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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. If you wish to read more about me, please visit page Site Overview.

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Today I have been thinking about the recovery process after ending a relationship with a narcissist. The hardest part is to get over the first weeks and months after the separation. Many people are not strong enough to maintain No Contact and get lured back to the dark realms of a narcissist before they have been able to recover and heal sufficiently. If you are one of these people, please do not be too hard on yourself. It is extremely difficult to break free from a narcissist and mental recovery takes a long time. It usually takes several failed attempts, until one day you simply have enough of all the lies and abuse and you leave without looking back. Even then you might find yourself missing "your" narcissist every now and then, especially if he or she is trying actively to get back together with you. To read more about how to recover after ending a relationship with a narcissist, please see section Narcissism.

What helps during those moments of weakness is to remember the bad moments with a narcissist. One of the tactics I used to get over my narcissistic spouse was to remind myself of something bad he had done whenever I felt I was missing him. When I remembered how my narcissistic spouse had mistreated me, lied to me and cheated on me, my mind was filled with such anger and disgust that all the "nostalgic" thoughts of getting back together with him disappeared instantly. This kind of approach significantly aided my recovery and healing after ending the relationship.

In the beginning I was not strong enough to maintain No Contact and I found myself asking my narcissistic spouse to get back together with me. That is always a big mistake. A narcissist is feeding on the misery of people around him. When he sees you are "desperately" in love with him, that is the ultimate source of a narcissistic supply. A narcissist is feeling happy to see you suffer due to your love for him or her and is enjoying when he or she can discard you and reject you. That makes a narcissist feel he or she is in total control of the situation (a narcissist is actually right about this, he or she IS in total control and can play around with you as he or she likes, either discard you or mercifully allow you to be with him or her again).

Your pain does not evoke any sympathy in a narcissist. If you show your weakness you are only making your situation worse and a narcissist gets more Supply when he or she can reject you in a cold, cruel way. Even if a narcissist does not reject you, the end result is that you are only getting back to the point where you started and your misery will continue a bit longer, until finally you find the strength in you to cut a narcissist loose. The longer you wait, the harder it is to heal and recover.

After performing a long-term close observation of my narcissistic spouse, I noticed that he was behaving in a very predictable way. He was in a way like a "robot", reacting to certain things always in the same way. Interestingly most of the features in his behavior were classical examples of the behavior of a narcissist. When I finished the relationship with him after finding out about cheating and lying he totally discarded me, disappeared and was silent for about a month or two. There was only a casual email time to time regarding some practical matters (I responded with one sentence, if even that). Of course he never admitted to cheating and lying, even thought I had the proof. Regardless of his rejection (or perhaps because of that), I slowly started to recover.

Then after couple months his behavior started to change. He started to send emotional emails and he told me he still loved me and wanted to get back together with me (even though he still could not admit the cheating and lying). My silence and ignorance made me appear like a challenge to him. He HAD to get me back in order to prove himself he was still irresistible. When he was together with me, he had access to a constant narcissistic supply in form of me telling him all the time how much I loved him. When I was gone from his life, he had no one to tell him those things, and he started to get withdrawal symptoms.

I know he was trying to get together with one woman after our separation (in fact I left him because I found out he was trying to approach this woman in a romantic way behind my back, in other words attempting to have an affair with her). I heard that he praised to her how much he loved her etc but she was not interested in him (I think she was smart enough and could see through his mask already at that early stage, unlike me when I first got together with him). When she kept rejecting him, he felt lost and lonely and turned to me again, trying to get back to his former source of supply. I rejected him, and soon after that he started a relationship with one of his former girlfriends, who was still interested in him enough to get romantically involved with him.

However, he did not find her to be satisfying enough for him, so he kept on calling me and emailing me, telling how much he loved me and missed me. He said that he does not love his former girlfriend as much as he loves me, that he hopes we could be together again etc. He was to say the least emotionally cheating on that poor woman when he was trying to get back together with me behind her back, in the same time sleeping with her and making her believe he wanted to have a future with her. Seeing how easily he was ready to cheat on her and to lie to her made me respect him even less. I knew I would never want to get back with a dishonorable, unreliable person like that. In the end I can say that his pathetic attempts to get back with me even though he was in the same time already involved with someone else helped me to detach from him mentally.

I will get back to you soon. Now I will send a big virtual hug to you all!

If you wish to read more about narcissism in a relationship and how to recover after ending an abusive relationship, please see section Narcissism.

- Maria

If you wish to familiarize yourself with my blog and to read older posts, click this link to go to the Blog Main Page.

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• |2012-02-01 14:42:23 Becik  - Oh dear mum
  It took me a 22 years to live my husband. My mother has been crying for years, same story, (if you want to read it look back at the end of 2011 under Becik. )
  The only thing I can tell you is to be there when she needs you, don’t push her way, don’t give ultimatums, she is very young, and beautiful, she will realised soon than she can be happy with out him. Just be there even if it brakes you mothers heart.
  
  Becik
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• |2012-02-01 14:26:28 Anonymous  - Oh my dear ambisceglia
  When I read your post, I know exactly how you feel.
  I can say exactly because my situation is so similar to yours, I feel for you.
  I have been married to my husband for 22 years. He has done horrible things to me, my self-esteem, my children, my family and friends. He has manipulated me for years, He always accused me of cheating, talking about him behind his back, lairing and so on. But I never did this things.(he did)I have no idea who was he, perfect one day and just disasters other.He was so angry punching the walls and abusing me. He has left and comeback on numerous occasions, same like yours telling me that he loves me and can’t live with out me. But when he said that to be with him I have to stop contacting my family, blaming them for our problems, I just got up, found a new home and left with my children. He got just crazy even more, saying to my children that I left because of my mother, then my sister and recently he said that I had boyfriends!!! As usual he blamed everyone else but his self.
  I never had a boyfriend and I never cheated on him, even when he left me and went to other state for few months. But when I have left him, I had his family members telling me that he has cheated on me most of our marriage.
  It has been few month since I have left, and it is hard, but I had no idea that he still watches me, reads my private emails, etc.
  When recently I joined one of the dating sides, just for curiosity, I have realised that he has hacked my laptop. He started sanding me hateful emails saying that now he has a proof that I always cheated on him, Get this there were my private emails and he would resend them to me with a nasty comments, and than he has admitted that he has hired somebody to do check me out. I went to police... and they were hopeless, saying that as long as he don’t threaten my life this is just innocent. Police for you....I have changed my passwords and he always could get in to my mail. So I open a new one and so far is good, he has no idea about it.
  I hate him so much, but at the same time I still love him too, I don’t really know why, he don’t deserve it.
  So dear keep your head up, I know is hard, but I hope it will get better.
  Becik
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• |2012-02-02 00:11:59 ambisceglia  - Hi Becik
  Hi again, I am keeping my head up so far and ,yes, it is hard but I am so determined to get this vermin out of my life! I loved my ex-husband very much. He was funny, handsome, and we had such a chemistry. But, although he was always self-centered, I lived with it for 23 years BECAUSE I loved him. I found out so many things thru the years that he did behind my back that it still shocks me if I think about them for too long, so I try not to focus on them. The worst and most horrible thing he did was to tell his parents that our youngest son wasnt his! (I have very strict morals and religous beliefs and would never cheat on my spouse) I walked around for 5 years, after our son was born, wondering why his parents treated me and our son like dirt! I found out that he had been caught cheating @ work and was asked to leave the police force. I was pregnant and very ill in the hospital while all this was going on. Apparently this girl was causing trouble for him at work and they didnt like it. (she actually called my house and told me she was pregnant by him and he told me it was a prank call!) He came home one day and said that he quit the police force, wanted to move and change our phone number. By then our son was 3 months old. I just said OK because I didnt know what was going on. We moved to another town and continued life. What I couldnt understand was why his mother made comments about our son not being my husbands child. I just brushed it off thinking she was joking. She always had such a great relationship with our older son-she took him everywhere, babysat him, etc. but she wouldnt even HOLD or PICK UP our younger son. AND our younger son is the spitting-image of my husbands dad! People who knew my husbands dad ALWAYS would make comments on how much my younger son looked like his grandpa but my husbands mom would always say "I dont see the resemblance" After the first time I caught my husband cheating in 2002, I finally figured out all of this. His parents are both now deceased and I still feel very haunted at times thinking they believed that I cheated on their son and my son missed out on a relationship with them. All because my husband had to blame me for his mistakes at work. He created this huge lie, threw me and our innocent son under the bus just to make himself look like a victim and to cover for his wrong-doings! This sounds like such a soap opera, but its true1 This guy was such a jerk to be married to. At least every two years he had brand new cars. He spent sooooo much money on himself and had all kinds of "hobbies and collections" that he spent a fortune on. Then he would tighten the pursestrings when the boys needed sneakers, clothes, sports equipment, etc! And I worked through our whole marriage and actually made more money than him, and he would spend the money on whatever HE wanted. I always wanted a diamond ring from him (i never got one for an engagement) and I used to joke about it with him. One time I was cleaning our closet and tipped forward his small safe to clean behind it. Apparently, he was hiding big sums of money in the safe and because the money had fallen forward in the safe when I tipped it, he thought I had discovered his secret stash! So he thought I caught him and he told me that the cash was for a diamond ring for me (of course it wasnt). So, at the time, I was soooo flattered cuz we had been married 11 years by then and I just thought he was so special for saving that money secretly for a diamond for me. I made the STUPID mistake of saying that we could buy something for the family with the money if he wanted to. THAT VERY NIGHT he went on-line and bought HIMSELF a $2000.00 watch!!! The last time I got a gift from him was my birthday in 2010. He gave me a beautifully wrapped ring box. Well, my heart was pounding! I couldnt believe that he got me a ring! Well, I opened it and it was a $25.00 Pandora bead for a Pandora bracelet. I was just crushed! And he enjoyed it! and by the way, Pandora beads do not come in ring boxes-
  they are wrapped in little tiny bags. He wrapped it in a ring box on purpose because he wanted me to think it was a diamond! Two days later I asked him why he never bought me a diamond after all our years together. He then told me that I wasnt worth it! I kicked him out the next night and I never let him back again! and these things are only the tip of the iceberg. July 9th 2010 is my day that I will always remember as the day my life finally started! And May 16th 2011 was the divorce day! Yahoo!
  
  
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• |2012-01-24 23:24:01 ambisceglia  - 23 years of hell with a textbook narcissist
  To all the women out there who have struggled with this issue: I was with a narcissist for 23 years-married for twenty. He did horrible,mind-boggling things-too many to name- I finally got up the nerve and sense to divorce him after tolerating his lies,cheating, and blaming for way too long. He is still using the courts, his job (he is a cop specializing in cyberspace crimes) and our two sons to continue to try to control me! I know of 5 women he has slept with during our marriage and he always denied it. He gave me a serious STD and still continued to deny it. Finally, after receiving a call from another cop that my husband was at the beach with his wife, I finally had had enough. I knew then that this man had no boundaries as to who he cheated with including a fellow officers wife! The girl he is with now is the girl he was with when he started the affair with the cops wife (and continued when I took him back, Of course I didnt know this at the time.) I mistakenly thought he wanted to come back to me because he loved me and just couldnt live without me. Its not true girls. They come back to you because they know you are vulnerable and they want the control over you. I found out that, thru his job, he was hacking into my computer and had access to my emails, bank accounts, eharmony site,etc. He was also recording my phonecalls! I have since changed all my acct numbers, email info,cellphone, etc. I had a friend who works in government security revamp my computer so he cant possibly get access anymore. I used to think people would think i was a wacko if i said he was doing things through my computer. But I finally got the proof. So girls as sad and rejected as you feel, you MUST take charge of your lives. Have little or no contact with these preditors! I also read the book "Disarming the Narcissist" and it was very helpful. Good luck to all of you who are victims of these type of people and stay strong!
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• |2012-01-24 22:07:11 Matt
  Ive read alil about the experiences folks been with, dealing with a Narcissist. My Wife has dat trait, im new to it all. I wuld always wonder why she wuld be mad & upset. She has blamed me for.her UNHAPPINESS, when ive done nothing but try to be there for her... She wants a Divorce(talkn seperation) she has two of my daughters... I love.her, but also, she has scarD me lik no other... Ive been research info about NARCISSIST,& im learning more&mote how to deal, cope... Apart of me still wants o SAVE HER AND GET HER HELP, but when I try to talk to her, when she speaks throwing lowblows, arrogantly being sarcastic... I do not want to be a victim an longer.. how can I LEAVE HER ALONE, when she has my kids? Thats hard, and not engage..wat can I do.? Wat should I do?
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• |2012-01-29 10:42:47 defeated
  its hard to do. not much u can do either. if u try an tell her she is narcassit she will reek havik on u. im dealing with the same problem u r. my kids mom is narcissitic an i cant tell her she does something wrong. if i do im told im a liar its my fault things happened the way they did not to contact her unless its about the kids. but then when i do. she ignors me. uses the kids as leverage against me. she told me to get my s*** an go about 4 weeks ago then told me i was the one that chose to leave. found out she had another dude over 2 weeks after i was gone. mine violates the court order for visitation. my only option now is to take her to court an fight it out there that way i dont get stressed out for trying to deal with her personaly. i gotta keep my sanity
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• |2012-01-23 20:20:09 Jenitza  - My husband
  I married my husband 4 yrs ago he was my prince charming after I had our daughter he started changing. At home he never had time for us but if we went out he would act like the best dad & caring husband. He started messaging a few girls on my space asking them out & that suposedly we weren't living together I confronted him & he made an ellaborate excuse plus called his mommy & sister to come by and help him so I wouldn't leave him. (he's spoiled & a mommas boy) after that his fam stopped talking to me cause I wasn't good enough for him just like the other woman he had before me. He was always right he envies what other people have and for him everyone wants what he or his fam haves he's really hardworking and he always succeds on any job he gets but he strives for attention and recognition all the time and he lies to make himself more important. A yr ago I left him cause I knew he was seeing someone else. After 2 months he said he misses us and wanted us back but i told him not until he showed me he had change. He starter changinf a few months ago he would b busy all the time and would come visit us once a week i would write on his Fb wall and somehow the post would dessapear and he would say he didnt know what happened other people started tagging him in places when supposedly he was at work i confrontes him and he said that people tags him by mistake that i have trust issues and that our marriege doesnt work bcause i dont let go of the past. I did my investigation and hes been dating this other girl like for devén months she oboes hes married but she bellacas all the líes he haves told her and he still defines being with her when he has even talen our there year old to his mistress house. Now he says i have a bf when im always home with my parents or at school. He bought me a necklace for mothers day which i stopped wearing and hes mad cause i took it off and says i never cared about him. And bordara i was not a good stepmom to his 2 oldest kids when he would never take care of them and i was the one
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• |2012-01-18 23:23:52 Leslie  - o.k. everyone
  Here's the scoop. It sounds like everyone on here is trying to "figure out" their spouse or N. Let me say this loud and clear...."You cannot and will NOT be able to figure them out". Say it out loud with me.....I have a sibling who has only gotten much worse, more cunning, more manipulative, more mean and nasty over the years. There's a book called Disarming the Narcissist by Wendy Behary that has changed my life. My sibling won't return my phone calls (manipulation big time), but when and if she does, I'll be ready with this book by my side. I'd love your thoughts on the book. Let them go! Really. YOU DESERVE BETTER! (but he won't come along if you're emotionally "tangled" with Mr. N.
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• |2012-01-14 23:36:19 kathy  - Narcissistic ex wife still seeking my husband
  I have been married for 7 years. My husband's exwife has done everything she can over the past 10 years to break us up. I thought after a year or two she would adjust - go away, whatever a normal person would do. Their relationship ended because she repeatedly cheated on him and finally left him for her latest and greatest. After that broke up - she came back with a vengence. She reguarly uses the kids to try to engage their father in crazy conversations or situations with her. After a few years he stopped all contact. Then she started to bring him to court regarding crazy "problems" that she made up. There was always a seed of truth but she would twist everything into something completely different. We learned to say nothing unless it was in writing and we cc: everyone involved. My husband's passivity and the advice of people who said "don't tell the kids anything" or "don't put them in the middle" cost my husband his children. They never knew that all that she told them were twisted lies. (She told them they were victims of a father that abandoned them - just like she was.) They are older now and some have started to see the truth. This year we learned that his 3rd son is not his. Even with that - she was the victim. She tells her kids that we shouldn't go to church because my husband won't forgive her. It is so insane. If I knew what I was up for - I never would have married him. And yes, there is such a thing as too nice. Too nice is what attracts narcissists!!
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• |2012-01-14 22:24:43 Anonymous
  My daughter is with a person Iike this and it has been so hard for me as a mother to watch her suffer , he has distroy her , she comes home with bruises and shel say I walked into a door , Hel ring her demand to know where she is all the time call her degrading names he has cheated on her so many times She will come home and say that's it but after a few days he rings her and somehow cons her and she goes back After he's dumped her and said there over I can't understand what hold he has on her he's so cruel and evil and shel come home and tell me what he's done to her , and how he spits on her punches her and throws bottles at her and slams her head into the wall , won't allow her to wear makeup or buy new clothes , and she loves fashion he dosnt work is involve in drugs , I just don't understand why time after time after abuse and more abuse why she keeps returning to him I pray and pray she will wake up I love her so much and it's killing all of us as a family we don't know what to do , I don't know what to tell het to get through to her , please has anyone any advice to make her see this is not a healthy relationship ,she Is 21 beautiful And this has been going on for a year now , is there any way to make her see Before this looser hurts her anymore any advice on how to handle this as a mother what to tell her I'm from Australia Adelaide
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• |2012-02-01 14:45:32 Becik
  It took me a 22 years to live my husband. My mother has been crying for years, same story, (if you want to read it look back at the end of 2011 under Becik. )
  The only thing I can tell you is to be there when she needs you, don’t push her way, don’t give ultimatums, she is very young, and beautiful, she will realised soon than she can be happy with out him. Just be there even if it brakes you mothers heart.
  
  Becik
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• |2012-01-01 19:48:33 Anonymous  - Just split again with my N for cheating again
  Can someone give me some advice. I been with my N for 9 1/2 years. He has repeatedly cheated, used me for money, lied to me and our son and repeatedly left. He disappeared 2 days before xmas breaking our sons heart. Kept calling and texting saying he wanted to return. I feel it was for his job. So finally after 10 days I have told him its over and to forget it. For the first day he rang and texted repeatedly and I totally ignored him - something I find hard. I know he is with someone else. I feel terrible but yet I still want to her from him? Normally I act like I want him this time I a m not coz I know its best. Is this the last I hear from him?
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• |2012-01-02 01:34:01 Anonymous  - when will you have enough?
  so when you get Aids or an STD are you ganna have enough? why would you want him back? he brike your wedding vows , that alone should mean something right?
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• |2012-01-13 15:01:40 kimberly  - read this book
  Read the book: The Betrayal Bond, Breaking free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D.
  I feel your pain. This will help you move on and be free.
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• |2012-01-14 23:41:16 kathy  - 12 steps all the way
  Check out COSA or SLAA 12 step meetings. They are for people involved with sex addicts. (Similar to Al-Anon) Very helpful.
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• |2011-12-23 00:37:16 Anonymous
  Everybody check out Kim and steve Cooper ! He was a narcissist and she the codependent ! They now survive and thrive . There is hope if your willing to go the whole nine yards but there must be a lot of unconditional love !
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• |2012-01-07 04:53:09 Nancy  - Can a narciscist date another narciscist and what
  I've always been super conscious about my weight,looks and clothes and being seen with certain types of people. But on the other hand I still have empathy and compassion. I would never emotionally distance myself from someone once we've gotten close. So;given my description of myself..do I sound narciscistic???...I try to be friendly with the women I work with but;they seem to judge me and say I look and dress young for my early 50's. But;every relationship I've had ends once I get close with a man they are the ones who emotionally distance themselves from me and they never call when they say they will. I don't bother calling them...I just break up with them because they can't keep their word. What does anyone think about this???...Could someone give me some adivce on this???.....-Nancy
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