Please stop sending me post after post in my email! Thank u

Dear Friend,

If you wish to unsubscribe from a certain thread you can do so by altering your "notify" settings. I can do this for you if you send me your email address. Right now I unfortunately cannot unsubscribe you because your comment is anonymous without any identification information. You can send me your email address to searchforbalancemail@gmail.com along with a note that you would like to unsubscribe from a comment thread. Once I receive your email address I will immediately unsubscribe you from this thread.

- Admin

It's been almost 3 years now I've been N-free. I will say upfront, it was the worst thing I've ever been through. However, if I had to do it all exactly as before to be where I am today, then I would have to do it. To all of you out there who are wondering HOW to make it through another moment...just breathe. There was a time I didn't believe I could live without him. I thought he was my everything. I also fell in love with a very,very different person than what/who he turned in to. My story is like all the others only a different face on the N. Being able to move on does NOT happen overnight. It takes lots and lots of time. I mean alot of time. Once you admit you've really been had and you do not at all know the N...I mean...the N doesn't even know the N so how could you? Sure, I knew what he told me or what I saw or what he had me see...but once I grasped the fact the person in my home was not the person I believed him to be it got a whole lot easier. I don't mean it was "easy" ever BUT once I quit trying to make sense of each and every little thing and just let myself realize he was a con/liar and none of it meant anything to him(it was me who was trusting and loving)then things began to fall in to place over time. I still read about narcissism, I still remember the pain of that time in my life, I still remember the moments that were seemingly good ones(but you have to remember none of it was really ever real!) THEN I say "thank goodness I am not in that place today" and go about my business. I am happy to be where I am now and also...for whatever it is worth...it means something to me to have made it through. It was so difficult I never thought I would. But I did. If I can, then anyone can. I promise. Get out of the fog, let the heart break then heal and ride the waves of the emotions to come. Breathe when you don't think you will or even want to and keep on going. Do not let this N control your life, take another moment of your life or be able to hurt you ever again. You take control of your happiness and stick with the plan to be N free forever. Believe me, you will spot them now better than before and hit the highway without another thought other than "ugh...I remember and no-way". You will smile, laugh and feel joy again. I do.

I met N in Costa Rica about 9 years ago. After a month we married. I moved back to the states and brought her and her daughter 9 months later. The relationship was relatively fine with a few "raged" moments. She actually pulled a knife on me. But, somehow I think it was only to intimidate me. We had a baby so leaving her was a difficult decision.The true N came out a few years later when she got her green card; The first man she cheated on mne with (that I know of). I have always been trusting but this really hurt. She never felt bad, apologized, nor reassured me that it would never happen again. In fact, I caught her in numerous lies about it. The biggest was too obsurd to believe and insulted my intelligence. So I for a fresh start, I took a new job about 6 hrs away. About 8 months later, I got a good job offer for a Japan job. While there she asked me to buy her a $30,000 BMW. I said no. Then she wanted to go to Thailand for plastic surgery. I never complained about her body, in fact, I liked/loved her the way she was. TO get these material things she took a job. Then she complained that she couldnt get intimate with me bc she was tired. SO I brought her mother over to help out. That took a lot of money, energy and time from my part. This was her green light to go completly wild. I wouldnt see her for extended periods of time. Her philosophy was, "You dont support me, so we are only married by papers". I suspect there were multiple guys this time from many sourses as well as a letter aI found. It came to a head one night she was trying to "escape" to see her man. A fight broke out and she pulled a knife on me in front of our 2 year old daughter. She backed off. Later, she called the police. I told my story and her mother independantly corroberated it. She was charged with assault. FAst forward a couple of weeks to my birthday. This is good. I book a romantic getway to start some kind of a healing process. All I got was a cold shoulder(which I was used to by this point)and she lied and told me she needed money bc she didnt get paid. I said OK. Ill give her a little extra so she might get me a little gift. Instead, She bought her boyfriend a gift for "whiteday" (a japanese hoilday;valentines in reverse, girl buys a gift) and on top of that she went into my wallent and took my card only to buy 2 cases of beer for her friends boyfriend for his birthday! SHe still defends her position. About a month later she assaulted my step-daughter and got arrested. I reported this one. The rest of the time she still saw her men and one in particular. She was all of a sudden not materialistic. HE was an illegal in Japn and didnt have much money. He was exploited for physical needs. She fell in love with this one. This really hurt bc I was missing so much the intimacy, openness, sharing. She gave me nothing. She him everything. I took another job to a near by island and she actually came. Upon arriving here, I discovered this relationship and brokedown a little. All the years of abuse with no remorse and now a spit on my face. I suffer bc it's really hard to divorse here without frequent trips back to the states but unfortunatley I might have to go back to deal with this "cancer".
The whole time she devalued me, degraded me; We married too soon for to try and woo me. She posesses zero empathy. She is cold and calculating with me but will share her life to strangers on fb. ANd I am made to feel like it's me. The sad thing is that I am so enraged inside by the abuse , that I "mimic" her behaviior to show her what she does. I hope I am not falling trap to that. I believe I am not because I still have heart and empathy. THe other wierd thing she does is make up obsurd stories when I catch her in lies. What is that about? Does she think I am that stupid? So anyway, Im trying to find a way out of this hell from this vampire without abandoning my kids. Unfortunatley the assaults wont count too much in US state courts. SO sad is that I still love her. I know this is a TOXIC situation and may have to decide to leave my kids with her in order to break. It's really good to see a website like this thats looks at many different aspects of this sickness. Any help would be appreciated!!!

What is this about telling lies that they don't even believe? I read a love letter she writes her boyfriend saying she is "in love". I point this out and she say "I am not really in love. I meant it another way." I try to point out you wouldn't tell your mother, brother, or child that but to deaf ears. I catch a reciept to a club dated ata certain time, but it's not hers. It just magically makes it's way into our bedroom floor. But its not hers bc I didnt see her at the club. Didnt care if she was. I care she lied about it. The list goes on....But what makes a person so determined to not get caught or be right to point of illogical behaviour like this? Its abuse in a way....

Claude, I know exactly what you are talking about. My ex would lie about the stupidest things, things I wouldn't have been angry about if he'd just told the truth. When they lie you can't help but get suspicious about what they were doing.
Whenever I did catch my N in a lie, he would deny deny deny even when I had hard evidence. Like one time he used my laptop and forgot to sign out. I went on the check my email and his email popped up instead. I didn't realize at first and as I am scanning my in box I see "Your new love matches" from Plenty of Fish. I thought " I don't belong to POF" then I looked closer and it was his. After he had promised in tears to get out of there if I would give him one more chance. Because he hadn't signed out I was able to check his correspondence, his favorites list etc he was trucking at the time and I found out he had made plans to meet one woman when he got back to Calgary. He used the same lines on every woman. That he believed in following his gut instincts and he had a gut feeling they were meant to be together. I sent each of the women each other's letters and then I made copies of all his emails to these women, about 10 of them. I confronted him and he denied it. I shook the papers in his face and said " its all right here!" He said it was from a long time ago¤ I said they are dated!! He said he didn't remember emailing any of those women. What can a person do when they just refuse to admit it? I would just give up.

I know how you feel and I have delt with this over 10years. I wish I could have those years back and have a man that loves me and not the games that they play. I have cried to myself to sleep and saying what could have went wrong. I have made up in my mind and heart that I love me more and I don't deserve this abuse

23 yearslater, I appreciate your post. Your right every situation is different and time has a way of healing what is..
My partner has made his choices, we all make our choices just as I have chosen to stay all these years and endure..
The steps are already moving along as they should be, I dont really have to do to much as it is all unfolding just the way god intends.
He has shown me that this is life with him and I on the other hand am not here to change anyone and turn them into something that they cannot be.
Yes I agree on the kids thing, he loves his kids as I do also but it we cannot find a common ground and are doing damage to these children than the end result only leads to one thing and that is to live separate from both parents in order for them to experience a happy and full life.
My first priority in this life is to make sure that I give all my children the best start in there life and that is going to be my mission.
It is sad that it cannot be with both their parents but I have 2 older boys and I left their dad for alot less.
Thank you for all your good wishes and today should be a happy day with love and family however, my partner is on the couch like a wet cat slothing and ignoring all of us as I have been distant due to my deciding not to take heartache any more so we are spending a xmas day doing what we did yesterday and the day before that.
I did spend the morning with the kids opening presents and building leggo
No I am not trying to fix us although that thought briefly enters my mind and now leaves quick. I feel pity and sorry for him as he is sick.

Happy Holdiays
To All!
Ann

Ann - I don't know if you can work on yourself and stay in the same house. I didn't even realize 'what' I had to work on until I was able to be separate for a while. When I was still with him I was trying to fix us. I tried the "lets give each other space" mode for a couple of months but it just seemed to make things more tense because they weren't right, they weren't as they normally are, and they weren't resolved. Obviously your guy may make different choices than mine so maybe you will have a different result. I would still be with my husband today if there had been anyway for me to continue to endure. When his behavior started affecting my kids so badly I KNEW I had to save them from years of tension and tiptoeing around Daddy. I believe that God has directed my steps in order to prepare me for the ultimate separation I am now finalizing. Our divorce will more than likely be final within a couple of weeks. UUUUGGGGHHHH! Not what I wanted my life to be. I will pray for you Ann that God will also direct your steps and that you will somehow find comfort in or out of this relationship. XOXO

Well, 23 yearslater I guess you are right in saying that its steps. This makes sense as I have been noticing since joining this site a month ago that the sex died down due to affairs etc. He still wants it just not with me. I worry about him being violent so I pussy foot around most of the time but do still manage to be passive towrds him and he has taken a sharp turn for the "oh my she is getting on without me" look..he is now working on me ever so carefully and this is what my step is going to be..unlike before I am going to demand on my SPACE if he cannot allow me this than Im going to tell him its over..I am buying myself time so that I dont need to have him work on me one more time. Im done!
If anyone knows on the best way to keep a NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY off your back while living in the same house when there trying to work on your inner emotions PLEASE HELP!
Annxx

For me leaving was a step by step process. It was probably better for me than for some because I was the one with the job. I have four daughters and three dogs (which he continually harped about but one of which HE brought home!) The first thing I did was arrange for counseling through my church. He didn't have a choice but to go because he is a "devout" attender. We had been in counseling for about 2 months and nothing was changing. Raging, screaming, out of control emotional roller coaster was in full swing. I would like to point out that at this point I didn't even know about narcissism I just wanted my marriage fixed. I told N that I couldn't handle his picture of me anymore that I had come to believe I wasn't this person he described. After that 2 months I asked him to move into the spare room because I wasn't sleeping and I was the one who had to go to work every morning. This wasn't a huge deal to him because he had lost all interest in me over a year prior. When I would bring up that we weren't intimate anymore he would blame me and one time actually said, "Well I guess I have to service you, huh?" 3 more months of counseling I asked him to move out at Thanksgiving. He refused. I didn't know what to do. Felt like I had no control. I concentrated on getting through the holidays and kept praying that something would change. We kept going to counseling (he skipped a few of his weekly sessions because he "forgot". Through this time his behavior started to escalate and he began acting out more often in front of my girls. I couldn't stand what it was doing to them. One morning in March he was expounding on a news story he had just watched on TV. I didn't agree with his take on it and said so. He shut up (silent treatment) got his cereal and sat down to slurp his breakfast. I asked him if he was angry he denied (silent treatment) to which I replied "you are acting like you are angry." He then said the final words that broke my proverbial back, "I have learned that if I want any peace in my house I have to acquiese to you in all things." ACQUIESE? That is just a big fancy word for roll over and get raped! He acquise to me? Ha! All this over a stupid news story that doesn't even affect our lives directly!?! I left for work willing to walk away from everything except the kids and the dogs. I found a rental property that day and was prepared to leave him. When I asked him to move out that night he refused and I got a 2 hour lecture on why I wasn't a Godly woman because I was breaking up our family. His behavior was horrible. He cornered my 11 year old daughter in her room while she was in a towel after her shower and began to pressure her to keep him around. He was saying things like, "You tell me to stay and I will stay. I will tell your mom that she can't break up our family. I won't let her do this to us if you want me to stay." SHE WAS IN A TOWEL and he had her trapped in her room. Tears were streaming down her face. I got between them and backed him out of the room. I told my daughter that this wasn't her decision and that her Dad was wrong even talking to her about it and that she was going to live with me no matter what. I told my N that if he tried to talk to her again that night I would call every pastor I knew and drag them out to our house in the middle of the night (Would have been a big DING on his reputation). After meeting with our counselors the next day he finally decided to move out and I did not have to go to the rental. He continued to refuse to leave saying that I was never going to find a place to take my kids and my dogs. When he found out I had an option he finally left. Since then his behavior has been rediculously extreme. But now he has been arrested with telephonic harassment talked to harshly by the Distict Attorney (who attends his sunday school class) and is finally leaving me alone. The emoitonal steps were difficult as well but too involved to detail on this post. But for me it was steps. I only realized that I was dealing with an N after I saw another professional counselor who after listening to my story diagnosed him. I thought I was losing my mind but now I know he was never in possession of his! Make a plan, figure out your options, one step after another.

I recently (6-weeks) ended a 23-year relationship with an N after repeatedly trying to recover over and over again until I finally got it. We had not been intimate for 8-weeks prior to the end which, in hindsight, only made it easier for me. It was a long process and I eventually ended up moving 1400+ miles away to end the drama. I have my peaks and valleys and seriously have no regrets. What I find a bit disturbing is what I have seen on other websites (particularly http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx36.htm). It is actually printed that "Narcissistic personality disorder is more prevalent in males than females, and is thought to occur in less than 1 percent in the general population." I personally find this offensive because in my experience (and others as well), I think that this disorder is WAY more prevalent than that. For all my sisters in heart, please hang in there. It really does get better! It just takes time to re-wire your thinking and get over the brain-washing. Thank you, Maria! What a great resource you are!!!

Hey Christine,
Im now after 19 years finally trying to get out and break free of my husband. If you dont mind me asking, just what or how did you finally do it? ...Did you do this in steps or was it you just woke up one morning and walked?
Thanks, any input is appreciated bunches and Im glad you are out and proud of you christine.

Christine why am I ready to leave all this behind and am not prepared to walk right now as we speak? ( I'm trying to save and get car and place and have gone on pension) how can this man have such a hold on me that he has made me believe that he is the only one for me? he treats me like I'm invisible and he has no respect or morales. I am curious to hear about the steps of your escape. I am at the stage were fighting and showing him how I really feel does more damage so I have been nice and the fighting has stopped but he is more of an oral pain in the glutes maximus than he originally was when I was trying to work things out in the past. I am so tired. I'm worried I'm going to die here sometimes.
thanks for listening
Ann

Hello,

This is one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. It's bad enough that the narcissistic man I was with cheated on me with another woman simultaneously (I got out when I had enough proof and felt humiliated). This woman is obnoxious, and the whole thing made me sick to my stomach with anxiety and stress to have to witness. His behaviour started to change as he tried to play/have both of us, and he of course denied it all and blamed me for questioning his character.

And now, after I've shown him that I won't buy his story (he still denies he's involved with her) he is suddenly giving me the silent treatment, ignoring me, and angrily spitting out hello's and barely saying goodbye. It's unreal. He has no cause to be mad at ME! He broke MY heart....

How can I cope with the heartache??

Hi Rinalda, Read your post and can relate to where you claim he hands out the silent
treatments. Been dealing with those 19 years.
I find it so immature of these men to act this way. It seems so damn odd watching their behavior and then I end up asking myself ''How the hell Lisa could you have gotten involved with such a odd personality'' ...Well i have no answers to that ..yet. This silent treatment can go on for days,months at a time. It can tear at you and drive you into depression or worse ..anger .Im dealing with both emotions right now. Tierd of feeling this way 24/7 so taking steps to get the hell out. one more other thing to mention ..isnt it odd that these assholes show no remorse or even notice the cry spells or expressions on our faces daily. Unreal is right Rinalda. Stay strong girl and hugs.

for those that have had there heart broken, my heart cries out to you. having the one person that you let your guard down and allow to enter the most precious thing ( your heart) is so over wheming!!!!!! my partner made me believe that he loved me and I was his sole mate. he sold me all the words and all the lies imaginable, he did everything in his power in order for me to hand my heart over and now this same person is bored and needs to find a mate to play love with. he has watched me cry like a baby and I'm not ashamed to say it... he treats me like I owe him and he is hard done by. will not acknowledge our chilren as he is busy being a school kid doing his own fun stuff. that's crap! I want my heart back because he repeatedly keeps breaking it and I let him. he has nothing to offer but heart break and a sole full of broken promises and lies. I might be here but I'm done... it's a matter of time before I am going to take back my heart and share it with someone that knows what to do with it. not someone that wants to use me! he is a user!!! sorry folks but I've had enough and need some outbreak.
thanks for listening and I hope this gives hope to you all that we can survive. let's take back out heart as it is a very precious gift from god and we shouldn't sell it to people like these.
keep smiling
Ann

You know to say the Most precious thing which is "Your Heart"... Never have I thought of that but is so true..Just wants your heart so they can step on, stomp on, make fun of and abuse you every emotional and physical way possible...WOW...Very interesting and very sad.

Coping...Now there is a word we all have to deal with given we are around people like these. I dont think tht they realize what it is like to have your heart broken as they are always on the other end of it. No he has no right to be mad withyou and dont give into it. I have been coping with this odd man now for 2 decades and have come to the reality that I have to fight or I will be stuck here till I die.
Ann
xx