saw how well you made in your life in terms of education and work. That must have made your husband feel even more insignificant. Narcissists have a permanent feeling of emptiness inside them, only an access to a narcissistic supply can ease that empty feeling. But the relief only lasts for a short while and after that a narcissist starts to look for another source of supply, often resulting in cheating). I do not know if your husband has shown any other signs of being narcissistic (mental abuse, emotional coldness, will to control etc) so it is difficult to say for sure whether he is a narcissist or not. But in the end that does not matter so much. Your husband has shown with his behavior (the fact that he cheated on you and lied to you) that he does not respect you. That is all you need to know. You would not wish to live your life with a man who does not respect you, who lies to you and lets you down, would you?

Dear Friend, I know it is hard to get over cheating. It is one of the hardest things in life. Unfortunately many people experience cheating and betrayal at some point during their lives. But what does not kill you, makes you stronger. This old phrase is very true. Dear Friend, try your best to let go of the feelings of anger and bitterness. That is the only way to move on with your life. I know it is hard. But I have faith in you! I wish to help you any way I can. Please feel free to write to me anytime you want. I am here for you. For more information regarding these topics, visit page Recovery After Narcissism and Cheating.

Warm hug,

- Maria

To read more personal stories of life with narcissistic spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Narcissistic Spouse. To read more about narcissism and how the mind of narcissist works, go to section Narcissism. To read about cheating and how the mind of a cheater works, go to section Cheating and Infidelity. To read personal stories of life with cheating spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Cheating and Infidelity.

• Add New
• Search

Comments (2)

• |2011-12-25 18:44:04 Cissy  - 60, lost and confused, trying to start over
  Please help. I am so confused and hurt. My marriage of 36 years is ending. He is an alcoholic. He found a woman to drink with, and is now having sex with. We have not been intimate for 13 years. He told me it was because I was too fat, though later told me he never said that. A woman does not make up such a painful remark. Our marriage was not a bad one, because I loved him, and just accepted what was. He was not mean, just emotionally distant. I did not work, now I wish I had, because now I am financially insecure. I do not understand what happened. I asked him what I did that made him leave. He said he did not want to do this anymore. ? He said I was a better person then him, that I saw what was right and wanted to do it, and he didn't. I don't know what that means. I am human, I like to make people happy, I don't want to hurt people? What is he talking about? He also said he could not deal with my getting angry when I am hurt. I do not throw things, or yell. I get cold, I pull away. How should you react when you are hurt? He says he doesn't want me thinking it is my fault, but when I ask questions about what went wrong he says he doesn't want to discuss our marriage right now because he doesn't want to hurt me. Maybe someday we can sit down and discuss it he says. I am lost. I am so hurt. I do not understand. I am getting a divorce. I do not want him back, or so I tell myself. We have been seperated 4 months now. There are good days and the bad ones aren't as intense as at first. But I wish I could understand. I tell myself it is not about her. She is only a year younger then me, but looks 10 years older.
  I have lost all my weight, am a size 6, and I am told I am pretty. So it is not about looks. But I will not drink with him. He found her after his dui. I feel like this is about the fact that he knows he is an alcoholic, which we have been trying to get him to see for years, and he has decided to go be and do all the things he has tended toward, but fought for so long. My daughter says it is because of his addiction, he is deep in it. I just want this feeling of feeling so unlovable and ugly to go away. I want to have a complete thought, not all over the place. I want to understand why someone would throw away their family, to go be with someone he would never even have looked at before. Please, are there any answers?
  • 0
  • 0

  Reply

• |2009-11-21 14:11:59 girlxx
  Thank you for sharing, I am sorry you had to go through all that. I know how hard it is to forget the cheating. Hang in there, big hug and positive thoughts!!!!
  • 0
  • 0

  Reply

Write comment

Your Contact Details:

Name:

Email: do not notifynotify

Comment:

Title:

Message:

Security

Please input the anti-spam code that you can read in the image.