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Hi Maria,
I stumbled across your page... Have been trying to grasp what happened to me. My relationship was a lot shorter, but none the less one of the most difficult things I had to deal with. I went for counseling and from what I described, she said it sounded like he has Cluster B personality disorder.
Here's my story. We were together only few months. Things moved really fast. It seemed too good to be true. He seemed very attentive, caring, charming. The first two months of our relationship were absolutely perfect. We had talked about future marriage, children's names, living arrangements, meeting the parents, etc... All within the first 6 weeks.
By the third month he got a new job and got busy at work. He still seemed attentive, but I do admit something seemed off. It was around the time of our first fight. It was more a discussion about religion. I conveyed my view, which was an emotional view. He conveyed his view, which was a factual view. It was the first time he ever raised his voice at me. It was on the phone. He also hung up abruptly saying sorry for wasting my time.
Yes, he was controlling. He wanted me to call/text him every morning when I got up, on the train to work, and when i actually reached work. The next morning, still upset about the night before, I obviously didn't call/text. He called and apologized. I was still hurt. We typically had lunch together. And it was my turn to bring something. Which I had packed, so I reluctantly accepted that lunch was still on. But I was crying and he could tell i wasn't happy. I'm a very emotional person. I cried all the way to work. Then texted him to cancel lunch. He called. Said he can't concentrate on work if he knows he won't see me... So since he was so sweet and convincing, I agreed.
I was still upset. I didn't bring the lunch. I wasn't hungry and I just wanted to talk. Which we did. And i left feeling much better. But I kept my distance the rest of the day. No calls/texts. Only one when I got home. I had a family thing the next day. So i took the day off. On Friday, he expressed his unhappiness with me. How I hadn't brought the lunch, how he humbly apologized, how he didn't have time to eat anything until 8 pm at night. How i didn't even call to make sure he got home ok. What if he died on the way.
I honestly thought he was being very dramatic. I assured him yes I cared about him. But I was still shaken by our first fight and needed space. He said something like he apologized for that, to which I replied, well I also apologize for not bringing lunch. He said, "never do that again. Does your mom not feed your dad when they fight?". I said of course not.
So things got better. Then talks proceeded to meet the parents. I'm traditional. I was 3 years older. I didn't want things to get too serious without meeting the family. The third month is a good time to meet the family, so I thought. We were physical. So I wanted things to be done right. He said in the very beginning that he had sisters and wanted to do things right by me.
 So about 3 months into our relationship, he raised the issue with his mom. This was their third conversation about us. He claims to have really tried to convince her. But because of my age, she just would not budge. I am in my thirties. He is three years younger. He claimed the age was her biggest issue. But be won't let that be an issue.
There were other factors, mom thought he was too young. Didn't think he was ready. Wanted sister married first. His sister was one year younger than him. We're all educated. The age shouldn't be such a barrier. But since this argument with his mom I never became 100% myself in the relationship.
After digesting this conversation, I again needed space and did not call/text much the rest of the day. I Ignored his calls. I needed space. I told him this him via text. The next day, I felt better and wanted to talk. Then he gave me attitude. So at lunch, i went to go see him. He seemed angry. He kept saying i don't care about him. He became frustrated that I'm not looking at it in a way that makes it look positive. That he's fighting and talking to his mom, etc. I said, I agree, and that's why I'm here. I get that now. I needed time to reflect. (Click the link below to read the rest of this story).
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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
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Dear Friend,
Thank you for your letter. I am sorry to hear about your pain. I know how you are feeling. You said you have read other stories on this website and have seen how hard it is to end the relationship after being together for tens of years. In that sense you are really lucky, because your mental wounds will heal much faster. It still takes time for you to heal, but your situation is nevertheless much easier than if you were together for several years. To read more about mental wounds and how they can be healed, please visit page Ways to Overcome Emotional Pain - Mental Tools. I also recommend you to visit this page to learn what you can do to help your brain and mind heal faster: Training the Brain.
Having said that, I know you are still suffering a lot. You clearly bonded strongly with your boyfriend in emotional level and wished to share your future with him. It hurts when that person then turns out to be something else than you imagined.
It is not possible to know from distance if this man really is a narcissist or not, but it is clear he has many traits that are often found in narcissists. You said your boyfriend started to talk about family, children's names etc only after being together for few weeks. That is extremely fast. This is typical for narcissists, they enter idealization phase very fast, as fast as they enter devaluation and discarding phases. To read more about the traits of a narcissist and different phases of a relationship with a narcissist, please read this article: Narcissistic Personality Disorder - How to Recognize a Narcissist.
 In the end it does not really matter if your boyfriend is a narcissist or not. The fact is your boyfriend has been treating you badly and you did not feel happy in this relationship. Those are the most important things.
Your boyfriend's rage after you disagreed with him regarding religion is not normal behavior in a relationship. In a warm, loving and respecting relationship we should be able to discuss in a civilized manner about things that we may not necessarily agree on with our girlfriend / boyfriend. If we do not agree on something, we should nevertheless respect the opinion of the other person and not to make the other person feel guilty due to his or her personal opinions.
It sounds like your boyfriend got angry when he realized you had your own views and you were not automatically accepting his views. It can be that your boyfriend is the kind of a person who has a very short temper and due to this he tends to get angry fast. This does not necessarily mean your boyfriend is a narcissist. But even if he is not, it is very difficult to live with a person who does not allow you to have your own views and does not respect them.
It also sounds like your boyfriend's mother is very controlling and is trying to influence his decisions. This is something that most likely would have caused many problems had you stayed together with your boyfriend. Dear Friend, I know you would feel better if you could think the reason for the problems was that your boyfriend was a narcissistic. That would make it easier for you to let go of the relationship and to move on, since you could think there really was nothing you could have done.
However, you do not need to have such a clear label regarding what was wrong with your boyfriend. It is clear that this man was insecure and was not able to stay behind his decisions but instead was strongly influenced by his mother, and additionally seemed to have a very short temper and no understanding for different views of people. Additionally, it was very cruel to say to you he actually never fully got over his ex girlfriend. It this is true it means your boyfriend was not completely honest with you from the beginning. On the other hand, if he was being honest and did not actually miss his ex girlfriend in the beginning of your relationship, that means your boyfriend was lying to you when he said that, only to make you feel worse. Both options are pretty bad from your point of view.
This man is clearly not ready to be in a mutually respecting and loving relationship. It seems he needs external acceptance (acceptance of his mother, you, his ex girlfriend etc) to feel himself worthy. You said he complained to you that you did not care for him if you kept quiet for couple days after he insulted you. This is a typical sign of a low self esteem.
 Dear Friend, I know you are missing your boyfriend. But when you read through your own letter, you see clearly that this man has not been treating you well. It is a bad sign if such problems start to surface already in the very beginning of the relationship.
Usually the beginning of the relationship (first couple years) should be a happy time, that is the time when the strong foundation is being built for mutual trust and for the future together. It is very unlikely that things would have changed for better, had you stayed with your boyfriend. Most likely things would have only gotten worse.
I know you are feeling sad and wishing things would have worked out. Sometimes it happens in life that we fall in love with someone who simply is not the right kind of person for us and then we have no choice but either to stay in an unsatisfying relationship or to move on. Your boyfriend seems to want to have a girlfriend who does not speak her mind, who admires him and worships him and who is fully dedicated to him and to the relationship 24/7. It is very hard to live together with a person as demanding as that. (Click the link below to read the rest of this reply).
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To read more about how to get over cheating and narcissism in a relationship, visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism.
Warm hug,
Maria
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
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Narcissism 
and her name is Maria as well!
So I found my husbands lover in m...
My story runs much the same way...I'd also venture a guess that the mothers commit emotional incest. My spouse had a therapist who had continued an original diagnosis of bipolar syndrome. She urged him not to talk to me when we were about to argue and although that is an option, it's a poor handling of marriage. His card whenever an upset occurred was the silent treatment or "desire for divorce."
I saw a therapist who wanted to pigeon hole me as being codependent. Yes, true,however, this relationship was one really out of the Twilight Zone. I am just getting better after the marriage, 1 1/2 years together - married me for my funds and to be a hired hand and caregiver to his invalid mother and aid to his other dysfunctional family members. I had met these people prior to the "I do's" and it was STILL a total surprise.
This experience may be more wide-spread than any of us have imagined.
Thank you for this site!