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How to Leave a Narcissist - Advice and Support Print E-mail

 

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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

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In order to free yourself from the emotional "hook" your narcissistic spouse has embedded into your brain you must realize that you are a complete, whole person on your own. You do not need Narcissist to make you happy and worthy, you can create your own happiness. You alone choose how your life will evolve, do not let Narcissist make decisions for you. Once you realize that separation from Narcissist is actually a good thing rather than bad, you have taken a huge step towards the recovery.

In case of a mental disorder such as narcissism, a narcissist can only start to improve his or her behavior towards others after a narcissist has first realized and accepted that he or she has a problem. Also in case of depression, the recovery can truly begin only after person admits that he or she is depressed, stressed or has a burn-out. It is hard to admit that one cannot handle things anymore without help from outside. Often people fail to recognize the early signs of a burn-out and depression and just keep pushing forward until they finally fall.

The recovery after depression or burn-out takes a long time and may even require medication. Same applies to the recovery after a bad relationship. If you feel your life with your narcissistic spouse is taking you to this direction, please continue reading and find out how to stop the process before things go too far.

If you wish to learn about the methods I used to teach my mind and brain to let go of "addiction" to my narcissistic spouse, visit page Recovery After Narcissism and Cheating. There you can read more about the ways to teach the brain and the mind to get over negative events in life such as the betrayal and cheating. Same methods can be used to get over mentally abusive relationship with a narcissist. If you can control your emotions, it will be much easier for you to decide what to do with your relationship with a narcissist. You can start the recovery process today.

We are locked behind the invisible bars our own mind has created

One often fails to see how bad the state of the relationship really is, until the damages are already extensive. This happens because in the beginning the relationship with a narcissist is like living a dream. During this dream-like period, the emotional "hooks" are buried deep into your brain. See article Cheating and the Brain for more details about this process of becoming addicted to a narcissist in the beginning of the relationship.

This addiction is the reason why it is so difficult to let go of the relationship with a narcissistic husband or wife. We do not want to let go, because we believe we have something that we actually do not have. We think we have certain kind of a relationship with a certain kind of person, when in fact our relationship is completely different. We are still living in an illusion that our relationship is special, we believe that under all the dirt we must put up with there is that wonderful person, wonderful life and wonderful relationship.

But reality is that we never had that kind of a relationship. It never existed. The "wonderful" person we fell in love with was just a mask, hiding the true narcissistic personality. The real person is what we now see, and it is not a pretty sight. A narcissist is a hollow, empty and sad figure. When we learn to see Narcissist this way, we are able to free ourselves. When we see Narcissist as he or she really is, we realize that we do not need Narcissist to make us feel "whole". The reality is that we were whole before Narcissist stepped into our life, and we will be whole again after we get Narcissist out of our world. It is Narcissist who is preventing us from being happy. This is the most important thing you must realize. Nothing stands between you and Happiness, Harmony and most of all Freedom, except your narcissistic spouse.

Are you still fooling yourself and believing that you might find happiness with your narcissistic spouse? Do not worry. These things take time to sink in. Eventually you will realize that the path with a narcissist is a dead end. Do not blame yourself if it takes a bit of time for you to break free. You are only human, and these things are not easy. This is the reason I created this website, to help you on your long and difficult path to freedom and away from the dark realms of a narcissist. In the end there will be light, I promise you that!

It is tragic that so many people believe they will be happy if they stay in a burning house (that is, in a relationship with a narcissist) and that they will be sad if they run to a beautiful beach (leave a narcissist). This seems to go completely against all logic. This is an example of the mental traps and prisons we have created in our mind. We are literally the prisoners of our own mind. We will stay behind the invisible bars as long as we fail to see things for what they really are.

Plato and the Cave

From Allegory of the Cave:

"Plato imagines a group of people who have lived chained in a cave all of their lives, facing a blank wall. The people watch shadows projected on the wall by things passing in front of the cave entrance, and begin to ascribe forms to these shadows. According to Plato, the shadows are as close as the prisoners get to seeing reality. He then explains how the philosopher is like a prisoner who is freed from the cave and comes to understand that the shadows on the wall are not constitutive of reality at all, as he can perceive the true form of reality rather than the mere shadows seen by the prisoners."

The victims of narcissists are like people in Plato's cave: We do not believe it when somebody tells us there is light and sunshine and beautiful fields outside the cave, if we only take one step towards the right direction. We insist on staying in the darkness of the cave, because that world, regardless of its horrors, has become familiar to us. That is the world we know and even though we are not completely happy living in it, we are afraid to leave. We are afraid that we may not find anything better, that we might be left completely alone. But anything is better than to sit in a dark, cold, wet cave (grave) and just wait for the death. Outside the cave we at list have a chance of survival, we even have a chance to achieve Happiness. Whatever will happen outside the cave, it will be better than to live and die in darkness.

Having said that, let me say that I do understand how difficult it is to leave a narcissistic husband or wife. The mental hooks are buried so deep. I know this very well, because I have been in that situation with my narcissistic spouse. I know how it feels like when your brain is screaming at you "run, get out of here as fast as you can!", but your heart makes you stay. If you are now in that situation, keep reading articles on this website and slowly you will start to realize what is best for YOU. The point will come when you will be strong enough to break free and leave your narcissistic spouse. The purpose of this website is to help you in that process.

Search your feelings and you will realize that your sadness, depression and anxiety are due to the fact that you believe your life will be somehow "empty" and "gray" without your narcissistic wife or husband. You have built yourself an identity as a spouse of your narcissistic partner and now you should rearrange your view of yourself and your life. This process is very painful. But trust me, you will get through it.

There will be light on the other side

It was extremely difficult for me to end the relationship with my narcissistic spouse. I wrote about some of my emotions related to the thought of the separation and the actual separation in article Ending the Relationship with a Narcissist. Read that article to see if you have been experiencing similar feelings in your relationship with a narcissistic husband or wife. If you have, I am sorry to say this, but I must: You should let go of your relationship. It is not going to get better, it will only get worse.

A narcissist can seldom change. You will always carry the negative memories with you and as time goes by, new bad things will most likely happen. All these things will keep piling up until your mind will eventually break. It can happen within months, years or tens of years, but eventually you are no longer able to accept the sick, twisted lifestyle of your narcissistic spouse. For your sake, I wish this process will not take tens of years. To find out how you can teach your mind to let go of a toxic relationship, visit page Recovery after Cheating and Narcissism. If you have been feeling depressed or anxious due to the problems in your relationship, read this article to learn what you can do to help your brain and mind to recover: Training the Brain.

If you wish to read more about narcissism and how the mind of a narcissist works, go to section Narcissism. To read personal stories of life with a narcissistic spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Narcissistic Spouse. To read about cheating and how the mind of a cheater works, go to section Cheating and Infidelity. To read personal stories of life with cheating spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Cheating and Infidelity.

You can write to me and tell about your experiences by going to page Personal Stories: Narcissistic Spouse, Information. If you wish to read more about me and my background, please go to page Site Overview. From Site Overview you can read short description of contents of this site and you find out how to contact me. If you are in relationship with a narcissistic mental abuser, I believe you will find useful information from this site that will help you to heal. Go to other sections of this site by clicking Main Menu links (left bar).

- Maria

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

 

Comments (173)
  • chan  - well, I did it...Now I'm wavering
    I met my husband through an affair we had together. I left my entire family for him lost my 4 children,parents, friends, and somehow, he made me believe he was the most important thing in my life. I am foolish, stupid and wrong. He was cold and cruel from day 1 but maybe my need for the tiny bit of affection was catered for through him.. 9 Years later i have made the break, i have had a severe breakdown and thought if i didnt leave, then i would die. I dreamt of dying.I have no self esteem and am with a girl friend in a different town. This is day number 3. After constant texts on day 2 begging me to go back, he was sorry, what has he done, he never meant anything in the way i have taken it. I asked him to stop texting me and he has. But now i feel guilt, as every action my Narc husband has taken, maybe i have misconstrued. My friend said it is more head games. He isn't sorry, or he may well be, but only so that he can have his Narc supply back.As i lost my children, i placed him in my mummy shaped hole so was a dream come true for him. I feel so ill, do i go back and believe him, or will i feel better soon and be able to go it alone?
  • Carolyn  - It gets worse
    Sandra--

    Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. It seems as though I'm starting to wake up from a long nightmare. I never believed in a million years this would be happening to me. I've known my ex-husband since gradeschool. He was a "nice guy", and when we met again in our early forties, I felt like I was home again. He was lots of fun, smart, accomplished, educated, elegant. I had been divorced for several years from an abusive, controlling man, and my kids were in college. Perfect time to meet someone. He really swept me off my feet.

    His kids were different than mine, but I never guessed how damaged they were. It started to come to light just before our wedding. His exwife was a nightmare. The children were removed from her home for neglect. She lost custody and all parental rights. So really, I was it.

    In the beginning, I tried to step aside so the kids could reestablish their relationship with their Dad. I worked every weekend and holiday, and tried to give him a chance to handle his own kids. As time went on, problems ensued. We had the carpet set on fire, kitchen cabinets gouged with a knife, marijuana ( they were 9 and 12), stealing, you name it. My husband started to shut down and nothing was happening to stop all of this. So,( and here is my first mistake) I stepped in and took over . It never got better. The substance abuse escalated with both kids, and it cost us several hundred thousand dollars over time to deal with their issues.

    By the time my stepson was 18, he had been in and out of Juvenile court-based rehab, and was arrested 2 months after being released from a camp for juvenile substance abusers. He was in and out of jail and halfway houses over the next two years. And dead at 20. He had not seen his mother since age 9. My husband did not actively involve himself with any of the nuts and bolts if our "life". He only criticized how I handled things.

    When my stepson was 18, he told me that he had been sexually abused by several men over a six month period of tome while at his mother's house (age8-9). No psychologist had ever picked up on this over the years. I'm sure his sister experienced the same, but we'll never know. She left at seventeen to go back to her mother( I use that term loosely).

    All in all, my husband was AWOL during the raising of these profoundly sick children, and blamed me for the outcome.

    He can still be a real nice guy for the rest of the world to see. I never saw the temper or controlling nature until long after we were married.

    I miss my stepson despite the Perfect Storm secrete caught in. He never had a chance.

    Now I have to find a way to reclaim my life, and learn to love it as well. I was an artist. I'm not sure if I can ever be open enough to paint again.

    Thank you for listening. Most people don't get it. I thank you for your kindness.
  • Sandra  - oh my...you're right...it's worse
    Oh Carolyn: This is terrible. I am hardly being kind. My heartache is just responding to yours. And my story pales in comparison to yours.

    I am so sorry for all you've been through, and I am awed by your kindness and dedication to another's children. I don't know how you got through it, but you did. You had all that strength and commitment, and even though you may feel there is none left, but there is someplace inside you. You just need to rest and take care of yourself, and it will return. You can reclaim your life, love it, and paint again. Step by step. Right? Me, too. I send you a heart full of love...xo
  • Sandra  - Oh my goodness
    Truly you are a fine person to help so much in the raising of your ex-husband's children. I am sorry about your stepson's death. I can't believe all you did. I know that I bent over backwards, but drew the line at getting over-involved with my exe's kids. I was nice and all, but they had a functional mother--let her deal with them. And she did. No complaints there. But you've really given in a way that I have not. I think you should love yourself and be kind to yourself for this obvious goodness you possess that has gone unappreciated by your ex-husband. Casting one's pearls before swine sort of sums it up, I believe. All the love you've poured into this situation and these children, all of that energy--give it to yourself now. Ok? I feel like you do. I'm afraid that I'll never see my ex-boyfriend again, and I cringe at letting him back in in any way. That's a sign to keep on moving--away from THEM! All my love to you...
  • Carolyn  - So I married a narcissist, not a prince
    I've only recently started to scratch the surface of what is wrong in my life. My 20 year old stepson passed away 18 months ago from a heroin overdose. I had been married to his father for 12 years, having been given custody of the two children eleven days after our wedding.

    And now, I have been divorced for just over six months. Six months after the funeral, my husband seemed silent and detached. I chalked it up to grief and guilt, but in actuality he had been having an affair for some time..he pushed the divorce through quickly and mercilessly, ignoring my crying and begging him to reconsider, get counselling, not make a bad choice inthe midst of grief. I learned about the affair some time later. In the meantime, he blamed the divorce on everything from not liking my garden to blaming me for his Don's death.

    I took care of these two deeply damaged children for 13 years. Besides every day Mom-duty, I was constantly in doctor's offices, psychologists' offices, principals' offices, police stations , probation offices, and jail visitation. My husband was relatively uninvolved.

    I thought that despite the hell we were dealing with that He was a good guy, and I was lucky to have him. I closed my eyes to his controlling nature, his explosive temper, and coldness. Now that I'm away from him, I remember feeling like I was walking on eggshells all the time, worrying about displeasing him, overstepping as a stepmother, or just doing something to set him off.

    When his son died, he pulled away from me and gradually acted like his being near me was living hell.

    After the divorce, i told him I'd had enough, and that he wasn't going to see me again. He has done an about-face , and has been pursuing me relentlessly, telling me he misses me, I'm the love of his life, etc. I've come to realize what a codependent I have been , and what an absolute narcissist he is. I'm reading everything I can about this, and have found a good therapist. I'm loadedup with anti-anxiety and anti-depressants meds. I'm a physical and emotional wreck. I'm trying to find my backbone and get on with life. Often I wonder if making a mistake to cut him out of my life, but then I remember the feeling of fear and panic I always felt when near him.

    I'm starting a new journey in my life. And it's scary.
  • LL  - My Story
    I am so grateful to hear other stories like mine, down to even statements I would also make to myself. I found out about my husband's affair 2 days before Christmas. I am very successful, have started two businesses, travelled the world...and could not believe I would allow myself to become a victim of emotional and verbal abuse. When I stood up for myself, he started mocking me and filming me, then when I became angry and punched the flat screen which was his daily addiction and communication with his affair, he then called the Police and I was told I would not be cited if I agreed to leave...on Christmas Eve, in front of my elderly Mother and sister.

    Well, my story...I guess reading so many wonderful thoughts, prayers, emotions, made me want to write again...I used to write and was soooo creative. But, I became aggressive and investigated, got great info, reached out to some amazing friends, and I am now waiting for the Temporary Order to force him to move out.

    I was shocked that he really believed no consequences would happen. He damaged our finances and my businesses significantly. He also had the affair with my son's best friend's Mom in a small, high level, sports community.

    Well, I fired him, I told the Board and both of them were revealed and since they involved the children and the sport community of my son, they were unveiled and the wives of the Coaches, WOW, did they pull out the "HELLLLLLL NO!" And I felt so supported!!!! After all of these years!!!

    He will now lose his home, his job, he will struggle to find another quality job since I have been carrying and enabling him for so long, he lost all respect in our small community, my son knows about his situation....

    I have enabled, I have insecurities, but I am successful and creative and strong. I will take a huge financial hit, and it will be the BEST BILL OF MY LIFE.

    He is a predator and feeds on the very sacred things I hold so very dear, innocence, honestly, care for others, all of those he manipulated.

    Right now he sits in his small office, since he refuses to leave the home, 20 feet from me. It took two weeks of my breaking down into a total pathetic victim, almost begging him to find it in him to try to save our marriage...now I just THANK GOD his narrcissm continued to escalated, because I could have done this for another 8 years. He got so bad when I stood up for myself, threatened me, kept lying, like pathologically, and I took action.

    I will never speak to him again if he cannot stop lying. I will educate my children and all young girls that I can, WOMEN NEED TO TEACH OUR DAUGHTERS about abusers. I am educated and successful and the emotional abuse is so seductive. I know I am going to thrive with him gone. I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR ALL OF THE STORIES HERE...I just...have to cry.

    I look at the man I used to love, it was never love, now that his grip is out of my head, I find him completely and utterly disgusting. He is vile and no matter how depressed or hurt I would ever be, I would never lie like that or have an affair, but especially, the most unforgivable part, was that it was with my son's best friend's Mom and they all spent like 4 x per week together while I worked....I would assault her if I could, and I know I read a comment about not being vengeful, but she knows I have no respect for her and I will not protect her reputation, she should be scared, these people keep going because no one wants to really stand up to them.

    My anger is rapidly fading and as soon as he is out of the home I know my love and passion for life will grow back so fast. It already has. I have painted the house, cleaned out so much old stuff and I have started packing his stuff!!

    I am happier than I have been in years. But I do think Women need to reclaim their strength. We can be feminine and kind and sooooo loving, but we can also be strong and FIERCE if our children and justice around us...are attacked.

    He needs to ask himself if he is willing to work to earn back his integrity. I know I would ...I would work everyday to repair the damage I caused to sooooo many people in our situations, I would work for years to do it, to have my self respect and to show that my apology ran through my very veins and heart.

    I know he will never do anything to repair the pain he has caused. These people, at least in my husband's case, are predators and need to be sealed off from any contact.

    I am SOOOOO PROUD of all of these individuals who have written their stories. I am so grateful to you all and my arms are wide open with love, hope and prayers for your rebirth. TAKE BACK YOUR BEAUTY, HEART and SOUL, today is our day to be reborn and all of that which we gave whole heartedly to our marriages, is what we will take!!!

    GOD BLESS, L
  • Sandra  - very difficult story...
    Your story and pain touched my heart. I wish for your healing and for the start of a bright new path for you. What a louse, your ex. The police. What a perfect louse. You are better off one-hundred fold without him.
  • LL  - To Sandra
    :) THANK YOU SO MUCH for replying....just to feel validated!

    Tonight I spoke with my son. I have been open and strong about our changes and events. It's interesting how initially I felt such a pull to lie for him and a shame to let him have to be uncovered. Well, I have noticed him doing the manipulation to my son. So I talked to him, gradually over three discussions. But tonight, he said to me....I remember Mom, telling you, something is wrong with Dad, I don't feel comfortable around him...he may have even said I am afraid of him....ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh..
    I put my face into my hands and just shock came through my tears and shame on myself, such shame and anger, so for about 3 seconds I paused in this second, third...80th awakening I have had these past two weeks....I pulled my head up and I said, you were right, I am so sorry, and I will never let that happen again. He got into my head, he told me things about my parenting that made me believe he was right and I was an awful parent. I told my boy tonight that I will keep him away until my ex is out of the home and I told him we will thrive, and that if he wants to have some form of relationship with him when he is older I will support that exploration, but now, it is my job to protect him and that I will not let him down. I am sooooo glad my boy told me that, because my ex has been putting him on this Disneyland pedastal and I thought, what it right, do I let him learn and the truth will over come,....but I didn't learn after years, and so I am so glad. I am going to put it in the Court Order that he cannot be alone with my son, only in group or family activities, which he really never did, interestingly.

    I am so grateful for my boy and I know I can help him learn about life and not have this be a negative. I also told him that I am going to raise him to be a good father and some of the things I am going to hold him to have to do with honesty, responsibility, ethics, service....and I know he got exactly what I meant. The love we had is growing so much stronger now from this shocking gift of transformation.

    Sandra, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am going to be better than ever......just a few more private cries and tantrums, and then my upstanding Mom role steps in and saddles up. I think my Son will always, always remember that. His Mom didn't take shit. I never had anyone do that for me when we were little. I am very shocked to even hear myself say this in my head....I am proud of myself.

    TO all of you my heart is so caring for your situations, you can find that will and self-love, know if it is not right, you need to leave. You can make it, get support, get answers, get your finances and all areas of basics prepped, put your game on for the sake of your integrity, your soul, your amazing potential to love and live with such passion, to give so fully to others.....and, do it for your children.

    I don't know where I will be...but I am so happy for some of the comments about never speaking to these people again, that one email or one phone call and they are back in their manipulation and throwing seeds of chaos. I will never speak with him again, even in situations of courtesy. I want him and my children to know, I will never associate with someone who can lie so constantly, use others, hurt others......if I treat him kindly what am I teaching them. I don't want either of them to ever, ever, ever feel like they have to be respectful and kind to someone who is attacking them. I will not be mean and as soon as he is out of the home I know I will rapidly go to compassion and sympathy, but I never want to let my guard down again. I have always seen the best in others, I would always trust him and some people are so destructive and women need to educate eachother and especially our children, I never in my wildest dreams would have thought I would have fallen prey to an abusive relationship.....

    I am so grateful to all of you, whoever, wherever you are.....we will make it! l
  • Sandra  - Thank YOU, LL
    Honey: I KNOW you are going to be and do better than ever. You have family, children, validation from those around you, from this very site. You also have good work and talents. What you don't need is what we all don't need anymore: someone who is incapable of love and empathy. THANK YOU for sharing your pain and healing from the heart as you have. Because of what we've gone through, when the people in our lives have pain, we'll remember how much it hurts. We'll be there for them more fully. We'll remember the kindness and support we've received. We'll be better people ourselves for us and others. As for these exe's, well...they are their own punishment. Love...Sandra
  • Moonwindfairy  - Hard to believe
    I agree about them not doing anything to fix things. I was always baffled by my husbands uncaring & insensitivity after I can home to find his lover in our home, I mean that alone screams resentment & disrespect, but I really started to see the change about 3wks after finding his Troll in our home, I remember I called him an asshole, which prior to this I only called him sweetie or his name, and that was exactly when he changed, he was so insulted that I called him names, freaked out if I told anyone about his affair, I was just being vengeful dont you know! My husband had filed divorce on me, because of the name calling & that I did not value him, but begged me to sign the papers 3 days before the divorce was final. I hadnt found this website yet but just knew something was not right with this guy, so I asked him to promise me things would be different, that he would go to counseling, be home more and work on making ME feel comfortable, he agreed, so I signed the papers & 2 days later he was back to the same crap, staying late at work, talking about female friends, putting our house up for sale just everything you would not do to help your injured spouse trust you again. Then I found this website, and everything made sense. Way back when I first called him an asshole, I remember one therapist saying, "he got made cause you called him an asshole ?" I said yes he was livid & would not forget or let go any of the behaviors that I was doing because of his affair, but I was supposed to let it go (the affair) & stop being so angry, right! But what made sense was how the Narc has to have his ego fed, he must be adored!!!! And I really did adore him & our life together & everyone who knew us knew that,so I guess in the relationship phase with narcs I was still considered OK by being the sweet loving wife, that still didnt keep him from having an affair, but when he was no longer my sweetie,when I did not adore him anymore he went right into devaluing me & looking elsewhere to feed his ego, by contacting old gfriends, & cultivating new females friendships & throwing it in my face, and the affair person was still in the pic the whole time too until she started talking about their relationship in public, to my husband, that is his private life & should not be public knowlwdge, oh but bringing your troll lover into our home isnt invading my privacy???? Please! thats the blowing their cover thing,so others get to see what we live with & see, and dont you know that is not pretty! so now that I know why he is the way he is, I have told him, that he is a narc and it has been pretty interesting, I dont bellieve for one second that he will change & I know that my happiness does not include trying to fix him, but it has given me leverage in dealing with him. I sent him this link & of course he said I am not that!!! But maybe, who knows deep down he might but I dont care about what he feels, it is what I feel & now I know that I am not crazy & if I want anything to change, it is up to me. So I have made the decision to divorce, but I refuse to let his selfishness disrupt my life any further,so I am taking my time and ignoring him and now when he goes on a tirade about how irresponsible, insecure & vindictive I am I just kind of smile & give him this look like (really Mr. Narc you want to start this with me?) & he backs down & is also more pleasant to be around, although I know it is only to make him look good,so I dont tell anybody about him and to see if I will fall for his niceness routine ha ha at least I dont have to hear him complain & criticize me while I make plans for my future without him.But really all we can do is change ourselves & see them for what they really are & know that it was not you but them who has the problem.They definitely have an illness, and unfortunately it doesnt affect them, it affects the ones around them. So great advise, love & take care of yourself, because they certainly will not care for anyone but themselves!
  • Sandra  - To Moonwindfairy
    You've been through quite a lot. It's a terrible story, a terrible blow. Be good to yourself. Get away when you can.

    These awful people we've been with. How can you do these things to someone you love? How can you do them to someone you don't love, but just want to treat decently? Forget the love. What about just decency?

    All of us who are been through these dreadful situations are bound together in pain and healing. Your stories have been sources of support and inspiration for me. All of you are in my heart. You, too, Moonwindfairy! xo
  • Pam
    I completely agree that a person should leave a relationship with a NARC as soon as humanly possible. It does NOT get better and you are NOT a better person for trying to "stick it out" or "unconditionally" love a NARC. They are black holes and will swallow you eventually.

    The main lie that was told to me was that "We" had something special - a higher order of love - that deserved a special commitment and that would have a great "payoff" for me in the future. I wanted to believe his words and that gave him even more power. I fell victim to him charming, charismatic ways more times than I can count... and I am a strong, smart woman!! This invariably led to self-loathing that I cannot begin to describe. They train us to doubt ourselves... they tell us who we are and what we want.... Don't STAND for it!!

    If I can encourage even one person to take back their life from a NARC, to believe the small voice within you.... DO IT TODAY. It is hard. HARD. But you are worth it. Dare to imagine peace in your life again. Security. Pride. Hope. It's yours for the taking, but you must TAKE IT.

  • Sandra  - After 13 years...
    I have been with a man as a girlfriend for 13 years. I started to discover that he visited dating websites back in 2000. Back then, he also occasionally corresponded with women with whom he had had or alomst had relationships. I discovered the letters.

    I don't know why I became suspicious of T. I just started looking through things, and there was alwas something "off," thus reinforcing the need to search for evidence.

    Since August, there have been three incidents of outreach to sites or servicss, including: Connections Dating Service in DC, Match.com, and SeniorPeopleMeet. I cried and cried and confronted him and went to his place, which I did because, when confronted, he ices me out completely. He physically threw me and my things out, but said we could talk about things later--when HE said so. Unfortunately, later I also discovered that he was on Ashley Madison. Clearly, this behavior is escalating and the site are becoming more numerous, particularly since he moved to the DC area for work. I set up MY work schedule to align with his and drove down every weekend to be with him since his job is more challenging than mine. And THIS is what I get?

    I actually do not believe that T has slept with anyone. I think he likes to look, but I cannot abide this behavior any longer, and who knows? Maybe he is cheating. He certainly is setting himself up to do so. So, I ended it on the phone on Jan 1, 2012.

    I imagine the coming weeks and months will be difficult indeed, but less so because he feels like a stranger now. I turned my life inside out for him. Particularly painful has been the compartmentalizing of my friendships. I can't have T around most people I know, as he becomes hostile and embarrassing. I should have kicked him out ages ago, but he wasn't this bad until now. He has a PhD, so I admired him as well, but not enough to put up with all of this.

    In a fit of malice, I have notified the few friends and contacts T has, some of them family, about what he did to me. I am sure he'll manipulate them to believe otherwise, but most of THEM don't like him as well, especially his family.

    Well, this is how my New Year began. Not so great. But I'd rather be alone than with someone like this. I still love him and will pray for him to be whole--but not with me.
  • Anonymous
    Christine, I am so glad to hear you are starting your Journey towards Freedom! Do not think about 40 years, it is NEVER too late to break free from an abuser! And YES, God will guide us... Keep going Sister, do not give up!!!!
  • Christine  - Thanks
    Thank you so much - encouraging each other helps so much in getting over the pain!
  • Dawn  - No contact = no interest
    Each day away from him is painful. I don't know what hurts most. Being away from the man you love or knowing the man you loved was a fraud and didn't love you the way you felt towards him. 5 weeks away and I still struggle without hearing his voice, feeling his arms around me. I held on always thinking he would stop the verbal and emotional abuse. I couldn't understand how he could constantly accuse me of wanting to cheat on him. I gave that man my all. I spent all my time with him, it didn't matter. I spent days staring at him, analyzing his behaviors, sweet, loving, sensitive to monster as if someone flipped a switch. I spent months diarizing our issues, his comments, insults. Most of them were what I call back door comments. Comments to make me know he disagrees with what I did without coming out flatly saying what he meant. I didn't know who I was coming home to every day. I worked extra hard to please him, just to avoid an argument. I could never do right. His dark side was overwhelming to deal with but he had this side of him that was amazing, my dream come true, to realize it was a game in their head hurts. He was so easy to bring down the walls around my heart and have faith in us again and then whack, dark dude comes out with no rhyme or reason. How can I have felt what I did for him, how can he hold me and love me so much that I thought it was real? I don't understand. My friend told me no contact equals no interest. She was right. When I ignored him he played many nasty games but eventually he stopped and I don't get anything, no sweet apologies, no dark personality...nothing. I don't know what hurts more in all honesty. Knowing I have to keep moving forward when I'm so in love with him is hard. But all this research and knowing about narcissism has really clarified for me that returning to him would be a painful death sentence. He can't change, therapy or not. It will always be there. Affairs, lying...the idea of that happening is enough for me to move on. I deserve to be loved faithfully and unconditionally. Time to take care of me and my kids. He needs to take care of himself now. I only hope that I don't fall into a trap of another narcissist down the road. I'm terrified to trust any man at this point and really hope he hasn't scarred me enough so that I don't become nasty and bitter towards men in the future. I can't hold back out of fear of getting hurt. One day at a time for now, but my eyes are opening to all of it!!!
  • Jess  - Thank you!
    Thank you all for sharing your stories. I thought it was me! It seemed like I couldn't win no matter how hard I tried! I'm exhausted from the constant walking on eggshells and defending myself from accusations fabricated from a wicked imagination! I'm so looking forward to a normal life now that I know I can escape this freak show marriage. I pray for forgiveness from God for giving up-that's the hardest part. Facing God! He used my faith to keep me ensnared!
    Thank you and God bless all victims of these monsters!
  • Christopher  - For Dawn above and Jess below.
    Hiiiiiiiiiiiii, there, and please take a look at my two postings below. It may help you both in some small way. Be cool and smile cos tis soon to become 2012 and a new year.

    Always from Chris
  • Pam  - Love Yourself!
    I was compelled to reply to your post because I hear your deep hurts and can really identify. I was in a verbally abusive marriage with a narcissist of the highest order. It was a living hell that has gone on long after our divorce. It's been close to two years and I feel like I am just now beginning to see clearly and to come alive again.

    My advice as you begin to move forward is to be thankful that you escaped a monster. Take pride in your own strength and resolve and intellect - all of which allowed you to make better choices for your life. You absolutely cannot change the past - think of it like a bad car accident... and you survived - you may need time to heal, to regain strength, to cope with scars and injuries - BUT YOU ARE A SURVIVOR - and of all the things he took from you, he can't take that away. Don't give him one more thing - not doubt, not fear. Certainly don't let him take love and peace from your life. Claim it. You've earned it.

    Peace.
  • christine
    These articles are so eye-opening!!! FORTY YEARS I have been in relationships and marriages with narcissists, and I'm just now beginning to learn! I've prayed so hard, and started trying to beleive God loves me, and He is starting to lead me things like this. A great weight is being lifted off me-I've blamed myself all these years and never let myself be treated right, always thought I deserved to be treated badly. No more. I'm going to beging being good to myself and extinguish the need for a narcissist to control my self worth. Don't give up you other sufferers! God loves you and wants you to care for yourself-don't give up!!!
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